A few weeks ago I received an email from a chap that kindly forwarded me an email that his friend received from her disgruntled (and most likely psychotic) landlord, in an attempt to get order in his HMO rental property, specifically the cleaning regime.
I was meaning to throw it up on my blog sooner, but procrastination is a bitch, and as glamorous as strapping myself down to my cheap faux leather office chair is, I often find myself being easily distracted from the people I love the most… you guys.
Right, so the email.
I should warn you, if you haven’t noticed by now, the email is a far cry from a post-it note. In fact, the sheer length is one of the aspects which make it psychotic, so I recommend you only continue if you’re fully hydrated and comfortable.
During the read, you’ll frequently get lost in confusion and disbelief, but you ain’t no wuss, so you’ll pick yourself up and plough through like a soldier.
I had to read the email a few times before fully comprehending the situation. I especially struggled with the first paragraph because there were references to things/people I had no knowledge of, but the situation soon unfolds and becomes clear, as does the realisation that a bonefide nutjob is at work.
The Landlord’s email to his messy tenants
In the famous words of the Who’s Roger Daltry I ask “Who are you?”
Could you be Nigela Lawson the domestic goddess of 685 who cleans properly and on time. Or Cindy Monet? Cindy cleans on time but like her non de plume she has become legendary in 685 for her stylish brush strokes. You see, whenever our Cindy cleans every swipe she makes is visible? And last and in more ways least Miss H who when she can be asked cleans properly but rarely?
For Nigela, you are without blame, for Cindy it is a gentle prod, but for Miss H it is your final warning. 3 days from me posting up the cleaning duties you have. 3 days to find 1 to 1 and half hours to clean properly. That includes all the surfaces in your designated area including light switches and doors. I threatened in the past to inspect but never really did. BUT FROM HERE ONWARDS I WILL BE.. MARK MY WORDS. Should I ask you to do it again, let not a dog move his tongue in protest.
Special shout out to Miss H. Miss H, if you fail to do your clean within the 3 days, mark my words the next month will be the last you spend in my house. Try me at your peril. To Cindy, I say, just because you wipe something doesn’t make it clean especially when you wipe it and your wipe is visible. I try to lead by example when I clean I make sure I use the right product so no smears remain. If you don’t know what to use please ask.
A general note to everyone. You make a cup of tea or a hot drink don’t leave behind the ring that the cup makes on the work surface. Clean the mess you made. Similarly you drop something on the floor pick it up. You cook on the cooker, wipe it down when your finished. You wash in the sink empty the strain. None of you came into my house followed by a retinue of maids and butlers, and there ain’t no mummy or daddy to pick up after you. IN THIS HOUSE YOU PICKUP AND CLEAN UP AFTER YOU.
You have one day to wash up your dirty plates left by the kitchen sink. Anything left longer than a day and I will start taking names and kicking ass. I could not care less if you pile them up in your room till they touch the ceiling, but eventually with the warm whether coming you will be flicking flies of your face like the current starving poster child of a UNICEF campaign. The population of flies increases with the weather warming,so. Its important that you clean up you mess and wash up your dishes and cutlery in timely fashion for hygiene sake.
To the individual who has suddenly become a not so secret hoarder, leaving there recycling by the bin for weeks on end. Best Stop now. I removed the last two piles seeing that you were too god damn lazy to do it yourself. The next time you do that I will be calling time on your stay here. Why because you go in and out of the front door every day. It takes 3 secs to put the recycling in the appropriate box. No one and I mean no one is allowed to store any of their recycling inside whether it be by the bin or by the door. Recycling goes straight outside. Furthermore Please ensure you put you recycling in the right box because I don’t have the time to correct your laziness.
Fair Use or Abuse of Lights and Machines.
What is fair use of lights and what is abuse. I find it quite galling that one of the main abusers recounted a story to me about the time she came home and found the heating on full blast and her flatmate in shorts and a vest, and how exorbitantly high the fuel bill was. I find it very interesting that you cannot draw similar parallels to turning lights off when your not in the room, because I come home most evenings and your bedroom lights are ablaze while your downstairs for a good few hours preparing and then consuming your dinner in the kitchen. I smell a tinge of hypocrisy. Newtons Conservation of Energy applies not only in science but to most households in England.
Fair use – you take the same pinky you use to turn on the light when you enter a room, to turn off the light when you exit. If you don’t rectify this I have already prepped George to come in and install one pendant light in each room and a timer switches which will automatically turn off the lights every 5 minutes. The choice is yours ladies.
One individual believes its okay to turn the extractor on and then go to bed. Is this an example of fair use or a prime example of abuse.
Another believes its okay to turn on the washing machine or dishwasher before going to bed. This is so abusive on two accounts White goods use up to a 3rd of their maximum power in standby and leaving machines on reduces the longevity of the machine. Secondly, I have been disturbed on more than one occasion by the sound of the dishwasher, dryer and washing machine beeping, signalling the end of a wash or warning the water needs emptying. You can imagine how pissed off I must feel knowing the person responsible is away with the Sand man. Knowing what you know now the next time I am disturbed by late night beeping I will be getting everyone up to curse out that individual . Mark my words.
Ladies, continue to abuse the machines, and when these machines go I wont be in a rush to repair them and you will be dragging your dirty laundry to the nearest laundrette. My family home is five minutes from here so it wont affect me in the slightest.
The Kitchen Table
Despite providing a sufficient number of table mats, the kitchen table is now marked by numerous rings from the bright sparks inside the house placing hot cups and plates directly on to it.I have neither the time nor the inclination to play Poirot up in here, so the good have to suffer for the bad. The table was £100 and I’m deducting the cost of the replacement across each and everyone of you.
Furthermore. One of the first things I learned in infant school was to put my chair back underneath the desk before leaving the classroom. But if I was given a pound for every time I returned a chair back under the kitchen table in this house I could put a significant dent in the national debt. So when you decide to drag your cabose of the chair do me a favour and slide it back where you took it from. Thankyou.
The Kitchen door
Please ensure the door leading into the kitchen is shut at all times especially at night and when leaving the property. Why.? Because a burglar standing in the back garden can see through the entire house. Secondly, health and safety. Doors act as fire traps giving you and the fire service precious time.
Respect for All faiths
We have a devout Muslim living with us and an Israelite. Both of whom are quite tolerant when it comes to certain parts of their faith’s strict rules. Two of these rules have been an issue. The first is alcohol. Our dear Muslim cannot touch or consume any swine or alcohol and has to go through a purification process when this occurs. Similarly the Israelite can consume alcohol but can nether touch nor consume pork, lobster and shrimp amongst other things This is why we have separate fridges. So in the interest of compromise I ask you not to leave your alcohol on open display in communal areas (kitchen window cill for example) place it in your designated fridge. Or in your bedroom.
When cooking pork based products ensure the kitchen door remains closed, use extraction, until smell dissipates. That does not mean put extractor on and go to work leaving it running all day. After cooking, clean down thoroughly the cooker removing traces of all said swine based product. I will also go as far as to offer our pork lovers a reduction in their rent to contribute to not cooking pork inside my house. There are several excellent greasy spoons near here I can recommend. But that choice is yours and I offer it to strike a compromise between your right to eat pork and mine and our devout muslims right to abstain.
I like offending people with the truth and absolutely abhor political correctness. Why do I like causing offense, because a persons response to the truth is a measure of that persons character (if they have any) If you don’t love the truth and are offended by it, what does that make you. Does it not make you a liar and a lover of lies. If anything I have said is not of the truth then I apologize. But if nothing I have said is of a lie then don’t come to me with an excuse, reason or an apology. Just fix it.
Freaking insane, right? What an uppity doucehbag.
I thought the email in itself was quite amusing; I’d probably write something similar as a comical/hypothetical show-piece for my blog while I’m blitzed off my tits. The hypothetical situation being that I’m dealing with tenants that reek of rotting arseholes, and I’m a clinically insane landlord that digests his own feces. I can’t think of any other scenario where I’d actually concern myself with my tenants failing to slide their chairs under the table and leaving behind visible wipe marks.
Absurdly, the letter was actually delivered and received by the tenants’ from the live-in landlord, intended for practical reasons.
While it’s not the greatest of motivational speeches, it’s definitely one of the most ludicrous. I’d be prepared to eat my own steaming shit if that’s encouraged anyone to be cleaner before wanting to drown the condescending buffoon into a bucket of congealed donkey urine.
As I’m sure you all did, I found the last paragraph particularly excruciating, where he discusses his passion for offending people with political correctness.
Jesus Christ, please spare me!
Ironically, I fail to see how sending that smug, condescending, unprofessional and threatening email to tenants is politically correct. From what I gathered, his tenants don’t seem like bad tenants per’se, he just seems like an unreasonable individual suffering from an Alpha Male complex, among several other very serious mental conditions.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he strategically picked naive, vulnerable female tenants, just so he could assert his masculinity. In any case, it seems like he suffers from a disorder making him socially inept, probably due to extremely limited hands-on experience with real people in the real world.
You just don’t talk to people like that; maybe your spouse, but definitely no one in a professional environment. I can’t even fathom how he had the balls to face his tenants after distribution.
Sadly, I’m sure the landlord is thrilled to pieces with his haaalarious letter; no doubt he high-fived himself and pat himself on the ass. However, what the smug cheese-dick probably fails to realise is that if he actually did kick someone out because, heaven forbid, they left behind residue of a cleaning solution on his precious surfaces, his actions could potentially land him into hot water.
First and foremost, he’ll get ordered to take a Neuropsychological assessment to determine which specific impairment(s) he is suffering from, and depending on whether or not he pleads insanity on the basis of his results (which will probably be his best escape), he may then be ordered to pay compensation for being such a douche. It’s a lose/lose situation for the funny-man either way.
I don’t necessarily think the landlord’s underlying goal is unreasonable, because he’s essentially trying to create a clean and respectful environment for everyone. I actually thought it was pretty cool how he was so aware and respectful of his tenants’ various religions/faiths. However, his heavy-handed method is alarming, and it’s more about one man asserting his authority, as opposed to creating a Mecca for his tenants.
Needless to say, I wouldn’t recommend anyone adapting this insane method of communicating with their tenants because it will do more harm than good.
If you have any problems with your tenants, especially if you’re a live-in landlord, try talking to them like adults, and put the know-it-all humour aside. I guarantee the results will be a lot more fruitful… and safer.
What are your thoughts on the situation/email?
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Disclaimer: I'm just a landlord blogger; I'm 100% not qualified to give legal or financial advice. I'm a doofus. Any information I share is my unqualified opinion, and should never be construed as professional legal or financial advice. You should definitely get advice from a qualified professional for any legal or financial matters. For more information, please read my full disclaimer.