I’m Probably Going To Have To Evict My Tenants

Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!

The grunts pretty much sums up the nature of this blog post.

My emotions are volatile right now, so I apologise in advance if I lapse into a paroxysmal fit and say inappropriate shit that no one should ever have to endure.

I was contemplating scraping this blog post entirely in favour of compiling a list, “101 ways to painfully kill my tenants with objects smeared in Gonorrhea- which should I choose?” But then I figured, this world is filled with too many people with an inconceivable level of idiocy, just like my tenants. It only takes someone equipped with a microscopic cranium and zero sense of humour to take it too seriously and report me to the Police, like I compiled a list of regimented methods of how to get recruited by al-Qaeda.

Yeah, so unfortunately, I changed my mind, so I can’t tell you how to strategically kill your tenant with a condom and a pot of Vaseline. Instead, I’m just going to tell you about how I’m probably going to have to evict my tenants because they’re a pair of massive assholes. Either way, I’m sure most of you will get a kick out of it. The last time I let my emotions freestyle onto a blog post, I wasn’t warmed with sympathy, love or huggies, I just got a lot of people telling me I should never refrain from being a hormonal teenager because that’s when I’m at my best.

So, this is a continuation from a post I wrote a few weeks ago, where I was in the process of serving my crazy tenants with a Section 21 notice because they’re delusional fuckwits. I served the notice a few weeks ago, but to no real effect. I guess the writing was on the wall and I shouldn’t be surprised by their reaction, because, ya’ know, my tenants are a pair of numpties.

Sidenote, I may overkill on the pety name-calling. Unfortunately, I can’t help it. That’s what they have reduced me to, but bear with me, I’ll try to grow up before this is post is over.

Quick recap: I served them notice because:

• 1) they’re ALWAYS late paying rent
• 2) they physically make me want to chop off my penis, cut it in half, throw each piece down their throats and hope they die from an undiagnosed S.T.D I contracted off a Thai stripper
• 3) they don’t even have the decency to inform me they’re going to be late with rent
• 4) they’re too stupid to recognise they’re actually in the wrong
• 5) they very rarely reply to my text messages or pickup the phone when I call them

(The original, full length version, available here, My crazy tenants)

Before I served them with a Section 21 notice, they were 2 weeks in arrears, and they hadn’t replied to any of my attempts of a peaceful resolution. I sent them multiple text messages and tried calling them a few times to find out when they could clear the outstanding balance. I was even willing to arrange a rental payment plan if that would make life easier for them, but I didn’t hear a peep out of them.

5 days after I served them notice, surprise, surprise… the Chuckle brothers get in touch. I receive a lengthy text message telling me I’m being unfair for serving the notice. Amazing how they suddenly regained their ability to communicate after being mute for 2 weeks. They must have lost their phone.

And that’s exactly the excuse they gave me. No kidding. That’s the kind of people I’m dealing with here. They genuinely must think I was born on the same day as them. Yesterday.

I responded to their text by calmly and concisely explaining why I served notice, and then enquired when they would be able to pay rent.

That was almost 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from them since. So in the space of a month of regular attempts of communication, they contacted me once to inform me I’m being unfair. I don’t think it even entered their little dry-roasted peanut heads that we could have peacefully resolved the situation if they had only bothered to reply to my outreaches, instead of burying their stupid heads in the sand. So now it’s probably going to get ugly(er).

Asshole tenants are almost 2 months in Rent Arrears

So as it stands, they have yet to pay last month’s rent, and they’ll be 2 months in arrears in 2 days time. They’ve NEVER fallen in arrears by this much; they’ve ALWAYS paid by this point, but I’m not so sure that will happen this time. I actually believe they have been made aware of their legal rights (i.e. they can fall 2 months in arrears before I can take any legal action), hence why they haven’t paid yet, and hence why I believe they have been enlightened. A stupid person with knowledge is like a loaded gun. Actually, it’s worse, because “people kill people”, guns don’t.

It’s actually a disgrace that tenants in arrears are advised by institutes like the LHA (Local Housing Allowance) and Citizen’s Advice to remain in the property until the landlord has the legal right to evict them. It happens every day.

I’m in two minds right now. A part of me wants them to pay before they fall 2 months into arrears, for obvious reasons. But another part of me, the one that thrives off justice and the disintegration of dip-shits, wants them to default so I can have the pleasure of watching them get eaten up by the legal system. Please, do NOT let me down, Mr Cameron!

Unfortunately, it maybe a lengthy process until justice is served. I have a sneaky suspicion that these parasites won’t leave without a fight. While most tenants vacate after receiving a Section 8 notice, I believe my tenants are too stupid to leave so easily.

As I said in my previous blog post, this isn’t about the money or taking a roof away from decent people. If someone was genuinely struggling and was trying their best to resolve the situation by communicating with me, I wouldn’t mind so much. I certainly wouldn’t want them to suffer. Being in financial difficulties is HORRIBLE, and I can sympathise. If you’re in that unfortunate situation, deal with it with some grace, otherwise you belong on the streets, fighting over a piss-head’s abandoned kebab with a rat covered in a tramp’s urine, carrying Leptospirosis.

Hopefully they’ll get evicted before Christmas. That will teach them. Merry fucking Christmas.

So, anyways, I want to use a professional eviction service that have some gigantic hairy balls and razor sharpe teeth- do any of you folks read this rubble? If so, help a brother out, innit! x