Another Day, Another Bullshit Call From An Estate Agent

Idiot on the line

Yesterday I received the most pathetic phone call from an estate agent EVER. I’ve had a few bogus calls from estate agents in my time, but this one was straight out of the, “Lines to use when you’re struggling to sell fuck all” guide. I was actually cringing during the conversation because it was THAT bad; I’m just glad it only lasted 30 seconds, any longer and I would have been forced to pierce my eardrum with a screwdriver. I felt sorry for the agent because he was either a) dumb as shit to think I was going to fall for it, or b) at the end of his tether and needed this sale to get some food on his IKEA table.

That’s when it occured to me that a property slowdown does have it perks; the best aspect being that we get to witness the pathetic attempts of estate agents trying to lure people into buying property.

This is what the conversation went like:

Hi, I’m calling from blahblah Estate Agents. In the past you’ve purchased a few properties from us, so we appreciate your loyalty. To show you our appreciation we’re giving you preferential priority over a property that is currently 30% under market value. It’s a great deal. It’s located in Blahblah. Are you interested?

No. I’m not interested in buying property in that particular area. Do you have anything in Church langley (a nicer part of town)?

errr….oh. No, unfortunately we don’t. But this other property is selling for a bargain price, so it might be in your best interest to get in there first.

Ok, thanks. Goodbye.

Trust me, it was a lot more cringe worthy than I made it sound. Even the tone of the agent was pathetic- he genuinely made it sound like he was doing me a huge favour.

There is no way in hell ANYONE gets preferential treatment from an agent, especially in the middle of an idle market. An estate agent just wants a sale, he/she doesn’t care where the fuck it comes from, consequently I wasn’t going to buy the preferential treatment bullshit. I should have told him to spare others from hearing that line, because if anything, it’s disgustingly repelling. No one with half a brain would fall for it or appreciate it.

Realistically, the agent has a longlist of landlords in their books; the data was probably gathered from past deals. The agent was simply grinding through the list. I was probably 1 out of 2000 landlords that was getting this socalled “preferential treatment”. I remember when a hooker once told me that she would give me the best performance of her life if I abused her filthy services. The agent reminded me of that hooker. What a pair of bitches, aye?

If you’re an agent and you’re going through a tough time, please don’t go down the dishonest, cheesy one-liner path because it won’t win you any sales. Honesty will always prevail; perhaps a tamed bit of cheek will also help, just to help add a little colour. Anyways, I would have preferred it if he just rang up and said:

Hi, I’m calling from blahblah Estate Agents. Look, your number has been in our books since you previously purchased a property through us; right now I really need your help. This idle market is really causing strain; I have kids to feed and bills to pay. But forget my kids, they can survive on dirt and rain water. I need food, and in order for that to happen, I need a sale. I have plenty of properties on the market, come down and take a look, perhaps you’ll like something…

Has anyone else been subjected to ridiculous tactics by agents in this idle property market?

8 Comments- Join The Conversation...

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sycorax 11th August, 2009 @ 15:14

Hell yeah! I hate hate hate 'em. One firm in particular, which is crap and EVIL as opposed to just plain crap and greedy....

I am actually dead dead proud that Husband and I managed to move at all last August, what with twunting (copwright to Sycorax - blend of 'twat' and 'cunt') - bankers and EVIL agents. Basically we found a nice house we wanted, it had plumetted down in asking price from 289K to 275K. Which we knew hardly anyne not loaded and normal could managed, as we realised lending rates were dropping faster than Linsey Lohan's knickers. So we offered 250, got snooty abuse - we kept viewing it and eventually met the owner, who was v nervous and keen to sell. We realised things were getting bad and converted our fab but suddenly unsellable fkat to a BTL, so we could become 'proceedable.' In the end, they accepted 245 - but we had walked away, as the agent, DEXTERS (yes they are CRAAAAAP!) had utterly failed to price our flat right, and were also representing the vendor of the nice house, and failed to encourage her to take our 250 offer. And that's not all! I found the best BTL deal I could get, the agents were offering crud ones. Then came, as you also mention, the 'phone wars. Continual pestering from undereducated wankers who talk a load of bollocks! They kept asking us where we had found (a much better place in the end, again, found by sheer luck by me, and bigger, and cheaper!) - they have this way of pestering you and in the end we told them the place. We had exchanged, and our vendor was just grateful to have good proceedable buyers. Then no news from Dexters. We moved in and got tenants for our old flat. As I was tidying up things the vendor had left, I found this letter from Dexters, addressed to him the DAY we told them we had bought his house and were days away from completion:

'Dear Sir.
We undestand that you are putting your property on the market and have interested buyers. If so may we advise you to contact us in the first instance as we have a number of clients in the area who are prepared to offer you considerably more than the asking price...blah...backstab...bull...
Yours sincerely
Dexters Estates

I was fuming! The letter had been signed by the clueless and yet strangely schemey cow who had been 'assigned' to us. I 'phoned her up and gave her what for - before I even finished my sentence she lapsed straight into a pre-planned fast-spoken get out speech. Which was all lies.

So, in a nutshell:
They all lie, some more than others.
This particular compnany:
Puts thoer own self-inflated fantasies before achieving good deeals for vendor and buyer, ruined several possible sales, pissed of buyers and sellers, failed to realistically price our place and the seller's, and, when we told them we were withdrawing our flat from the market and had Got A Better House Ourselves, they resorted to trying to steal it from our reassuringly decent vendor. Cunts, really. Donnkey-fellating spacktards, even. Don't use 'em! :0)

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sycorax 13th August, 2009 @ 07:20

I would like to apologise for my crappy typing. My hands hurt from digging soil and laying patio slabs! I can spell really, honestly.
Oh, and Xters are still twuntards at the time of posting :0)

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flower 5th October, 2009 @ 10:15

So you're still a property idiot then? surely if you are trying to build a property portfolio you should be working with agents? of dear, you are doomed.............

The Landlord Avatar
The Landlord 5th October, 2009 @ 10:45

Yes, I'm an idiot because I'm not working with agents that offer me shitty deals and feed me cheap, transparent lines. Yes, I AM DOOMED FOR SURE!!!

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Twattybollocks 5th October, 2009 @ 13:18

I too am an idiot for assuming that when I have been to see a property with one of their highly skilled and motivated sales agents I would actually get a follow up phone call from them asking if I wanted to buy it? Obviously no interest in actually getting commission.

Hey flower - you an estate agent?

Sycorax - You go girl - with spelling and language like that have you considered working for the Sunday Sport? I think The landlord should hire you are special correspondant for all things Bankers/Agents/DSS etc!


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sycorax 22nd October, 2009 @ 10:36

Yo Twattybollocks!

Thanks indeed for your kind salutation and felicitous support. Ooh, I was a bit cross when I posted that comment! I maintain though, that my experience of estate agents has been of nothing but twuntery. I'd love to write for the Sport - all that dosh and bouncy-bouncy! I'd love a new keyboard even more tho! Frankly, I cannot believe what a lot of them get away with - sneaky letters, crappy sales, even the 'better' ones charge huge rates for essentially printing out a contract. And they never seem to listen to what the person wants till it suits them. So, yep, I am planning to keep going it alone - I just hope this website does too, it's been really helpful so far. Can we start a thread for new coined words to describe annoying Agents, Tenants, etc? I'd find it very calming....x

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twattybollocks 22nd October, 2009 @ 15:27

Hey Sycorax - Of course estate agents never seem to listen - they have no brains to interperate the airwaves!!

You coined Twunt!

Can I coin Cunat!

A Cunat of letting agenty and a Twuntery of estate agents!


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James John 19th November, 2013 @ 18:04

You should try Franklyn James Estate Agents or Living in London EA's, absolutely vile and uncouth! A total disgrace.


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