I recently assisted a fellow landlord (who is also my personal friend) take 3 scheduled viewings for his vacant rental property. I didn’t really have any business being there, although I was curious to how he conducted himself during viewings, so I went along for the ride.
I didn’t actually say much during the viewings, I mostly stood around, looking a bit awkward like a third wheel on a date.
The last and final prospective tenant was a young attractive female. I’m personally wary when it comes to attractive women being my tenants. I am human, I am young, and most importantly, I’m male. Like most men, I’m weak, pathetic and creepy, so I’d end up letting them get away with almost anything.
I discussed my “be wary of attractive female tenants” thoughts with my friend, and with no surprise, there was a general consensus. We then “naturally” escalated onto creating a list of cool ways we could entice, I quote, “do’able” tenants to sleep with their landlord.
Look, I never said we were the most refined people on the planet.
In retrospect, the conversation was extremely cynical, because at the time it never crossed our minds that an attractive tenant MIGHT want to actually touch us unless she needed to. We just assumed we would have to manipulate her into it, because that’s how profoundly hideous we truly are.
Anyways, we eventually came up with a facetious list of ways landlords could entice their hot tenants to sleep with them.
1] Paying rent with sex
I mentioned this earlier, and it’s probably the most obvious method of getting into your tenants bed; to reduce the rent, or completely scrapping it all together.
I’d probably base my discount on the size of my tenant’s breasts. I’m a breast man. But you can base your discount on whatever the hell you want. Maybe you have a foot fetish.
Sadly, I’m pretty sure this practise happens in reality all the time. Urgh.
2] Fix something broken….with your arse hanging out.
At some point during a tenancy, something in the property is going to break and it’s going to need attention. Instead of initially hiring a handyman or a specialist, insist on trying to fix the problem yourself, even if you have no bloody idea.
All you need to do is pop over with a handyman belt and a snug pair of jeans that expose your arse-crack when you bend over. Then, hover around the broken object on your hands and knees, exposing your arse, while acting like you’re actively trying to resolve the problem.
After your tenant has had enough time to admire the arse crack, and you’ve managed to convince him/her that you’ve genuinely tried to fix the issue, just remain on your knees, look up at him/her, and say, “nah, can’t fix it. I’ll call the professionals”… then maybe do a little growl or some form of cute, seductive animalistic purr.
Basically, this method of exposing your arse may wet your tenant’s appetite and whip them into a sexual frenzy. Who doesn’t like a good arse? Exactly.
Take a look at this for example. It’s is a picture of my friend. To protect his identity, i’m going to refer to him as “Peanut”. This is a picture of Peanut doing some handyman work. He looks delicious, doesn’t he? Point proven.
3] Offer to buy a new appliance
This probably borders along the line of prostitution, but if both landlord and tenant is cool with that, I don’t see a problem.
Basically, offer to kit out the property with a new appliance like a dish washer. Dangle the appliance carrot.
The way I look at it is, if I was a tenant and my landlord offered to by me a new Hotpoint Washing Machine in exchange for sleeping with her, i’d consider that to be a no-brainer. Obviously I’m going to say “yes”, even if my tenant was a complete munter.
Think of this way, one night of potential hell in exchange for a long term dosage of summer clean clothes. As I said, it’s a no-brainer.
4] “Have sex with me, or pack your bags”
This one is edgy. Morbid to the bitter end.
One thing I’ve learned over the years as a semi-educated landlord is that most tenants and landlords don’t have a clue about their rights and/or legal obligations. I try my best to educate via my blog, but it’s an uphill battle, and I don’t even reach out to 0000.1% of landlords or tenants in the country.
On that basis, it might be worth taking a punt on, “Have sexual intercourse with me, or I’m going to serve you notice”
It might work, especially if your tenant has absolutely no desire to vacate the property. An effective time to do this is actually during Christmas/New years because no one wants to get kicked out during the festive season, innit?
5] Void any rent arrears for sex
This only applies to landlords that have tenants in rent arrears, or have happen to get a tenant in arrears in the future. Unfortunately, rent arrears is far too common.
No one likes being in debt, and I think it’s safe to presume that someone is substantially in debt if they can’t afford to pay for a roof over their head. Consequently, they’re probably willing to put themselves in shady situations in order to reduce debt. It’s amazing how low people will go during desperate times.
However, you can prevent your tenant from doing anything too shady by offering to sleep with them in exchange for clearing the rent arrears.
Got any more ideas?
Out of curiosity, has anyone actually slept with their tenant? I don’t necessarily mean by deploying any manipulative tactics.
I want to clarify, that when me and my friend were discussing the topic, it was wholly facetious. We were laughing like it was one big unrealistic joke. Even before writing this blog post it was intended to be factious. But as I started writing this blog post and going over the scenarios in my head, I realised that if I was a tenant and my landlord offered me any of the above deals, I’m not entirely sure I would refuse. I’m not sure if that’s because 1) I’m male 2) I’m sex crazed 3) I lack morals 4) I’m desperate.
Quite possibly, it’s a dirty combination of them all.
I don’t want a 40yr old virgin (or anyone else for that matter) actually trying any of the methods mentioned, and then getting prosecuted for sexual harassment, and then filing a legal lawsuit against me for dishing out utterly poor advise.
So to make it clear, I’m not telling ANYONE to do or try any of the above, it would be monstrously insane. This blog post is written off the back of “locker room talk”, it’s completely bullshit.
I don’t know what the legal implications would be if you walk into your tenants house with your cock out or tits exposed (depending on your sex/gender), but I’m pretty sure that’s a sign confirming that you’re clinically insane, and I would advice you to seek immediate medical attention.
Disclaimer: I'm just a landlord blogger; I'm 100% not qualified to give legal or financial advice. I'm a doofus. Any information I share is my unqualified opinion, and should never be construed as professional legal or financial advice. You should definitely get advice from a qualified professional for any legal or financial matters. For more information, please read my full disclaimer.