The other day I assisted a fellow landlord (who is also my personal friend) take viewings for his vacant rental property. He had 3 viewings lined up for Sunday afternoon. I didn’t really have any business being there, but I was curious to how he conducted himself during a viewing, so I went along for the ride. I didn’t have anything better to do anyways.
I didn’t actually say much during the viewings, I mostly stood around looking fabulous.
The last and final prospective tenant happened to be a young attractive female. She was the kind of girl I’d probably follow around in a club from a distance, and then masturbate over for a few weeks after. Or for as long as I could remember her face/rack for. She was special.
I personally have a rule about hot women being my tenants. I don’t let it happen. I am human, I am young, and most importantly, I’m male. I don’t trust myself around hot women when it comes to business. I’m so weak, pathetic and creepy that I’d probably try and entice my hot tenant into having sex with me by offering lower rental rates.
I discussed my “no hot tenants” policy with my friend, which he agreed with. We then “naturally” escalated onto creating a list of cool ways we could entice hot tenants to sleep with their landlord.
In retrospect, the conversation was extremely cynical, because at the time it never crossed our minds that a hot tenant MIGHT want to have sex with us unless she needed to. We just assumed we would have to manipulate her.
Anyways, we eventually came up with a facetious (I hope it was facetious anyways) list of ways landlords could entice their hot tenants to sleep with them.
1] Paying rent with sex
I mentioned this earlier, and it’s probably the most obvious method of getting into your tenants bed, to reduce the rent, or completely voiding it all together.
I’d probably base my discount on the size of my tenant’s breasts. I’m a breast man. But you can base your discount on whatever the hell you want.
In this current financial climate, most people would be willing to stab their nan for a fiver. On that note, I bet most single hot tenants would sleep with their landlord to knock a few quid off rent.
2] Fix something broken….with your arse hanging out.
At some point during a tenancy, something in the property is going to break and it’s going to need attention. Instead of initially hiring a handyman or a specialist, insist on trying to fix the problem yourself, even if you have no bloody idea.
All you need to do is pop over with a handyman belt, while wearing a tight pair of jeans that expose your arse-crack when you bend over. Then, hover around the broken object on your hands and knees, exposing your arse, while acting like you’re actively trying to resolve the problem.
After your tenant has had enough time to admire the arse crack, and you’ve managed to convince him/her that you’ve genuinely tried to fix the issue, just remain on your knees, look up at him/her, and say, “nah, can’t fix it. I’ll call the professionals”… then maybe do a little growl or some form of cute, seductive animalistic purr.
Basically, this method of exposing your arse may wet your tenant’s appetite and whip them into a sexual frenzy. Who doesn’t like a good arse? Exactly.
Take a look at this for example. It’s is a picture of my friend. To protect his identity, i’m going to refer to him as “Peanut”. This is a picture of Peanut doing some handyman work. He looks delicious, doesn’t he? Point proven.
3] Offer to buy a new appliance
This probably borders along the line of prostitution, but if both landlord and tenant is cool with that, I don’t see a problem.
Basically, offer to kit out the property with a new appliance like a dish washer.
The way I look at it is, if I was a tenant and my landlord offered to by me a new Hotpoint Washing Machine in exchange for sleeping with her, i’d consider that to be a no-brainer. Obviously I’m going to say “yes”, even if my tenant was a complete munter.
Think of this way, one night of potential hell in exchange for a long term dosage of summer clean clothes. As I said, it’s a no-brainer.
4] “Have sex with me, or pack your bags”
One thing I’ve learned over the years as a semi-educated landlord is that most tenants and landlords don’t have a clue about their rights and/or legal obligations. I try my best to educate via my blog (bless my cotton socks), but it’s an uphill battle, and I don’t even reach out to 0000.1% of landlords in the country.
On that basis, it might be worth taking a punt on using the following threat on your tenant, “Have sexual intercourse with me, or I’m going to serve you notice”
It might work, especially if your tenant has absolutely no desire to vacate the property. A good time to do this is actually during Christmas/New years because no one wants to get kicked out during the festive season, innit?
5] Void any rent arrears for sex
This only applies to landlords that have tenants in rent arrears, or have happen to get a tenant in arrears in the future.
Unfortunately, tenants falling into arrears is a common notion, especially at this time of year when Christmas presents seem to take priority. Most landlords could probably use this method at some point during their landlording career.
No one likes being in debt, and I think it’s safe to assume that someone is substantially in debt if they can’t afford to pay for a roof over their head. Consequently, they’re probably willing to put themselves in shady situations in order to reduce debt. It’s amazing how low people would go when they have to.
However, you as the landlord can prevent the tenant from doing anything too shady in order to reduce debt by offering to sleep with them in exchange for clearing the rent arrears.
Got any more ideas?
That’s the list me and my friend came up with. Can you think of any other incentives for your tenant to sleep with you?
Out of curiosity, has anyone actually slept with their tenant? It’s still on my “to do” list, quite literally.
Before listing the methods, I mentioned that “I think” the list is facetious. I want to elaborate on that. When me and my friend were discussing the topic, it was facetious. We were laughing like it was one big unrealistic joke. Even before writing this blog post it was intended to be factious. But as I started writing this blog post and going over the scenarios in my head, i realised that if I was a tenant and my landlord offered me any of the above deals, I’m not entirely sure I would refuse. I’m not sure if that’s because 1) I’m male 2) I’m sex crazed 3) I lack morals 4) I’m desperate. Quite possibly, it’s a dirty combination of them all. Either way, this blog post probably isn’t as facetious as my conscious would like it to be ha! Only joking, I have no fucking conscious. Joke. I think.
I don’t want some 40yr old virgin actually trying anything I’ve mentioned above, and then getting prosecuted for sexual harassment, and then filing a legal lawsuit against me for dishing out the above tips.
So to make it clear, I’m not telling ANYONE to do or try any of the above. They were just random thoughts on how I would try and bone my hot tenant if I was hypothetically insane!
I don’t know what the legal implications would be if you walk into your tenants house with your cock out or tits exposed (depending on your sex/gender), but I’m pretty sure that’s a sign confirming that you’re clinically insane, and I would advice you to seek immediate medical attention.