5 Ways To Convince Your Tenant To Have Sex With You

Sex Positions

The other day I assisted a fellow landlord (who is also my personal friend) take viewings for his vacant rental property. He had 3 viewings lined up for Sunday afternoon. I didn’t really have any business being there, but I was curious to how he conducted himself during a viewing, so I went along for the ride. I didn’t have anything better to do anyways.

I didn’t actually say much during the viewings, I mostly stood around looking bored off my tits (although, I wasn’t, I was intrigued by the process).

The last and final prospective tenant happened to be a young attractive female. I’m personally wary when it comes to attractive women being my tenants. I am human, I am young, and most importantly, I’m male. Like most men, I’m weak, pathetic and creepy, so I’d end up letting them get away with almost anything.

I discussed my “be wary of attractive female tenants” thoughts with my friend, and with no surprise, there was a general consensus. We then “naturally” escalated onto creating a list of cool ways we could entice hot tenants to sleep with their landlord.

In retrospect, the conversation was extremely cynical, because at the time it never crossed our minds that a hot tenant MIGHT want to actually touch us unless she needed to. We just assumed we would have to manipulate her into it.

Anyways, we eventually came up with a facetious list of ways landlords could entice their hot tenants to sleep with them.

1] Paying rent with sex

I mentioned this earlier, and it’s probably the most obvious method of getting into your tenants bed; to reduce the rent, or completely scrapping it all together.

I’d probably base my discount on the size of my tenant’s breasts. I’m a breast man. But you can base your discount on whatever the hell you want. Maybe you have a foot fetish.

Sadly, I’m pretty sure this practise happens in reality all the time. Urgh.

2] Fix something broken….with your arse hanging out.

At some point during a tenancy, something in the property is going to break and it’s going to need attention. Instead of initially hiring a handyman or a specialist, insist on trying to fix the problem yourself, even if you have no bloody idea.

All you need to do is pop over with a handyman belt and a snug pair of jeans that expose your arse-crack when you bend over. Then, hover around the broken object on your hands and knees, exposing your arse, while acting like you’re actively trying to resolve the problem.

After your tenant has had enough time to admire the arse crack, and you’ve managed to convince him/her that you’ve genuinely tried to fix the issue, just remain on your knees, look up at him/her, and say, “nah, can’t fix it. I’ll call the professionals”… then maybe do a little growl or some form of cute, seductive animalistic purr.

Basically, this method of exposing your arse may wet your tenant’s appetite and whip them into a sexual frenzy. Who doesn’t like a good arse? Exactly.

Take a look at this for example. It’s is a picture of my friend. To protect his identity, i’m going to refer to him as “Peanut”. This is a picture of Peanut doing some handyman work. He looks delicious, doesn’t he? Point proven.

Workman's arse

3] Offer to buy a new appliance

This probably borders along the line of prostitution, but if both landlord and tenant is cool with that, I don’t see a problem.

Basically, offer to kit out the property with a new appliance like a dish washer. Dangle the appliance carrot.

The way I look at it is, if I was a tenant and my landlord offered to by me a new Hotpoint Washing Machine in exchange for sleeping with her, i’d consider that to be a no-brainer. Obviously I’m going to say “yes”, even if my tenant was a complete munter.

Think of this way, one night of potential hell in exchange for a long term dosage of summer clean clothes. As I said, it’s a no-brainer.

4] “Have sex with me, or pack your bags”

This one is edgy. Morbid to the bitter end.

One thing I’ve learned over the years as a semi-educated landlord is that most tenants and landlords don’t have a clue about their rights and/or legal obligations. I try my best to educate via my blog, but it’s an uphill battle, and I don’t even reach out to 0000.1% of landlords or tenants in the country.

On that basis, it might be worth taking a punt on, “Have sexual intercourse with me, or I’m going to serve you notice”

It might work, especially if your tenant has absolutely no desire to vacate the property. An effective time to do this is actually during Christmas/New years because no one wants to get kicked out during the festive season, innit?

5] Void any rent arrears for sex

This only applies to landlords that have tenants in rent arrears, or have happen to get a tenant in arrears in the future. Unfortunately, rent arrears is far too common.

No one likes being in debt, and I think it’s safe to presume that someone is substantially in debt if they can’t afford to pay for a roof over their head. Consequently, they’re probably willing to put themselves in shady situations in order to reduce debt. It’s amazing how low people will go during desperate times.

However, you can prevent your tenant from doing anything too shady by offering to sleep with them in exchange for clearing the rent arrears.

Everybody wins.

Got any more ideas?

Out of curiosity, has anyone actually slept with their tenant? I don’t necessarily mean by deploying any manipulative tactics.

I want to clarify, that when me and my friend were discussing the topic, it was wholly facetious. We were laughing like it was one big unrealistic joke. Even before writing this blog post it was intended to be factious. But as I started writing this blog post and going over the scenarios in my head, I realised that if I was a tenant and my landlord offered me any of the above deals, I’m not entirely sure I would refuse. I’m not sure if that’s because 1) I’m male 2) I’m sex crazed 3) I lack morals 4) I’m desperate.

Quite possibly, it’s a dirty combination of them all.

Disclaimer

I don’t want a 40yr old virgin (or anyone else for that matter) actually trying any of the methods mentioned, and then getting prosecuted for sexual harassment, and then filing a legal lawsuit against me for dishing out utterly poor advise.

So to make it clear, I’m not telling ANYONE to do or try any of the above, it would be monstrously insane. This blog post is written off the back of “locker room talk”, it’s completely bullshit.

I don’t know what the legal implications would be if you walk into your tenants house with your cock out or tits exposed (depending on your sex/gender), but I’m pretty sure that’s a sign confirming that you’re clinically insane, and I would advice you to seek immediate medical attention.

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29 Comments- Join The Conversation...

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Sukhi 8th December, 2010 @ 07:51

so wrong, but funny!

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Jools 8th December, 2010 @ 16:09

What the hell is "Peanut" wearing around his right ankle? Is it some kind of garter that has slipped or some kind of frilly schoolgirl sock?

I dont like the look of those stains either especially since you only needed one hand to take the picture! Care to share? Just Googled 'girl builders arse' to even things up but was highly dissapointed at the lack thereof.

Jools

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The Landlord Avatar
The Landlord 8th December, 2010 @ 16:47

hahah I never noticed that!! It actually looks like a frilly schoolgirl hairband!! It's actually the bottom of his jeans rolled up!

Well spotted Jools! That certainly did give me a chuckle!

The stains... no comment.

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Fredo 9th December, 2010 @ 21:39

I bet there are hundreds of middle aged men out there knowing this is wrong, but unable to get the idea out of their minds - they know sooner or later it's going to happen!

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SHeldon 10th December, 2010 @ 03:00

fuck im 19 and the minute I get some hot chick moving in my propertys Im soooo trying this ahaha!

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jeffo 10th December, 2010 @ 21:44

I have a tenant just moved in. She is 23, blonde and looks like she needs help lifting her massive tits into bed. I have wondered many many many times about offering this service but how would I handle them, sorry I mean it, if the rent didnt come? I want 'it' but it aint gonna be 'that or the wallet'. This is why landlords masturbate and act so frustrated all the time. We are surrounded by hot women we could go bonk, just to help them through their boring and tedious nights alone. You know, come to think about it, we would be doing them a favour. Thats it, Im going down blondies tomorrow and offering my sex services to her for a modest increase in the rent!

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Fredo 10th December, 2010 @ 21:59

Jeffo - surely this is a service you could offer to all women, not just your tenants? In fact, you should probably avoid tenants 'cause you'll never know what she really wants when she asks come round and fix something!

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SHeldon 11th December, 2010 @ 19:16

haha!

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MA60ULD 14th December, 2010 @ 22:01

Although I'm all for it, I bet it could back fire fast, what happens if there a shit shag, or got a manky snatch, then the following month they want the same discount.
How man have though about setting spy cameras up " of course in the interest in protecting your investment "

Mike

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jeffo 18th December, 2010 @ 22:55

Spy cameras? I have no intention of watching my hairy arse on play back time and time again...... however if this appeals to you, various copies are available now at just £9.99 each plus £2.99 p&p.

1)Jeffo the handlord
2)Jeffo does DHS'ers
3)Your money or your wife
4)Pay me or lay me

Order now to avoid disapointment!

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Simone Phillips 27th December, 2010 @ 11:16

Wrong and funny

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Fredo 30th December, 2010 @ 10:42

I really hope Jo Yeates' landlord didn't read this...

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Anonymous 22nd January, 2011 @ 11:52

...may your sins plague you

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ken melbourne apartm 28th January, 2011 @ 17:17

Hahah...funny:)))

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Neel 10th August, 2013 @ 01:16

You are right. I have 3 apartments and i have alwz used sort of these tricks to fuck all my female tenants. they enjoy the fuck and pay less and receive gifts. I cant see anything they can expect better for them. One of my tenants even invited me abroad to keep her company in return for not paying the rent for the month. I really cant resist the hotties staying in one of my apartments without getting fucked!!!

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jodie 14th October, 2013 @ 17:16

That is hysterical, I would pay to watch you genuinely attempt any of these lol

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pat 30th October, 2013 @ 03:24

I've got to ask how many properties do you own and how did you come by owning property for rent at such a young age?

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Benclint 30th October, 2013 @ 14:24

hmmmm

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Nora 7th February, 2014 @ 22:34

You are absolutely disgusting! Manipulating people by making them have sex with you so that they can keep a roof over their heads. That's borderline rape! I'd rather live on the streets than spend five seconds in bed with you if I were your tenant. You should be ashamed of yourself.

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Sarah 23rd May, 2014 @ 17:10

I need a new landlord, haha!

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Meerkat 12th June, 2018 @ 19:19

Plumber butt is the worst. Biggest turn off Everyone knows about plumber butt.Especially if your fixing the toliet. Who would be watching you fix stuff anyway I wouldn't I'd be gone. Anyway, I'd do my landlord he's so cute and sweet. He stares at me a lot and tries to talk soft on the phone. Lol. I think he's to shy to ask.

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Landlord 7th August, 2018 @ 01:36

You ladies who are into it, feel free to make the first move. If Landlord is a decent guy, he won’t want to come off like a creep. But if you’re an attractive younger woman, and you’re late on your rent and ask if there’s *anything* I could do, while licking your finger, that should do the trick.

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Angry Tennant 28th December, 2018 @ 13:02

I hope this is satire but even if it is then it’s not in good taste. I am currently trying to find a new place to stay and as soon as potential landlords find out that I am female it starts up. “I can lower your rent in exchange for an arrangement.”

It is so degrading and disgusting and they are so blatant about it. I’ve been to view flats with my male friend and the landlords seem nice and as soon as it is pointed out I will be renting alone and we’re not a couple I can feel them change completely. Looking all over me, then they try to grab a quick moment alone to ask about it or wait til I’m gone and message me. Makes my skin crawl.

It is really difficult for a young single woman to find a safe place away from these creeps. I didn’t know about this problem until I started looking at tenancy on my own. It is really difficult. Nowadays I try to find female only properties to be safe.

Look up “Sex for rent” it is a serious problem. Men preying on vulnerable women who are homeless or can’t afford high rental fees.

Then you will see that this is not funny at all.

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Catherine 3rd March, 2019 @ 22:11

Peanut looks hot. I'd probably fuck him.
However, while a nice arse on a bloke is all very well, there's not many "positions" available to a lady where she gets a good veiw of a nice arse ifyaknowwhatimean so it's kind of a waste.
I would recommend your friend do the "It's hot in here" routine and take if his t-shirt completely. Prefarbly while drinking a can of diet coke for the humour element. Then post a picture on here so we can negotiate.

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Michael Stewart 4th September, 2019 @ 07:53

The only problems I can see with this is that if she is able to get away with not paying rent by having sex once she will likely try it again all the time. If I am renting to someone I want money. If she cannot pay rent then I will give her notice to leave. if I allow her to pay using sex she might try it again in the future, she might tell other female tenants who will then try the same thing, or she might decide to get authorities involved claiming I sexually harassed her. However, as I am also male, the above does seem to be a great fantasy. The only reason I might consider this situation is if she is late with her rent for that month and If she was the one who offered. I would engage in it to allow her more time to pay the rent

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Ignis 12th April, 2020 @ 01:45

Consider ending your life.

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Mao Zedong 12th April, 2020 @ 02:26

"The ruthless economic exploitation and political oppression of the peasants by the landlord class forced them into numerous uprisings against its rule.... It was the class struggles of the peasants, the peasant uprisings and peasant wars that constituted the real motive force of historical development in Chinese feudal society."
Let's hope history repeats.

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worker 12th April, 2020 @ 07:46

You Say Shit like this and then wonder why people don't like you and your parasitic business model..... as if this is anything close to professional Behavior

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Sarah 12th April, 2020 @ 08:24

Anyone who takes this seriously has more issues than the actual blogger. So morally warped, Ignis thinks it's better to tell someone to "end their life"

Get a life people.

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