You Should Hear What My Landlord Says…

Earlier today I was having what can only be described as a tragically mundane conversation with a female buddy of mine via Whatsapp; nothing inappropriate was being said, nor did she have the decency to transfer any of her home-made erotica. It was almost pointless and a total waste of my precious time. But then, out of nowhere, in the midst of the garbage formalities, as I was feeling discouraged and utterly dissatisfied, she threw a much-needed curve ball to elevate the conversation; she started educating me on her creepy live-in Landlord. Suddenly my ears perked, and the conversation inevitably transpired into something I needed to share. So here I am.

She doesn’t know about this blog, so nothing said was fabricated to heighten the viewing pleasure. In fact, she doesn’t even know I’m a landlord. I should probably tell her one day, she’s most likely curious to how I’ve managed to fund my aggressive cocaine habit and accumulate a wrist full of gold Daytona Rolexes. But I digress.

Here’s the conversation:



Pretty weird. I’m still debating whether or not it’s funny. I suppose it’s funny until he whips his wrinkly, chapped pecker out and starts chasing her around the house, terrorising her with it.

Actually, no, that’s still funny– but not as funny as a grown man texting someone from inside the same vicinity, trying to entice them to come out and play. In any case, even if your sense of humour differs from mine, the situation is definitely morbidly fascinating, like a decapitated head laying beside a car crash, so I’ll continue…

I had to slightly edit the screen-shots to protect my friend’s identity, and I’m going to refer to her as ‘Cheese-tits’ for the remainder of this post to keep things in perspective, since she is being targeted like a hooker, consequently warrants a cheap and nasty reference. Also, for my own amusement, I’d appreciate it if you all got involved (we really don’t participate in enough group bonding exercises), and refer to her as Cheese-tits if you leave a comment referencing her. Perhaps give her some advice and/or your condolences.

The most important aspect of the conversation: I’m sure you all noticed that even at the most inappropriate time, the idea of me doing ungodly things was savoured and encouraged by the lady, Cheese-tits. Ordinarily, a woman would be totally repelled and sickened by ALL men choking the chicken during that specific time/scenario. I hope that gives you all a real indication of how desirable I am, and I haven’t just been blowing my own trumpet for all these years without reason.

Onto the core of the matter: the landlord’s inappropriate gestures! The nonce clearly has no sense of boundaries, and as Dirty Harry famously said, “a man’s got to know his limitations” Unfortunately, this molesting little grease-ball hasn’t got a clue, and doesn’t have the slightest understanding of the landlord/tenant relationship. Needless to say, Cheese-tits is frantically in the process of finding a new place to live. I just hope she makes it out in time, because this walking human-erection sounds like a ticking time-bomb, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s ploying to spike her water supply with Rohypnol so his fun can commence. If I were him, that’s what I would do.

She’s only been a tenant for 3 weeks, and there’s been a continuous trial of inappropriate gestures from the day she moved in, which she’s been forced to endure and nervously laugh-off. At first he was making harmless remarks, ones you would expect to hear on a building site from a tribe of hairy, blue-collar dip-shits. The comments were still inappropriate, but marginally tolerable. But as he got more comfortable with her presence, he upped the ante, and his gestures started to resemble the ramblings of a bonafide sex-offender. Suddenly, “hey, you look nice today” transformed into, “hey, you’re sexy, you’re my type, shame I have a g/f” Massively inappropriate given the circumstances. You could say, “Shit got real”

Cheese-tits didn’t want to make the situation any more uncomfortable; she especially didn’t want to cause friction between the landlord and his live-in partner, so she acted honourably by conjuring up a dog-shit excuse for why she needed to vacate, which entailed, “leaving the area due to work commitments” Wise decision. It’s best to make it clear that she can’t be tracked down and further seduced by his vile poetry. Meanwhile, the prospective sex-offender doesn’t have a clue that his explicit sleaziness drove her away. Cheese-tits informs me that he’s deluded, that he sincerely believes his intelligence is a tractor-beam for vagina, consequently any lady would be lucky to have him fantasise about blowing his cheesy-and-chive load over them.

He insists that even when she vacates, they will remain “good friends” That’s sweet.

Granted, we’ve all experienced inappropriate “thoughts” about people we shouldn’t, whether it be our tenant or our best mate’s mum. But when you actually say it out loud, in an intrusive manner, to the person starring in your fantasises, that’s when you start dipping into Hannibal Lecter territory. Cheese-tits does make it clear though, she doesn’t think he’s dangerous, he’s generally nice to her, he’s just unbelievably inappropriate and sleasy. But I’m convinced the guy has a mental condition, because anyone sane would realise that what they’re saying/doing is totally ridiculous and mental.

Leave when it’s time to leave

I’ve discussed this before, I don’t quite remember when or where, but I have. It’s planted somewhere deeply with in my blog with many other skeletons, but I’ll say it again, because it’s timeless advice.

Nothing makes me go from joyful and optimistic to destitute and suicidal as quickly as hearing horror stories from tenants that purposely endure misery and then have the audacity to complain about it. The stories I’m often told involve tenants suffering for several months because of their arsehole landlord. How long?

My initial feeling isn’t sympathy, it’s bewilderment, and to be honest, I never entirely reach the sympathy part. Why would anyone tolerate an arsehole landlord for so long, unless they enjoy the pain and misery? This kind of madness happens in every day life, with everyone- we allow problems to fester and haunt our lives, but for some reason we don’t help ourselves to make the situation any better. After a certain point, we’re torturing ourselves, and there’s really no one else to blame but ourselves. For example, some of you may remember one of my more recent blog posts, where I publicly responded to some dumb-founded emails I received. One example was from a mother of 6, complaining that she hadn’t been benefiting from heating or hot water for several weeks, and that her landlord had physically abused her when she complained about it. Ironically, the landlord then issued HER with a Section 21, repossession notice. Quite a dangerous blend of horror, and I actually did feel for the gormless chode, because no one deserves that. But seriously, anyone normal would have reported the incident to the police and vacated the property ASAP, as opposed to emailing an obnoxious landlord blogger saying, “I don’t know what to do next?” Utterly bewildered.

Here are your options, lady, you decide:

  • 1) Fight to remain a tenant of an abusive landlord so you and your kids can continue to stay in an unsafe environment. If that isn’t the perfect breeding ground for developing responsible adults, I don’t know what is.
  • 2) Get someone bigger, badder and uglier to kick the living shit out of your landlord, which will then ignite an ongoing war. It will be cool, and maybe E4 will make one of their quirky off-beat documentaries on it. Or even better, maybe you’ll get a visit from Ross Kemp- and then we can see you and your 6 kids in an interview wearing ski-masks.
  • 3) Report your landlord to the police for physically abusing you, and pack your shit up and roll the fuck out of there so you and your kids are safe.

So, what do you think? Here’s a hint, common sense prevails.

It’s situations like that, when people don’t help themselves, that my penis is left scorned and despirited, because I’m scared of creating something as equally helpless. I’m thankful that Cheese-tits isn’t a complete idiot, and she’s actively planning her escape with in good time.

Jokes aside for a moment, because what I’m discussing happens on a daily basis, and it’s very real and tragic… if you’re a suffering tenant due to your landlords negligence and/or mental condition, make positive actions to help yourself and your family, don’t allow situations to elevate and cause further misery. If you don’t know where to begin, try Shelter and Citizens Advice. They’re both great starting points.

Anyone got any stories about weird/appropriate things their landlord/tenant/agent has said? Moreover, have you had any fantasies about people you shouldn’t have? We’re all friends here… share!

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12 Comments- Join The Conversation...

Guest Avatar
boboff 25th February, 2014 @ 07:48

Cheese Tits.....

Come on Bare, I assume.

I have a lady friend who doesn't mind/enjoys anal sex ( not with me, its platonic) and she refers to the choices her and her partner make at bed time as "Pick & Mix" Which is great for confectionery based gifts, where the children are none the wiser....

Its also sad with my ADHD that when I think of a lady whilst masturbating my mind wonders to the next recycling day and whether I have enough vacuum bags... Chaffing is often the result.

Still at least he's not got to the stage of offering to take "payment in kind"


My only real experience of anything like this is the crying girlfriend, whose been dumped and calls in tears to ask where she stands with nasty chap being still on the AST. That vulnerability is very unnerving. Still Joint and Several I keep saying...Joint and Several, funny names for cats, but hey!

Guest Avatar
Mandy Thomson 25th February, 2014 @ 08:52

On a slightly more serious note, and without meaning to be a killjoy (your blog is hilarious), this kind of thing is a reality for a tenant or lodger (unfortunately, it's much more likely to happen to a lodger) who is trapped with a rogue landlord in the "black" renting market because they can't afford to rent on the open market and/or they might not be able to provide references. Of course, if they can't get a good reference because they've been the kind of tenant who thrashes someone's property or runs up rent arrears...

Guest Avatar
emma 25th February, 2014 @ 09:52

Nothing that a pair of scissors wouldn't put right !

Guest Avatar
Mandy Thomson 25th February, 2014 @ 10:17


Hi Stella

Useful page - do you mind if I mention and link to it from my site,


Guest Avatar
Stella 25th February, 2014 @ 11:08

Feel free.

Guest Avatar
Mandy Thomson 25th February, 2014 @ 21:27

@Thanks, Stella.


Guest Avatar
Mandy Thomson 25th February, 2014 @ 21:33

What is the poor landlord going to do once his hapless lodger has moved out?

I know, over at LRS there's a whole community of landlords who would be more than willing to recommend really suitable tenants (or lodgers). For example, please check out this tenant who left the flat "in pristine condition" A match made in heaven, methinks...

Guest Avatar
No Nonsense Landlord 5th March, 2014 @ 03:43

Tenants should screen their landlords, just like a landlord will screen tenants. Especially if they are living under the same roof. That situation is a bit wierd...

Guest Avatar
Mandy Thomson 5th March, 2014 @ 08:40

@No Nonsense Landlord

I agree - however, it's easier said than done. Lifestyle referencing sites such as (for tenant lifestyle checks) and - a new letting reference site which provides Trip Adviser style reviews of rented property are beginning to provide this kind of thing, but at the moment it's in its infancy.
When I did my research for my own site,, I found that even very few live in LANDLORDS reference their lodgers - and both parties fail to agree proper rules - this should be a red flag to a lodger; if you can't agree clear but reasonable boundaries, it's very likely to go wrong - even with existing friends or acquaintances.

Guest Avatar
Mandy Thomson 5th March, 2014 @ 09:05

@No Nonsense Landlord,

I agree, but at the moment, this is easier said than done. We are seeing a trend where new sites such as (a new site where tenants provide Trip Adviser style reviews of rented property)and lifestyle referencing sites such as are beginning to cater to this need, and hopefully in time most landlords, properties and tenants will be covered. However, when I was researching my website,, I found that LIVE IN LANDLORDS often don't see themselves as real landlords, and they don't even bother running standard checks on lodgers!
If I were a prospective lodger, I would ask to see a CP12 certificate - if this gas safety check isn't carried out every year, the landlord is breaking the law (a landlord being anyone accepting a rent - even for a room). I would also, and even more importantly, ask what house rules the landlord proposes - if is this very vague, or elicits a shrug, or on the other hand, seems too strict - I would walk! But this takes us back to the original argument - if you're in a position to pay the going rate, you have this option. If you can't, you might not.

Guest Avatar
Charlotte 10th March, 2014 @ 07:34

Er. shouldn't cheesetits tell the insane guys's girlfriend... Girl power and all that.

Guest Avatar
Chris Montaselli 28th March, 2014 @ 23:59

Just like Einsteins law iChat nothing can go faster than the speed of light one thing a landlord should never do is fuck his tenant and I am not talking metaphorically

If you do you open yourself up for all kinds of shit

Not quite the same thing but look at it this way if Phillip Spencer can manage to keep out of Kirsties girdle you should do the same


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