My Best Friend’s Estate Agent Is A Blubbering Buffoon

Cheeky MonkeyDisclaimer: This blog post isn’t going to benefit anyone but myself. The only reason i’m writing it is so my best friend reads it and becomes fully aware of his disgusting act of betrayal.

Now, let me tell you a little something about my best friend- not because it’s relevant, but because I want to ridicule him for the strain he’s putting on our relationship by his insensitive life choices.

My friend has a receding hairline which he unsuccessfully tries to disguise with a shaven head (WE CAN STILL SEE IT, YOU HEAR ME?!?). He has a noticeable scar on his forehead, which was given birth to immediately after he got bottled around the head when he tried to defend a stripper from a group of people that descented from the travelling community. I’m not joking. He takes shelter under a sunbed several times a week, and he’s covered in cheesy tattoos. I think one of them says, “They can hate, as long as they fear” or something ridiculous like that. That particular tattoo is kind of ironic actually, because he’s short, slim, and extremely feminine looking. No one is going to fear him for shit.

So, try to imagine a tangerine-toned chap, covered in cheesy Take That lyrics, with a scarred head shaped like a dry-roasted peanut. That’s my friend.

He’s recently come into a bit of money and he’s looking to buy his first property. All good. Good for him, right? Wrong! Fuck him. Let me tell you for why…

Last week we were spending some quality time together in Nandos, where we started discussing how his property hunt was unfolding. He mentioned he had viewed a few properties and even put forward an offer on one of them. As the discussion progressed, I asked him which Estate Agency he was using. Turned out it’s an agency I’ve had dealings with in the past, so I asked him what the name of his agent was. Before he mentioned his name, he may as well have lowered himself onto his knobbly knees and given his agent a blowie right there and then because he couldn’t have praised the agent more. After his eyes eventually stopped rolling at the back of his head, he managed to mutter his name…[INSERT THE FOOL’S NAME]

I knew the guy, but not through business. In fact, he wasn’t even an Estate Agent when I knew him, he was a bum that sloshed around on a sofa all day playing computer games and eating kebabs, while his girlfriend funded his lifestyle. I used to be good friends with his girlfriend; we used to hangout frequently, which was something he didn’t like one bit. Although, he was always civil to me in the past, but it was clear that he was waiting for a reason, any old reason, to unleash his wrath on me. He just needed a slight nudge. Being the understanding and jovial character that I am, I totally appreciated and understood why he had that hostility towards me. It simply boiled down to basic maths. I had a flourishing career while he had nothing to do but get his game controller greasy with congealed kebab fat. I was less than half his size, while his body resembled a jacket potato, which must have been extra demoralising since he genuinely labelled himself as a professional dancer. It really was all about the math. He had reasons to hate me, besides from the fact that I frequently socialised with his guuuurl and drooled over her breasts.

One day his girlfriend (my good friend) was around my house because I was helping her out with some work. During one of our many breaks, she logged onto her Facebook to check the recent activity. While I was sat next to her, I took over the keyboard and changed her status to “[insert her name] is doing [insert my name].”

I don’t even know why I did it. It wasn’t particularly funny, I just did it, and we just laughed it off. Literally with in 10 seconds of updating her status, her phone started ringing. It was him. What happened next was pretty amazing. She picked up, and I could instantly hear him frantically screaming down the phone like someone had pried open his hands and snatched his kebab away; he was literally going into meltdown, asking her why that was her status. Her response was, “He was just messing around, it wasn’t anything serious” He then asked to talk to me, so she passed the phone over. Great.

I put him on loud speaker while he redirected his rage onto me. At the top of his voice (still frantically screaming), he kept enquiring why I updated her status and where I lived. He insisted I should meet him face-to-face like a man. I’m not sure what was going on in his head, but in a drastic turn of events, he then started informing me how well developed his penis is in comparison to mine (no, he had never seen my penis, from what I was aware). I think he thought we were tangled into a situation where we were trying to insult one another, but I actually didn’t say anything because I didn’t have a chance, but that actually made no difference because I was speechless. I had no idea what was going on, or why he had taken the conversation into this direction. One minute he was asking me why I updated her status, then he was telling me to meet him, and then he was providing me with graphic details about the shape of his penis. Did he hate me or want to make love to me?

Funny thing was (besides from the fact he was like 28, a grown man), he was shouting so much that he was exhausting himself; his speech started to slow down and his sentences were being broken down by continuous panting. But he didn’t care, he kept going, loudly. He had enough fury running through his veins to go on forever. I could physically hear his body shutting down as he was gasping for air, almost as if he was running out of battery. He stopped making sense 5mins after he started shouting, like his brain was slowly being cut from oxygen, which was very unfortunate because he isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed even at full capacity. He eventually reduced himself into panting and dribbles, and the occasional word, but he stuck to the inappropriately loud volume. Fair play to him. All I kept saying was, “Calm down, there’s no need to cry about this” Unsurprisingly, that just fuelled his rage. He must have shouted for about 10 minutes non-stop. Poor guy. Great perseverance though.

I have genuinely never heard anyone reach such high decibels for so long, for no real reason. At one point, I was almost concerned for his health. I think I ended up putting the phone down on him to put him out of his misery; there was no way he was going to stop. I’m pretty sure he would have keeled over and died of exhaustion if I hadn’t of ended it. You could say I saved a life. Hero.

It wasn’t surprising that my friend left a few moments after. I think she was more embarrassed than anything else.

In hindsight, my biggest regret: failing to record the damn thing.

After I told my best friend this story, he laughed and said… “Yeah, he’s still a top bloke”

I don’t expect my friend to stop using this madman as an estate agent, but I want him to be aware that he’s dealing with a psychotic parasite, and he’s betrayed me by utilizing this guy. More importantly, by me accepting this situation, I’ve earned myself a “get out of jail” card, which means I can, for example, sleep with his girlfriend without him showing any form of anger. Fair is fair.

Moral of the story? Everyone wears a suit to work (especially estate agents).

10 Join the Conversation...

Guest Avatar
Jackthelad 14th September, 2012 @ 08:44

Never mind that...... Did u ever sleep with the agents girlfriend?
If not, why not? And is he still with her?
Also (and let me pre-empt this comment by saying its just the sort
of situation I get myself in on a regular basis) you were at fault here
for antagonising him whilst he was clearly feeling insecure and
Insignificant whilst out of work.....
It's not your best friends fault that by coincidence he's using that agent
but perhaps you can sleep with both girlfriends at once to make it right.

The Landlord Avatar
The Landlord 14th September, 2012 @ 09:05

Yes, but way before they were ever together. I'm actually not sure if he knew that though, but it wasn't a secret.

They're not together anymore. She's dating some other chav that wears 9ct gold hooped earrings and has an army regulation haircut. He looks like a proper jar head.

Hmm I did antagnise him, agreed. However, his reaction was over the top and ridiculous. If I were him, I actually wouldn't have cared.

Oh, it's absolutely not my friend's fault that by coincidence his agent is that guy. But now he knows, he should do the honourable thing and take his business and commission to some other agent :)

I'm clearly the victim here!

Guest Avatar
Jackthelad 14th September, 2012 @ 09:18

Ok so not only did you antagonise the agent but you did it
whilst you were spending time with his girlfriend whom you had previously slept
with and for all he knew, were still trying to (in fact you probably were).
He did know you had slept with her previously which is why he mentioned the
size of his penis because his girlfriend had obviously downplayed your
manhood in order to justify keeping you as a friend!
Women do that sort of crazy shit and we fall for it.....

Guest Avatar
pete 15th September, 2012 @ 08:58

You - not just him
and on the basis that you plainly don't think he can change you must presumably still be a completely knob.

The Landlord Avatar
The Landlord 15th September, 2012 @ 09:26

Firstly, it really wasn't that long ago. No one recovers from psychological episodes like that so quickly and without professional help. Best case scenario, he's temporarily suppressed his anger, like The Hulk. He'll snap again.

Secondly, my last memory of him was so negative that he'll always be a knob to me until I see differently. Pretty normal if you ask me.

Thirdly, you contradict your own damn point. You still refer to him as a knob, even though you're telling me he could have changed. If you can't even support your own point, don't expect anyone else to.


Guest Avatar
Eric 15th September, 2012 @ 13:22

hahaha great stuff. Sounds like his insecurities nearly killed him :)

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Cab4iste 22nd March, 2013 @ 12:42

I've just recently come across this website and I have to say it's just brilliant, i love how your mind works and how it seems to draw the humourless in that to leave silly insulting comments. like a dull moth to a flame! :D

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lisa 19th July, 2016 @ 10:11

I had to move because I had a threatening and intimidating landlord. I was a good tenant to him but he some how took a dislike to me. My gas boiler broke I was left without hot water for over 6 months. I told my landlord several times about the problems all I got was threats down the phone he even came to my flat I was living in and threatened me in front of my neighbours and people walking past the street. I had my living room ceiling crave in massive hole in the ceiling. I had water pouring into my electrics sockets from a upstairs flat. Damp and mould every where. He was never once civil to me. It caused me so much distress and anxiety that I had to leave without giving him any notice. I was just sick and tired with all the threats and intimidation. I had to move to a different location ive now got a much more better landlord who is professional and reasonable with his tenants. Ive had no problems with my new private landlord. There is good and bad landlords and good and bad tenants but no one should ever be threatened and intimidated by anyone. No one should ever feel scared to live in their rented accommodation.

Guest Avatar
douchebag 24th August, 2017 @ 23:20

What are you doing flirting with other people's girlfriends and updating Facebook status to f-ing someone else's gf?

Maybe you're a douchebag yourself?

The Landlord Avatar
The Landlord 25th August, 2017 @ 09:22

Ha, Jesus, I forgot about this blog post. I dare not read it again, but I vaguely remember the details.

Good times.

















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