How To Be A Big, Fat Shitty Landlord

Big fat landlord

1. Don’t use a written Tenancy Agreement, verbal contracts allow for greater ambiguity, meaning you’re less likely to be held accountable.

2. There’s no room for empathy, you don’t want to hear excuses. You’re running a business, not a charity shop.

3. Reserve your precious energy, don’t waste your time making quarterly inspections. All problems can be settled at the end of the tenancy with…
the security deposit
and a
baseball bat.

4. There should never be any immediate rush attending to repairs, these things take time, and you’re a very busy person. Don’t forget that.

You’re already giving your tenant a place to stay, if you give them too much they’ll eventually expect you to lick the gum off their shoes. As long as you, the landlord, have hot food and water, nothing else really matters.

5. How often do properties actually burn down or randomly topple over? Building insurance is pointless. Kind of like that guy from Wham. Not George Michael, the other one that did nothing. What’s his name?

6. When a tenant calls, it’s NEVER good news. Ignore the RING-RING, RING-RING.

7. If rent is 24 hours late, hand out both Section 8 and Section 21 eviction notices like candy.

A stern and decisive landlord will prosper.

8. Reference checks are little to no use. Straight in the bin they go.

9. Giving tenancy to someone with a greater physical presence than yourself is suicide.

I only recruit scrawny nerds or elderly women so I can lay the smack down if they cross the line. Don’t be afraid to throw your weight around. You’re THE LANDLORD- overshadow your tenant with your menacing authority.

10. Replacing the locks is like an abortion, the best form of pest control.

11. Why should we secure our money into a Tenancy Deposit Protection Scheme? Good question. That’s why we don’t.

13. At the end of a tenancy, pick up on every motherfucking glitch like a hawk so you can hold back some, if not all, of the deposit. If you look hard enough, you’ll find enough damages.

14. Don’t be scared to dish out Notice Of Rent Increase Forms, especially to long term tenants that are reliable and in their ultimate comfort zone. They’ll most likely pay the new shiny rate since they’re nicely settled.

15. Following on from point 14, capitalising on profit trumps all. No fucking excuses.

16. ALWAYS assume the tenant is completely oblivious to their rights, because that’s usually the case, and you’ll consequently save a bundle of cash. With that in mind, forget Gas Safety Certificates, Energy Performance Certificates, and the alike.

17. You’re paying the mortgage; you’re keeping the rain off your tenant’s head, never forget that. You owe tenants nothing.

18. The property is is YOURS, not your tenants’. You enter and leave as you please, no questions.

19. Start a blog and start bitching about your tenants for fun.

Add to the list, please…

120 Join the Conversation...

Showing 70 - 120 comments (out of 120)
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Chris 28th February, 2012 @ 23:58

fed up:

The builder has damaged the internal/external sewer/soil (poop) pipes.
Get the council to have a look and unblock it. The pipe needs to be repaired or replaced.

Dont with hold rent, get receipts for stuff done if any and if he doesn't repay you take the landlord to the small claims court, you could possibly claim back some rent for the inconvenience.

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fed up 29th February, 2012 @ 00:29

big problem we have no spare cash and no family to borrow off we get no housing benefit and our incomings just cover our outgoings with about £50 spare each month.The council now charge for the service so if we called them we would need to pay

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Paul 29th February, 2012 @ 07:03

Speak to the council, this is a health issue that they can help with, explain the problem, sanitation is taken VERY seriously in the UK, the council will point you in the right direction.

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fed up 14th April, 2012 @ 17:53

need some more advise my rent is due today landlord said he is increasing in from today we have had no notice of this can he do that

Also he got me to sign for a warm front grant i was told the rent could not be increased for 1 year from insulation date 28/3/12 he says that doesnt count as he had noy increased rent for 4 years due to ecconomic climate.

we get no housing benefit , and on friday my husband hours were cut at work losing £350 amonth in pay and could be redundant next moth no idea what to do as we will only get £111 in job seekers a week and £80 towards our £119 rent no idea what we going to do so advise please

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fed up 14th April, 2012 @ 18:38

sorry to post again we wont be able to move if husband is made redundant as homes in my area say no DSS i am so worried no idea what we can do

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maxxie 19th May, 2012 @ 13:54

Being a landlord is a tough job. It's all about knowing the laws and then abiding by them. When tenants don't pay, there's lots of interim stuff to get to pay--at least where I am. For example, an emergency could arise that forces you to shut off the water and the power. This could keep same off for days, even weeks. Let the tenant bitch. What do you care? Or, you could decide to change the front door--and then the door doesn't get delivered. Not much you can do but leave the door off. Or, try the windows--especially if it's winter.

There's no reason to not get the money out of the tenant. If they leave without paying, and live nearby, paint their name on the side of the building as a deadbeat tenant and put a big sign on top of your vehicle, saying, "Pay your rent [their name here]". If you have their phone number, hire someone to call every 15 minutes.

These tactics are well worth the effort. At the least, they help you vent your fury, and sometimes may get the money. Don't waste time in court. Someone who's such a loser they won't pay the rent, likely won't show up, either.

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fed up 19th May, 2012 @ 19:56

Maxxi I have paid my landlord £53,000 in rent my landlord as taken 1 month to get someone to look at my front door the lock as gone and need a new locking system, he left me with blocked drains for 3 weeks, my landlord is now unhappy that my huby as had is hours cut at work taking a £400 pay cut before tax , and we need to apply for housing benefit and he refusing to give us a tennent agreement saying if my hubby is made redundant he does not want dwp in is house , so as we have no contract we can be evicted due to redundacy,

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Chris 20th May, 2012 @ 00:10

fed up:

Your landlord sounds like a right asshole.

You've probably paid for this well off/rich nitwit to sit on his fat ass for years.

OK a landlord doesn't owe you anything but...

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fed up 27th July, 2012 @ 15:01

new problem my landlord as not paid the man who fixed my door, we had a new lock fitted due to a problem ith the door 8 weeks ago, he came round today to see if i could pay him, them deduct from rent, our rent as just been paid till 15/8/12 getting worried now can he remove the lock

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Paul 27th July, 2012 @ 15:26

fed Up,
What was the problem with the lock?

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fed up 27th July, 2012 @ 21:00

we couldnt lock the door due to the door dropping in the frame which we reported to him i was on my own hubby was on work landlord was away had no contact details so i forced the door closed so needed a new lock but now landlord wont pay the lock smith he says if he doesnt get paid he will remove the lock

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Paul 28th July, 2012 @ 01:27

If you reported to the landlord that the door wouldnt close, then what you are saying is that you forced the door closed to maintain the security of the landlords property, give the locksmith the landlords name and address and ask him to send the bill to the landlord.

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steve 17th October, 2012 @ 15:22

Ask your landlord to replace the lock, to ensure the security of his property. Talk to him reasonably, as you would a co-worker, rather than in a defensive or accusatory manner. It's probable that he doesn't think the amount charged by the locksmith is reasonable, based on the cost of the part itself. As you know - service costs usually exceed the value of the part - in this case a lock. Tell the locksmith the situation, preferably on a Friday afternoon, let him remove the lock, and tell the landlord in advance that this will happen. Weekends are good as someone is likely to be in your residence to meet the locksmith. Suggest to the landlord (in writing - keep a copy along with the locksmith's bill) that he install a new lock, say on the Saturday, the day the old one is removed. Worst comes to worst, go to a DIY shop and buy a simple dead-bolt, they aren't expensive. Instructions are on the package, keep the receipt, and deduct it from your next rent payment. Start looking for a new place to rent ASAP.

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aaa 17th October, 2012 @ 22:14

Landlords are only human beings. As a short term tenant who comes from a very difficult background I haven't had the luxury of procuring a place to stay from an expensive and reliable landlord, and have mostly rented from landlords who have little understanding of their obligations as landlords and tend to take advantage of people, only to find it backfiring. I have my own horror stories but the fact remains, you get what you pay for. If you're a tenant and aren't prepared to go through your tenancy agreement and your rights and obligations as a tenant (it's not just paying the rent) then don't be surprised when you suffer great calamities. Likewise if you're a landlord who wants a quick buck then be prepared for HUGE headaches down the line.

It's not reasonable to expect landlords with little experience to grasp what landlording is, its a tough job and you need to know what is going on. I'd gauge that most tenants here are tired of the dysfunctional relationships with their landlord, that is most probably due to them not really understanding their job. It doesn't matter what way you deal with it, if you're not willing to live up to your contractual agreement and operate as a functional landlord, you are going to experience problem after problem.

If your tenants are not up to scratch, why haven't you run checks on them? If you aren't 100% confident on your judge of character why not get a letting agent to sort it out? Being a landlord is not easy. If you don't want tenants doing a runner with the rent then ensure that they have some kind of proof of employment or occupation. As another landlord put it, its a BUSINESS, not something you tinker around with and decide later if the tenant 'gets along' - these are peoples homes.

In my experience, there is no shortage of landlords who talk about being holy and mighty but have eyes light up as soon as you show them a months' rent and a deposit. These landlords eventually face constant problems (usually big financial ones!) and drive out the good tenants. With all the laws surrounding property, I'm surprised there isn't a mandatory course like a driving test to confirm that a landlord knows what they are doing. It's important to listen when you first meet a landlord or tenant and let them do the talking; if they already have issues with their current circumstances then they are likely to talk about them ie. "Fell out with my tenant" or "Got kicked out over an argument about the rent". It's ludicrous how many times I've met co-tenants and landlords who have made complaints about previous circumstances that eventually re-manifest themselves - they will even be quite vocal and specific about it.

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Paul 18th October, 2012 @ 07:43

Some of the points you make are valid, and having been both a tenant and landlord i can vouch for nuch of it, however,,,
If your tenants are not up to scratch, why haven't you run checks on them? If you aren't 100% confident on your judge of character why not get a letting agent to sort it out?

Ive used two so called expert agents, both of whom ive ended up showing how to do the job, at the same time as losing money paying them fees, having done this job for some years now i realise that the whole legislation regarding lettings is a mess, there should be NO stigma in renting, but the contract,(rental agreement) is a bloody joke, the whole process needs demistifying, and re-drawing in PLAIN ENGLISH, clearly stating each parties responsibilities, further more, a government website/database devoted to grading landlords via KPIs and clients (tenants) on their behaviour IE rent arrears, utility arrears, and damage to property upon leaving.

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aaa 22nd October, 2012 @ 15:16

Paul- a property agent is there to provide peace of mind. They should never have to be macromanaged or told how to do their own job. A tenant has no time to deal with a landlord who is confused about how to manage their own property, no more than a landlord has time with the tenants' affairs; if you find yourself in a situation where you are unhappy with the conduct of your agent then you need to pursue it with them, not the tenant.

The law around property in the UK is pretty mind-boggling when it comes to renting, but I've found that most situations can be worked through, and that the local council can always offer support. Plus, there is plenty of advice written in plain english for both parties about renting- and tenants can be 'graded' stringently through credit, background and reference checks.

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Paul 22nd October, 2012 @ 15:38

Paul- a property agent is there to provide peace of mind. They should never have to be macromanaged or told how to do their own job. lf in a situation where you are unhappy with the conduct of your agent then you need to pursue it with them, not the tenant.
If i have a problem with the agent, WHY would i pursue it with the tenant?
I am currently working with an agent who represents the local council, and having to macro manage them, im going to assume you are a landlord, you know so much?

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Scum hater 26th November, 2012 @ 10:42

"Property owning landlords now wanting handouts from the government paid straight to them in the form of HB . . . You're then no better than the feckless underclass you are exploiting"

No we're not because we worked for a living to get were we are, we don't just open our legs to every man we meet in the hope of creating another "source of income" 9 months later. All these scummy housing benefit baby machines should have their fanny's stiched up so they can't breed anymore. They treat people's property with no regard and blame everyone else but themselves, but thank goodness the net is closing in on them, go tories!

I call em "cheap glue", they'll last a while, but eventually they'll all come unstuck.

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TheBrutalKremlin 11th December, 2012 @ 15:47

Aside from the DSS issues - Landlords in Britain are truly taking the piss. I cannot believe there is no clear legl recourse for tenancy, and problems. The Rent Deposit scheme is a start, but liek someone above said: owning to rent is a BUSINESS and shoudl be regulated and taxed as one.

Not all tenants are 'scum'. Some of us pay timely, and even take pleasure in, wait, get this, IMPROVING things - doing our own painting, etc. I have been screwed out of deposits, been lied to and allowed take flat underneath a full-on house renovation project - heaviest banging, drillng, pounding from 8am for SEVEN SOLID MONTHS because the shit arse uses illegal aliens to do the work instead of proper builders, and now, have moved in a MOTHERFUKCING DJ rigth next door to us.

We pay on time, honor our agreements, and take care of the property. The Landlord hides behind email.


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Loe 5th January, 2013 @ 13:30

Thanx for the advice!

My landlord is shit and now I know why. He tries to sleaze onto me all the time and raises the rent $20.00 a week per year, get's his brother or mates to fix things (even for a hot water system, anything to avoid spending money),barely gives notice to any of us for anything (he just turns up whenever he likes), if the neighbour complains about me flushing the toilet he tells me to stop flushing the toilet etc. I pay my rent on time, am quiet (no complaints from neighbours except this new one who says I flush the toilet too much and it keeps him awake). It's through a Real Estate but still he doesn't care and thanks to your advice I am not going to give the scumbucket any more rent money, I'll go find a better property and a less crap landlord.

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Paul 5th January, 2013 @ 15:11

TheBrutalKremlin, (arse)

Aside from the DSS issues - Landlords in Britain are truly taking the piss. I cannot believe there is no clear legl recourse for tenancy, and problems. The Rent Deposit scheme is a start, but liek someone above said: owning to rent is a BUSINESS and shoudl be regulated and taxed as one.

It is a business, i do pay tax, and i look after tenants houses, whilst its nice that you can read and write, perhaps you could research the subject before making an unimformed statement.

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TheBrutalKremlin 11th January, 2013 @ 18:08

Paul (insert stupid namecalling here)

If you're so high and mighty, put your money where your hot air is. Start a movement to bring the rest of your sleazy, money-raking contemporaries up to your arrogant standards.

Uninformed? No. 1. You cannot legally withold anything - even in dire circumstances; 2. you get referred to a useless CAb, where it takes days to even get information; 3. The rents being asked for especially in London are a complete joke.

It's indefensible. So, diddums, quit getting your feelings hurt and posting nonsense. You're all about as trustworthy as the bankers - more criminals that the government lets off the hook.

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Paul 11th January, 2013 @ 20:26

If you're so high and mighty, put your money where your hot air is. Start a movement to bring the rest of your sleazy, money-raking contemporaries up to your arrogant standards.

Wow you really have issues, you really are a fuckwit, im not high and mighty, nor am i sleazy, i have been on benefits, as i stated earlier in this thread arse hole, fuck youre another totally stupid twat!

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Alison 27th January, 2013 @ 22:24

Sounds like my former landlord! Only they did do quarterly inspections for the entire 4 and a half years of my tenancy...then decided when I handed my notice in that I'd done £1000 of damage :/ No 'evidence' was found until after my final inspection with the landlord, and it all got rather unpleasant.

Thankfully I learned my lessons, wised up, stopped being naive (and trusting) and have been rewarded with a gem of a landlord!

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dave 23rd April, 2013 @ 15:21

name calling aside, there's some good comments here. my feelings on housing are straightforward: anyONE that works full time in a country should have the ability to buy their own place in that country. anything less IMO means that the econ/housing/land/tax policies of that country have let that person/group of people down, badly. the UK is far from alone in having a large house price/wage ratio, but i think it could do far more to live up to its side of the social contract (implied, IMO by income (and other) taxes).
someone far smarter than this commenter said:'for every complex problem, there is a simple, and wrong, answer'.

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Camel 29th September, 2013 @ 22:04

This is my first time here but I totally love this forum and Paul especially. Your posts are hilarious and some of them actually had me nearly pissing myself with laughter. I can't even remember what my original Google search was about, I was completely sidetracked.

On a serious note though, Landlords, I hate them. At least I hate the two I've had in my time. The first isn't even worth mentioning much but the one thing I can say to her credit is that she taught me never to completely trust someone.

My current Landlord is, on the whole, an okay guy. He's not intrusive, usually responds to my messages in a reasonable amount of time and when he asks me to do something he is never rude or demanding. Consequently I am a good little tenant who always pays the rent on time (sometimes even a day or two early), doesn't call him up every five minutes over petty things and doesn't treat his property like shit. And yes, I claim housing benefit.

So what is my beef? Well, he's lazy. There have been a number of issues over the 2.5 years of my tenancy and he has not been very forthcoming about fixing them. Why should I have to ask for him to check out a slug infestation for months and the only reason he eventually comes to sort it is because he wants me to sign the new tenancy agreement. Then there was the smoke alarm - dn't get me started. I had t live with it needing a battery change for around 3 months and do you have any idea what a mind fuck it is to hear that thing going off every couple of minutes? The first time I mentioned the problem he simply told me to change the battery. I couldn't and shouldn't have to as the contract clearly states that the tenant is not to tamper with any fire safety precautions.

Lazy bastard!

I told him several other times about the fire alarm (while secretly hoping a neighbour would cmplain about it gong off because the walls are thin and yu can ear it frm outside) but because I made the mistake f mentioning it among other things (we usually communicate via text) he simply ignored it. However, he could n longer avid the issue when I realised one of the radiators was not working so he needed to come down and check it out.

Sometime during those 3 months of constant beeping hell the fridge freezer stopped working so I asked him to replace or fix it. He's very fond of fixing things himself if he can in order to save cash - another hindrance I forgot to mention above - so naturally he pissed about.. It was only when I got a professional to call him up and remind him of the health and safety implications of me not having a working fridge freezer that all of a sudden a new one was to be delivered two days later. His sorry excuse for not responding to my request earlier was that his phone wasn't working, but funny how it works when he's reminded of the law, right? He really cheaped out on the new fridge freezer but I won't even go there. Actually, I'm on a roll so I will go there. The freezer compartment is about 4 times smaller and the unit is much narrower. It's also a lot shorter because of the smaller freezer space. It looks so dumb standing there with all that apace above and around it.

So why is this shitbag so lazy? Because he doesn't even live in London. Did I tell him to rent in South East London? No, I did not. Then when he does come down here he has the cheek to talk about one room out of five being messy. Not dirty. Messy. He really ought to pay closer attention to his obligations as a Landlord and his own fucking lazy arse. He also needs to become acquainted with the tenancy agreement as on numerous occasions I have quoted from it and asked him questions about certain clauses and he has had no friggin' clue.

I have half a mind to retract my earlier statement and write abut my first landlord so that you can all get a lesson in how fricking conniving so-called friends can be. What I will add to that subject is some advice that I'm sure many of you already know and which applies to Landlords and tenants alike:

1 Never rent from a friend.

2 Never become friends with your landlord/tenant.

3 Be cmpassionate with your landlord/tenant (there'd no need to be a bastard, even at the bitter end) but maintain that professional distance.

4 Like it or not there's advantage takers on both sides. Just because the landlord/tenant has been good to you for most of the tenancy it doesn't mean that when they start to fuck up you should allow the liberties they're taking out of your good relationship.

5 Never go above and beyond the call of duty - in my experience it's a sure sign of weakness from either party and an open invitation for future piss taking.

Keep the funny posts coming.

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Camel 29th September, 2013 @ 22:29

I wrote my last post pretty fast so please forgive all the bad spelling, typos, grammar, etc. I'd edit the original but I can't so...

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Roger 25th November, 2013 @ 19:19

There's no getting away from the fact that 99.9% of slumlords are people hoping to become millionaires through charging exorbitant rents for tiny - usully divided up - properties.

It is a sliding scale of scum-baggery where some obey the law, fix things and generally provide the service they claim to be providing (aside from the fact that it's still extortionate), to a much larger mass who want to live off easy earnings in the exact same way they chastise other people for doing so.

The majority of slumlords are political simpletons, often right-wing, racists, economically retarded and thus reduced to brute extortion through the mechanism Paul urges: 'Don't withhold your rent', which means while you dispute the landlord has no compelling reason to listen to you.

It's moronic to even assert that within an economic culture that encourages and maintains reduced input for more output among capital owners, that slumlordism - the classic no-work solution to living off other people - wouldn't practise the same culture. Many here mention the slumlord who uses his mates to fix boilers etc, bypassing regulation where possible, writing corrupt conditions into contracts that get signed by people in need of housing now.

Theres one solution: abolition of private slumlords. They are an anachronism and a criminal class operating with the consent of a criminal corporate fuelled government.

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Chris 26th November, 2013 @ 03:18

Roger, your comment is amazing, I loved it thanks, it is so true.

All a landlord has done is been lucky enough to get on the housing ladder and work the renting system to there advantage.

They, the slumlords, do no work and say the DSS tenants are leaches, this is both hypocritical & hilarious. They both use the same system to pay there rent.

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fed up 2013 8th December, 2013 @ 14:35

10 days ago our oven broke landlord still not fixed it the day before I had done a big shop all food that needs to be cooked in the oven so now I have to either have a take away or microwave meals as I have no means of cooking how long can I be left with an oven landlord say he no money at the moment rent due 15/12 could I buy a cooker deduct from rent

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boboff 10th December, 2013 @ 08:34

This is comedy gold.

Thank you.

fed up. no, just go on Gumtree and get a cooker for free.

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fed up 10th December, 2013 @ 09:08

I can afford to buy a cooker just don't see why should contract states he responsible for the built in oven

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fed up 11th December, 2013 @ 10:16

well still no electric oven landlord not returning phone calls emails or text messages getting to the stage were I am planning on getting my own and deducting it from the rent, it s 7 days since he sent someone to look at it 14 days since I informed him it had broke in writing.

was can I do that will not get me evicted

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Mr bint 4th January, 2014 @ 15:03

Housing Benefit exists to prop up the market. If it were abolished tomorrow the true value of housing would settle on what people could afford.

Any government is scared shitless of a housing crash so halfwit investors are left with a golden goose. An investment that can never depreciate.

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Nick 6th January, 2014 @ 13:08

hello. i found a flat to rent and i gived my depozit on 22 to hold me the flat. on the first the landlord called me for rent as he wants me to pay on the 1st of every month. as this is his wright i accepted to pay him even at the begining the deal was that i will move on 8. mean time the landlord agreed to fix and to arrange some things in the flat..i moved and the things were not fixed. after 5 days i called him becouse i had a lick from the roof. he said yes and he dissapeard. not answering the phone, mesages, nothing. after 1 month he came for the rent and his excuse was that he was in holidays 3 weeks. after several calls he came and he ''fixed'' for 1 hour something on the roof. after his operation the leak was small but still not fixed. i talked with him and i told him that i will refuse to pay him if he doesnt complete his part from the contract he signed and what he agreed to fix before me moving. i considered that what he did was a scam as long as i had complaints after 5 days of living. also we announced him to open the heater in december as was his responability ( rent was all inclusive except council tax) and he didn't. his responsability was to add me to the council so i can have a bill on my name as proof of adress and also as a sign that is my responsability. i needed a proof of adress in uk since i moved from cyprus. becouse of him was very difficult to arrange my work documents. but he asked me money cash to pay the council tax. i told him that i;m paying what is on my name and what we agreed by the contract. after 2 months i was clean.. i stay'd on that flat paying the rent and living 1 month for the deposit since i was convinced that i'm not gonna see it back so easy. after 2 months i set up a meeting with him and i explained him that i'm not gonna leave until he doesn't do what we agreed when we sign the contrat. he said ok.. he soupouse to fix it. it past again 1 month. meantime i found a place to moove. i moved and i didnt payd him for 1 month as he failed to do his part and fix for 3 months.. becouse he let me without heat in the house, he was giving me hot water when he wanted but i was paying for normal flat. i rented 3 flats with 2 and 3 bedroom in cyprus but never had problems with the owners. i dont know if what i did was correct but he really pissed me off. anyway i left the appartament clean in the condition i took it and i gived him the keys. i'm sure that not everybody are the same but my first impresion in uk regarding the landlords was not a very nice one. now i found a nice place. the owner is ok, flat ok, i pay him on date as she shows me respect

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John 29th January, 2014 @ 09:44

What nonsense? If you give them too much they’ll eventually expect you to lick the gum off their shoes. As long as you, the landlord, have hot food and water, nothing else really matters. Start a blog and start bitching about your tenants for fun. It’s ridiculous! The person who wrote this article creates a monster that doesn’t care anything at all. You’d better write some tips on how to be a good landlord to avoid problems with tenants. Like taking care of the house, be sure everything is in good condition there etc.

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Heather 27th March, 2014 @ 10:47

I've read most of the comments here and must say that there are plenty of douche bags with strong opinions. It is silly to assume that all landlords are greedy scum, and equally silly to assume that all tenants are crap.

I am both a renter and a landlord. I own property out of state (where I could afford to buy), but still rent in my big city as it is the more economical choice for me. I have had decent luck with landlords. Problems will arise (houses simply break down), but it is their ability to respond quickly and effectively that sets them apart from the slumlords some have described here. Frankly, if you have a landlord that will not respond to issues in this manner, then you simply need to move. You cannot fix stupid and you will drive yourself nuts trying to do so.

I rented a new place recently and have been here now just over six months. There are many problems with the place, but the broken plumbing is my biggest gripe. My shower does not drain properly (might as well take a bath) and the toilet backs up with raw sewage (smells like decomposing bodies and I want to puke just thinking about it). And on top of all of the problems with the home, this mousy little landlord (who lives miles away, and not on my property) is always around and has had the nerve to walk right up to my bedroom window and stare at me while I am naked on my bed.

I am in the process of moving and have done my best to embarrass the hell of this little twat. I filed a police report for his peeping tom behavior, I contacted the planning and development (building code) people to have an inspector come out (they will fine him and force him to fix the issues if deemed bad enough), I am drafting a letter to all other tenants and surround neighbors (watch out for the sexual deviant), and will ultimately sue him for rents overpaid on such a crap living experience. That is how you deal with a crappy landlord.

My current situation makes me feel like the greatest landlord on earth. My tenants don't leave until they buy a house or have some reason to move out of state, but never because I neglected to take care of the house or their needs. Had my current landlord treated with me half of the respect I give my own tenants, I wouldn't be forced to move. But again, you cannot fix stupid.

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Denise 17th April, 2014 @ 19:36

I LOVE this blog so much. I think I wet my trousers laughing at all the imperial douche bags!!!Let them have it Paul hahahahaha
Lots of Love
A Canadian Gal
Vancouver Island, B.C

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JEZ 30th April, 2014 @ 20:11

Zumba 123

This is nearly 2.5 years after you last replied (I think), but I've been intrigued by your posts.... so what the hell!

Because of your disability status you could've gotten free insulation for his loft from British Gas. But he refused to OK this. Why?
Why would your landlord turn down frebbie insulation for his loft? It's no skin off his nose, and would add value to his house.

It does not compute that he's turn it down... unless; thinking on mt feet hear.

You also complained about leaky flues regarding a gas fire. Maybe he didn't want British Gas personnel traipsing about in his property finding fault with his gas fires?
I doubt they would have, but maybe he thought they would have?

Has this landlord ever shown you a Gas Safety Certificate?

If you're still in this property, I think you maybe in more danger from carbon monoxide poisoning than going a little cold in winter.
Did your landlord not expect you to replace a gas fire with an electric one?
If so, then he was expecting you to pay through the odds to heat a property electrically, rather than get the gas problem sorted.


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zumba123 3rd November, 2014 @ 18:16

JEZ left the property and surprise all the issues I raised where brought up by the agent he put the property with

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Lawrence 23rd January, 2015 @ 16:38

"Frankly, if you have a landlord that will not respond to issues in this manner, then you simply need to move. You cannot fix stupid and you will drive yourself nuts trying to do so."


This is invaluable advice and will save me from a lot of wasted energy and time due to my previous foolish assumptions that my landlord is reasonable, interested in providing a proper service, logical etc.

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Sioux 20th February, 2015 @ 19:48

I accidently came across this blog, and I can't believe the language hating and fighting,
By both landlords and tenannts.
I am a woman from northern ireland, I'm disabled, and I live in a marina property in county down, I'm not a 'theiving c#~t as one man generalized about human beings in reciept of housing benefit.
I'm disabled and entitled and I was a facemaker and I've paid much in the way of tax when I was able to work.

There are responsibilitys as Well as rights on both sdes of the net, and we have to make efforts that are equal and just.
I personally wouldn't be horrible to a landlord but by the same tolken I wouldn't Accept unjustified bullying either, and I know about housing and tennant and landlord rights, I always play by the book and I like a well presented clean modern home.
But I must say that no matter how big my effort is ie: always leaving the property's in a lovely way, I don't get my deposits back total or half?
And I've lost thousands over the years as a disabled woman.
There is proof online of how I leave a property, go and see
Look for No. 2 kinnegar court holywood co down, on sale with simon o brien, the way you see that house photographed two days after I left, is Absolutley how I left that house, I even left the double bed from next the black rattan furniture a beko silver tumble drier the coloured pictures on the living room walls and the glass table, as a nice gesture as I wanted new things after the years I'd had those items, and yet!
I was given only half my deposit back, that house has been sitting that way since I left in august 2014, I had to move as I was bullied Badly by the next door neighbour, who has a history of hatefullness needlesly, and as I'm unwell I couldn't carry on coping, but I didn't up and run, I alerted my landlord every step of the way, and left the house as you see it.
So we are not all those filthy things that have been said about housing benefit claimers.
I don't know why your all so disgusting
I'm deeply offende and find all of this distressing.
I just want to be kind and decent to all living beings no matter What my experiences are
There's room for everyone
Give second chances, Get second chances
Thank you
Mrs f.

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thepinc h 2nd May, 2015 @ 00:49

I think this article is wonderful. I am not here to argue online pettiness. I am here to channel Machiavelli.

I am a female landlord and a very nice person. I had a tenant make me drive 250 kms during a holiday weekend to fix a broken fridge that turned out to not be broken.

Just 5 minutes ago somebody wanted to cram 3 people into a very small unit. I read this and emailed them back, saying it is not worth my time.

This is a very dirty business. Any sign of weakness can be exploited. This article is not 100% best practices, but it sets the tone - this is my property and my responsibility, and I am not here to serve.

If you want the suite with the granite kitchen, you are going to have to kiss my ass.

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kitkat 28th April, 2016 @ 20:55

To be honest, my only issue is with landlords who justify their behavior by saying the bank won't forgive them if they are late on a payment, so why should they forgive you. The thing is I know property owners and the bank will forgive you. They might charge you a late fee but I was under the impression that is also why you charge the tenant a late fee. Also I see you as an idiot if you are relying on your tenant's rent check to pay all the bills if you are only leasing a single property. As a land lord it would be smart to have your own money saved up in case of emergencies, especially since you are fortunate enough to be able to afford property.

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kitkat 28th April, 2016 @ 21:05

Oh and to add to this list, I hate landlords who charge you out the ass, and then don't bother to update their appliances. I'm paying 1100+ a month and my dishwasher as well as my dryer are more likely than not, over 20 years old, which wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that they are falling apart and don't work correctly. I find myself frequently asking myself why we are paying so much for this place? In the end the appliances end up wasting more electricity and water and costing me more when I have to pay my electric and water bill. I have been considering negotiating my rent down because of this. The reason I say my rent is 1100+ a month is because it fluctuates depending on how much the water bill is, which the landlord charges us for. I overpaid by 97 dollars last month and this months rent still came out to 1063. (note: last months rent was 1103 and I paid 1200)

I kinda feel like the landlord is taking advantage of me to be honest because no matter how much I have been over paying rent I can't get ahead. It just magically keeps going up.

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ThePinch 28th April, 2016 @ 22:43

I bleed for you.

I am a landlord. I just evicted a guy for sexually harassing me. He was drunk most evenings and weekends. At over 6 feet, and over 400 lbs., he was coming to my door after midnight, etc. and demanding to know about my sex life, handing over the panties he found in the dryer and making comment, etc. When he left he sent me a text telling me about all the photos that he has of me. Yeah, life's a bitch.

Bottom line (no pun intended) - the landlord won't replace your stuff if its working. SO take a lesson from your evil twin and find a way to ensure that they are not working. The onus is now on them to prove it, but in the meantime, you need a new oven. Savvy?

For Pete's sake, be consistent in your payments. You are creating confusion. And personally, I'd say "stop whining". You sound like a little kid.

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Mee 29th July, 2016 @ 21:41

Landlords are all greedy scrounging scum, thick as pigshit, and can't add up. Heaven forbid that they would actually do anything for their free money, bloody parasites.

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Dmitri Kara 2nd June, 2017 @ 14:00

Add mandatory fees for cleaning, repairs, inventory replacements, breathing, sunlight and having allergies. Having allergies definitely means tenants have to pay more, lol.

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Jesse 1st March, 2018 @ 19:15

No-one has to tell my landlord how to be a shit landlord! I had rented a house from him under a year lease and found that the furnace didn't produce enough hot water. The hot water was 96 degrees with faucet wide-open. My landlord didn't want to do anything nor install a hot water heater so I finally got fed-up and invited the Town Building Inspector to check it out. He agreed with me that the furnace needed to produce hotter water at least to a 100 degrees! When my landlord couldn't make it happen and only could get 96 degrees I asked my landlord twice on the phone if he'd be willing to dissolve the lease with me and allow me to go month to month instead. I had mercy on the guy and thought maybe I'd try to tolerate the lack of hot water! He agreed we could go month to month! He confirmed the decision twice with me on the phone during that phone call! So I called the Town Building Inspector and told him my landlord dissolved the lease so I could move out if I wanted to. The Town Building Inspector was glad, said great and decided not to pursue my landlord any further! Two months later I tell my landlord I found a house I wanted to move to and guess what? My landlord says no way, that I'm still under contract regarding the lease, and that it was never put in writing! Imagine?? I had done a favor for the guy, trusted him and he fucked me! You know what the worst part is? He goes to church on Sundays, has bibles and Jesus notes posted all over his living room! He's a born-again Christian. The other day I asked him if he'd dissolve the lease allowing me to move 45 days from now. I told him I needed an answer soon because I had an application I needed to FAX to the property owner. You know what he said? He said "I need time to think and pray about the matter." I replied back with my notice to vacate reiterating everything that had happened! Fuck him! Now today he's was outside in the driveway doing some work. When I spotted him he spotted me! He immediately smiled wanting to make friendly conversation! He's a sick man in my opinion probably under the control of a demon if such a thing exists!

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Slumlord Slayer 22nd January, 2020 @ 04:18

It's a royal shame that, via your apparent sarcasm, you have given criminals new ideas and methods to abuse their tenants. Slumlords beware, karma is real and so is divine justice!!

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Tistor 3rd June, 2020 @ 07:27

I'm nervous. I didn't want to rent from my ahole landlord anymore. Now I have to be out in 27 days but I haven't found anywhere to go yet...

So, I guess, the only thing worse than renting from an assh0le landlord is being homeless.

















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