While I’m feeling weak and vulnerable, I figured I may as well share, like a circled pride of wallowing hippies, singing their emotions with a tamberine and good spirit. Apparently tears and emotion make the recipe of a profound piece. Unfortunately, I don’t have a tamberine, but I have plenty of emotion to squirt over this page. Enjoy.
Earlier today I was contemplating the idea of acquiring another BTL, but then I was rudely awoken by the part of me that repels responsibility. It was one of those misplaced thoughts that had no business being there; derailing me from potentially expanding my minuscule portfolio (which should ordinarily be a positive thing). I felt like I had thought about my mum during intercourse. (GET OUT OF MY HEAD)!
I’m probably going through a phase which I’ll shake off after the next time I have sex, but right now, the thought of taking on another buy-to-let makes me want to vomit over your face. Your face, not mine; no point ruining art over a hissy-fit. Anyways, I want to explain…
You see, it’s the responsibility; a lot of it comes attached with a buy-to-let property. It’s one of those things that you’ll never fully appreciate unless you’re a landlord. Most people that have had zero experience being a landlord believe that it’s either a) a stroll in the park b) immoral, and abusive to those less fortunate (or some similar bullshit argument to that degree). Let me assure you, it’s neither of those things. Bear in mind, this is coming from someone that believes prostitution is moral; just immorally overpriced.
I know, how crass, I’m sitting here snarling at the concept of buying a property because the responsibility is too much, while there are real problems in the world, like the size of Christino Ronaldo’s Adam’s apple. Shouldn’t forget the children either, because it’s always about the starving children. Alas, I can’t worry about all the problems in the world at once. One problem at a time.
I’m just going to say it. The idea of having to deal with another petulant/irresponsible tenant fills me with fear and makes me want to cry, so my plans for expansion is currently on halt. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from being a landlord, it’s that “good tenants” are as rare as uncovering a completely odourless… vagina.
I’ve written blog-post-after-blog-post on how to find good tenants. Sure, the articles are awesome and incomparable, and I should be nominated for several of those bullshit blogging awards that get dished around these days, but ultimately, all those articles will do is help reduce risks- there’s no formula that can be applied to completely filter out deadbeat tenants.
In fact, it’s not just about finding “good tenants”, in the sense that they pay their rent on time and look after the property- that’s only half the battle. The real challenge is finding a tenant that won’t bother you all day long over every little fucking thing, like a loose door handle that they’re either too lazy or incompetent to tighten. Now they’re the fuckers that will make you want to blow your brains out.
I remember last year when I was kicking back in Vegas, in the midst of drooling over my 6 pack while oogling at the poolside ladies, when I was interrupted by a phone call from my tenant. I can’t remember what he wanted, but I recall something had broken, besides from my erection. It was inconvenient to say the least. It’s those little moments that make you think, “is it worth it?”
Being a landlord is more fun if you have a massive portfolio and a cashflow that will allow for others to do the monkey work. Otherwise, if you’re a small time landlord with a pitiful portfolio, like myself, the task is mostly menial and inconvenient, and you’re reduced down to nothing more than a glorified babysitter. Cleaning up after tenants, and continually having to ensure they behave the way they’re contracted to behave (which they mostly don’t) is all part of the job. That’s a sad fact of reality.
So, i’m sat here thinking, “do I want the responsibility of another child, that may or not amount to something?” That’s the question EVERY small time landlord and prospective landlord should ask themselves before buying property.
The prospect of increasing my exposure to rent arrears, criminal damage, human excrement smeared on walls (yeah, I’ve dealt with that) are just a few of the obstacles in my way. Each time a new tenant/BTL is acquired, the greater the risk becomes, and that should be enough to make anyone think twice (at least momentarily). This blog is full of comments from landlords that wish they’d never become a landlord because of their misjudgement (i.e. they assumed being a landlord was an easy way of getting someone else to pay off their mortgage).
Think about it. That’s all I’m saying. You’re not just gaining equity in a property when you become a landlord, you’re effectively buying a child with it.
Right, anyways, I’m off to look on Rightmove (yes, I was having sex while writing this blog post).
Peace, lovers x