I’m Evicting My Crazy Tenants To Improve My Life

Here’s a pathetic little fact for you: being a landlord has zero day-to-day perks. Or ar least, I literally cannot think of a single one!

So we, as landlords, have to do what we can to make it bearable, even if only by a little, and so be it, if that entails serving notice for repossession to a tenant that does more harm than good.

Life is definitely too short. Not short enough to refrain from spending hours upon hours moaning about life on a highly underachieving blog, but certainly too short to endure the droning dribbles of a tenant that irritates the fuck out of you.

I quickly learned an important lesson when I first became a landlord, and it’s a lesson that completely transformed the way I operate as a landlord today. I learned that some tenants have the ability to climb into our woes during out of office hours (where they have no business being), and drag us down with worries and frustrations.

If those feelings continue for long, there’s only one honourable approach to take, to get rid.

Don’t ride out the storm, don’t hope things will improve, just bite the bullet and take pro-active steps to positively improve YOUR life. You’ll feel so much better for it.

I receive emails from distressed tenants/landlords pouring their hearts out to me all the time (I have no idea why, I’m not exactly agony aunt material), and 9 times out of 10 I have very little sympathy because they have done absolutely nothing to help themselves. Emailing me doesn’t count; that’s not useful or positive, that’s just wasting everyone’s time.

Let me dive into my archives and dig out an example. I’ll be right back.

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Ok, I’m back. Here’s an example;

When tenants/landlords don’t help themselves

I received an email a few months ago from an overly exhausted guy who has been, I quote, “living in hell” for 2 years with his children because his landlord has failed to keep the property in working order, and as a consequence, his mental health has deteriorated.

What? You tolerated that for 2 years, and now you’ve suddenly decided to email a landlord blogger that would rather dedicate his time procrastinating on adultfriendfinder.com than donating time to worthy causes? Surely that constitutes as self-harm.

In the past, I’ve had tenants that physically made my internal organs want to implode. I’m talking real stressful and medieval implosion here; penis inverting and shooting up into my skull- and that kind of thang. Not necessarily because they fell into arrears, but mainly because of their God awful demeanour.

I can deal with arrears to a certain degree, but I refuse to deal with rude people that are too lazy/stupid to show some common courtesy and resolve problems the right way.

Why I’m evicting my crazy tenants to improve my life

After a frustrating 6 months, I’ve decided to serve my tenants, a family of three, with a section 21 notice. I know I’ll feel infinitely better once they crawl out of my life, because I won’t have to deal with their petulant shit anymore. They’re not in arrears, money isn’t the issue, but they come with other pathological demons that has reduced me into the lifeless, frail creature, which you see before your very eyes. It’s pathetic, isn’t it?

well, if they’re not in arrears, why serve them? At least they’re paying rent

It’s not just about the money. It’s about having a business relationship with people that I can physically tolerate, without being drowned by wet-dreams that consist of chopping their heads off with a butter knife and digesting their mushy brains like beef stew. It’s about dealing with positive people that respect and understand common courtesy. Most importantly, if I can help it, I don’t want to deal with people that cast a gloomy cloud over my life. Life is too short.

So, why am I serving notice? Simply;

  • Regularly late on paying rent
    They’ve been tenants for 6 months and they have yet to pay rent on time.

    Not only have they chalked up an impressive rate, averaging of being 2-3 weeks late, but they have also become accustom to paying in drips and drabs e.g. they’ll pay £100 one week, and £50 the following. Their payment pattern is inconsistent and volatile like a reused condom.

  • Failing to meet payment terms and conditions
    When they initially signed the Tenancy Agreement they agreed to setup a direct debit. It was written in black and white, clear as day. It was even a requirement on the advert they responded to.

    It never happened.

    They alternatively opted for the agonisingly slow method of physically going to the bank to deposit cash over the counter… in dribs and drabs. Now one of their favourite excuses for late payments is, wait for it, it’s a bloody classic… “I didn’t have a chance to pop to the bank” Brilliant.

    Someone pass me a glock.

  • Pathological liars
    I’m pretty sure they can be clinically diagnosed as pathological liars, not to mention other things, like idiots, parasites and under evolved chimps. But I digress. We’d be here all day if I got carried away with that game. But here’s a few more of the road; inconsiderate dumbarses, shit-for-brains, and deceiving sacks of shit.

    Whenever I enquire about any arrears, they always insist they’re going to pay on said day, but it genuinely NEVER happens. That’s probably one of my biggest pet peeves! They can never manage my expectations because they always feed me bullshit.

    What they fail to understand (because they’re idiots) is that I’ll be a lot more understanding and accepting if they gave me realistic dates that they can honour, even if that means having to wait a little longer. It’s the blatant bullshit that makes the situation worse, 10-fold.

  • Communicating is hell
    Talking to them is hard work, it’s probably one of the most undesirable things to do on this planet (and believe me, i’ve done a lot of nasty shit).

    I’ve tried to keep my phone-time with these fools to a minimum because talking to them is excruciating. I remember the last time they were a month in arrears, his excuse was, “everything costs money, I have so much to pay out for. Nothing is for free in life, nothing”… that was his point. Right, ok? Thanks for nothing, besides from the worst justification for anything, EVER. Jack-arse!

    Even up until this day, I still have no idea what he was really trying to tell me. If you’re good at cryptic puzzles and fancy the challenge, send me your answers on a postcard!

  • Lack of courtesy
    They don’t even bother informing me they’re going to be late on paying rent. Even the lowest of low scum-bag tenants shell out on basic incoherent text messages. Sure, they may say something like, “You ain’t getting rent this month. I know my rights” – but at least they have the courtesy to inform a brother.

    My tenants don’t even do that; they didn’t even do it out of courtesy the few first months they were late. Straight off the bat, no hesitation or embarrassment whatsoever, they created a cute little game, which requires me to check my bank balance to discover rent has yet to be paid, at which point I start to chase. The worrying thing is, I’m pretty sure that if I don’t chase them, they won’t bother paying at all.

    Having to actively chase the same tenants for rent every damn month is probably one of the most frustrating aspects of being a landlord.

  • They live in a dream world
    They have a serious misconception of reality! It would be comical if I wasn’t at the mercy of their dream world, but I am, so unfortunately it’s not funny at all!

    They get shitty with me like I’m doing something wrong when I chase arrears. All their correspondents have a real sharp edge about them. And sarcasm. The pompous-arse pricks love being sarcastic. It’s not good/funny sarcasm either, it’s real premature crap that a 14yr old may find vaguely funny.

    Why do tenants get shitty with landlords when they chase arrears? I’ve never understood that. In my opinion, it says a lot about a tenant’s character when they react like that.

  • Poor/rude communication skills
    They have a pathetic response rate. I often have to text them twice in the space of 4 days just for them to respond. Why should it take 4 days and 2 text messages to get a response? You’d think it’s because they’re avoiding rent, right? Wrong. They even delay when it’s going to benefit them.

    I tried to arrange a Gas Safety Inspection with them a few weeks ago; getting them to confirm a suitable day/time was heartbreaking. I wanted to cry. It’s almost like they didn’t value their lives.

  • Solvable problems they refuse to solve
    After continuous delays, lies and futile attempts of misdirection, they always end up paying- that much is consistent. So it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that if they managed their cash-flow (even if it meant struggling for a month or so), they could resolve all these problems. But they don’t.

    I’m not sure whether they a) feel like they shouldn’t have to struggle, so don’t b) don’t think it’s worth struggling for the sake of paying rent on time c) completely oblivious to the situation (I wouldn’t put it past the idiots) d) love winding me up (I wouldn’t put this one past the idiots either)!

    It’s unbelievably frustrating.

    I’ve always been raised to pay my debts first, and then live off the leftovers. If you live with in your means, this generally shouldn’t be a problem.

  • They’re landlords…
    Here’s the final blow. They “rent-to-let”

    The twisted, sick fucks’ are also landlords. I’m not joking. It’s genuinely like they’re trying to mess with my mind. There’s definitely some hints of Hannibal Lecter’ism in their behaviour. Speaking of similarities, has anyone seen the movie Pacific Heights, starring Michael Keaton and Melanie Griffith? If so, you’ll know what I’m saying. Psycho tenants.

I could probably add a few more trivial points, but I don’t think I need to…

I just want to clarify again, it’s not about the money. They always end up paying; it’s about their whole demeanour and how they approach/handle the situation. I don’t want to have to deal with people like that. If I allow people like that to walk around in my life, then I’m to blame for my own misery.

I’ve had enough. They’re out.

My only advise to everyone, whether you’re a tenant, landlord, or whatever… always pro-actively better your life. We can all do that, albeit with small or big changes. We’re in control.

Incidentally, some random woman I follow on Twitter just Tweeted this horrifically cliché, soppy mess:

Happiness

Probably slightly more elegant than anything I could ever conjure up, but she summed up my point.

Good night! x

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18 Comments- join the conversation...

Guest Avatar
Jen 18th October, 2012 @ 16:08

Wow, they do sound like lowlifes. The last item (that they rent to let) was the kicker for me.

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Cardifflandlord 18th October, 2012 @ 18:03

Feel better now you have vented pal?

Nice to see the bitching and whinging is back - almost time for you to head off to Vegas again isn't it? For a while you were far too nice lol!

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The Landlord Avatar
The Landlord 18th October, 2012 @ 18:12

@jen
Yeah, they're just unbelievably frustrating people! Just annoys me that people think it's acceptable to behave like that.

@Cardifflandlord
It's always therapeutic to vent, innit?

The bitching and whinging always has its time and place. But some times I try to be helpful, unfortunately.

I was only in Vegas a few months ago, August/September. But you're right, last week I booked to go back in December ha. You got any plans to return this year?

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Benji 18th October, 2012 @ 23:30

Nice one! Good to see you back on form.
Maybe youre like one of those artists who needs some pain before they can produce.

Whats the betting you screw up the section 21 (if you DIY and dont bottle it by using a solicitor). Wrong dates, no P.I, incorrect service,weekly/monthly etc etc.

We could be in for a run of good blogs. Especially if they make you go for a possession order and bailiffs. Or get the council involved.

Not that I wish you any pain but we might as well all have a good laugh about it.

Cheers!

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barbara chabeaux 19th October, 2012 @ 07:45

If this was Facebook, I'd "Like" Benji's comment above.. ;-)

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The Landlord Avatar
The Landlord 19th October, 2012 @ 08:03

Thanks for being cute you two x

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Mike 19th October, 2012 @ 08:34

Nice to see you back on form. Your rants are like a ray of sunshine to us other hapless landlords and helps us realise we are not alone in our plight.
One of mine has just left the fold. I took his furniture to the local tip on the top of my old Volvo and behind it in the trailer. Cost him a lot of money to move his furniture. The £10 option with the council would have been a winner for him. Thankfully he is now history and aggrevating someone else.

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Katie 20th October, 2012 @ 12:48

I do love your rants, mainly because you say what everyone else is thinking but could never admit to! We're agents - boo hiss, I know - so I dont think my ranting would go down too well with our customers, but we can identify with most of your blog entries at one point or another! Keep up the entertainment and enjoy serving your Section 21 - I hope they go quietly! Nothing like a good Section 21 to make you feel better about fuckwit tenants ;D

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Caring Landlord 22nd October, 2012 @ 07:00

If this was Facebook I'd "Like" , Mike's comment above.

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andrewa 22nd October, 2012 @ 19:24

Here in South Africa we have an institution known as TPN or "tenant profile network" nickname "the landlords trade union"(one does however have to pay dues of a small monthly membership). These nice chaps maintain a computerized list of people who damage property, pay late, pay partially or pay not at all. When one is screening potential tenants I (and all other pro's)turn down anyone listed on TPN immediately. Tenants of this ilk then have no option but to either desist from these practices or cease renting from pro landlords who are union members but must rather rent from a landlord who employs Nigga, George and Philemon to do the rent collection (usually with the asssistance of cricket bats and firearms) Perhaps there is a business opportunity for one of your readers if this service is not yet available in the UK? (you cannot get rental insurance for a tenant who is listed on TPN)

While I cannot pass you a Glock I CAN sell you a CZ model 83 in 9mm Browning 15 years old, one carefull gentleman owner, only about fired about 5000 rounds of +P or lend you a cal.75 Howdah pistol with a kilogram of my best homemade gunpowder (your problem getting them home to Britain ;D)

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ruphilyn 23rd October, 2012 @ 06:30

well you just did the right thing...

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Armin 29th October, 2012 @ 12:30

And there are people who want to get rid of section 21 ...

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Benji 1st November, 2012 @ 13:49

Hopefully youve calmed down a bit by now and are in a state of mind for some (slightly patronising) constructive critisism.

You do realise youve brought this on yourself?

Assuming you did proper referencing checks in the first place. The day after the first failed rent payment you should have been straight on the phone, possibly followed up by a polite visit. None of this 2 texts in 4 days crap once youd eventually got around to checking your account.

If you had closely monitored your bank account, insisted on the direct debit and served a s21 at the first lie, they wouldn't have thought they could take the piss and use you as a free overdraft facility.

Apologies for stating the bleeding obvious, I expect youve worked this out by now!

How about an update?

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Adam 7th November, 2012 @ 12:24

Very funny read!

I love the justification for non payment your average single cell ameoba masquerading as a tenant can make.

We've recently had a couple bail after only 3 months of a 12 months fixed term only to stop paying rent immediately after abandoning despite the agreement still being in place and us continually stating the agreement still stands until the point a suitable replacement is found.

The wife's justification to us for non payment was "How are we supposed to afford two lots of rent?!".

Genuinely. There are people like this breathing oxygen.

We're going to have to pursue the remaining rent via court procedures I think. Very frustrating.

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wetdog 7th January, 2013 @ 08:59

had a problem with a tennant , i let to one lady and daughter , then she moved in 5 ladys and sub let each room ? After 6 months (and always late with rent or short) i asked if i could re decorate the property and they all went away for a weeks holiday , unfortunatly the house was emptyed of all there things and the bathroom removed (i informed the police and got a crime number) , all 5 thick as shit , the council contacted me asking when the ladys could move back in as they are homeless , i said never and please take me to court if you want to know why , no action was ever taken , i was lucky

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naomi 10th December, 2013 @ 16:03

Thank you for making me laugh today. Have had two lots of tenants who have both acted in exactly the same way - so pleased it is nt just me who has to put up with this rubbish!! I hate the fact that we are the ones apparently in the wrong - they should never have moved in if there was going to be an issue with keeping up with the rent!!

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Alex 4th June, 2014 @ 19:14

Sorry to be horribly pedantic, but I think you mean "standing order" not "direct debit" in this article (they are different things, and it's very unlikely that you're set up to take rent by direct debit).

Otherwise, I love your article! I have some troublesome tenants at the moment and reading this makes me feel so much better.

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MrsGrumpy 23rd October, 2014 @ 17:06

I love the blog too...visual valium for me as I try to stay sane whilst dealing with my ANNOYING donkey-felching spactard of a tenant. Seriously, this blog is the only thing that makes me properly laugh these days. GRR,

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