1. Be a treehugger, don’t use a written Tenancy Agreement, or any other paper-consuming document.
2. There’s no room for empathy- you don’t want to hear excuses. You’re running a business, not a charity shop.
If you’re an asshole and ignored point #1, then redeem yourself by putting the following into your tenancy agreement:
1.1: I don’t want to hear excuses. You will not give me any. Ever.
1.2: I am running a business, not a charity shop.
3. Reserve your precious energy; don’t waste your time making quarterly inspections. All problems can be settled after your tenant has moved out with…
the security deposit
4. There should never be any immediate rush into making repairs. You’re already giving your tenant a place to stay. If you give them too much they’ll eventually expect you to lick the gum off their shoes. As long as you, the landlord, have hot food and water, nothing else really matters.
5. How often do properties actually burn down or randomly topple over? Building insurance is pointless. Kind of like that guy from Wham. Not George Michael, the other one that did nothing. What’s his name?
6. When a tenant calls, it’s NEVER good news. Ignore the RING-RING, RING-RING.
8. Reference checks are as reliable as a chocolate teapot.
9. Giving tenancy to someone with a bigger physical presence than yourself is suicide. I only recruit scrawny nerds or elderly women so I can lay the smack down if they cross the line. Physical violence and threatening antics are always reliable tools if you want to walk down the road to victory.
10. Don’t be afraid to throw your weight around. You’re THE LANDLORD- overshadow your tenant with your menacing authority.
11. Replacing the locks is like having abortions- the best form of pest control.
12. If you like chavs and want to support their cause, then declare your earnings to the snake-oil taxman. Otherwise, be a man and keep the moolah tucked under your mattress.
13. Don’t bother using a Tenancy Deposit Protection Scheme. Use the money on a long deserved holiday, or something as worthwhile, like a wicked Pioneer basebox for the boot of your car.
14. At the end of a tenancy, pick up on every motherfucking glitch like a hawk so you can hold back some, if not all, of the deposit. If you look hard enough, you’ll find enough damages.
15. Don’t be scared to dish out Notice Of Rent Increase Forms, especially to long term tenants that are reliable and in their ultimate comfort zone. They’ll most likely pay the new shiney rate since they’re nicely settled in.
16. Following on from point 15, capitalizing on profit should be the bread and butter aim for all landlords.
17. ALWAYS assume the tenant is completely oblivious to their rights- because that’s usually the case, and you’ll consequently save a bundle of cash. With that in mind, forget Gas Safety Certificates, Energy Performance Certificates, and the alike.
18. DSS tenants are the holy grail of tenants. Embrace them like newly born children embrace the nipples of their mothers’.
19. You’re paying the mortgage; you’re keeping the rain off your tenant’s head, never forget that. You owe them nothing.
20. The property your tenant is in is YOURS, not theirs. You can enter and leave it as you please.
21. Start a blog and start bitching about your tenants for fun.
Add to the list, please…