My Tenant Left Me With A Wheelie Bin Full Of Shit And Sex Toys
Written by The Landlord on 26 Oct 2010Well, fuck me sideways. My ex tenants’ got me good this time.
This incident actually happened a few weeks ago, but I’ve only just had time to tell the tale. I’m not sure if this incident is more amusing or frustrating. Perhaps you should tell me…
I’ve already mentioned a few dozen times that a set of tenants moved out a few weeks ago, right? Right. Well, on the day they moved out we did the final inspection together, and everything appeared to be fine. There was no damage to the property, and everything appeared to be clean. “Appeared” being the operative word.
Being under the impression everything was fine, I returned the deposit. All was good in the hood.
A few days later I went back to the property to do a bit of required maintenance work. After fitting new light bulbs in the kitchen, I went to throw away the packaging into a wheelie bin. That’s when I noticed that one of the wheelie bin’s was filled to the brim with junk. At the top of the pile was an overused “welcome” floor mat, a plastic dish holder, an array of rusty cutlery, and copious amounts of empty plastic bags. I dare not move anything around with my bare hands to see what laid deeper.
Admittedly, it was my fault! I should have checked the wheelie bins while I was doing the inspection (I usually do). To make it worse, I had already declared the property as being empty with the local housing office, consequently I was benefiting from Council Tax Exemption, so the garbage men weren’t coming around any time soon. Additionally, I already confirmed with the tenant everything was ok and returned their deposit, so I couldn’t recall on them to clean up their shit. My only option was to accept my fate; to get my hands dirty and dispose of the crap myself. Needless to say, the rubbish wasn’t disposed into black bin liners, everything was just individually thrown into the bin. Great.
The next day I returned to the property with 3 heavy duty bin liners and a pair of rubber gloves. Item by item, I slowly started transferring everything into bin liners so I could dispose of them at the local skip.
You can tell a lot by going through someone’s rubbish
The above statement is FACT! By going through my tenants’ rubbish I actually learned a lot about them. Granted, I didn’t actually learn anything useful, but I did learn something.
Firstly, I learned they lived off baked beans and eggs. The bin was FULL of empty egg shells and bean cans. I also learned the following…
My ex tenants are careless/dangerous
They left a half full gas torch in the bin. Idiots.
My ex tenants are sexually active. Nice!
I found an empty box of 12 “variety” condoms.
On a side note, it’s interesting that amongst the different performance types and fittings, there’s 3 “strawberry” flavoured ones.
My ex tenants like it freaky
The jackpot. Laying next to the condoms I found a pack of handcuffs. I shit you not!
Unfortunately, I’ll NEVER look at my ex tenants’ in the same light. The thought of them having sex was unsettling enough. Ya’ know, there are some people in this world that you just can’t imagine having sex. Like your parents. Well, my ex tenants come into that category.
Unfortunately, not only do I have mental images of two people that I can’t imagine having sex actually humping the shit out of one another, but they’re doing it while hand cuffed and dressed in leather gimps suits.
Granted, I never found any leather gimp suits, but that’s just how my creative and colourful mind evolved the situation. I found condoms and handcuffs, so I naturally assume there were gimp suits. The obvious explanation is that they took the gimp suits with them to their new residence, hence why they weren’t in the wheelie bin.
Imagine two people you can’t imagine having sex (e.g. YOUR PARENTS) looking like this:
DON’T BLAME ME! Blame my ex tenants! They did this!!! They did this. If I have to suffer with those horrific thoughts/images, then so do you… I’m taking you all down with me!
So, not only did my ex tenants’ force me to physically organise their mouldy rubbish into bin liners and dispose of their shit, but they also haunted me with mental images of unsettling sex scenes. Which brings me back to my initial question, should I be more annoyed or amused?
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever found that a tenant left behind?
Right, I’m off to inflict a head injury on myself. Hopefully that will dislodge my short term memory. Fuck my life.
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12 Comments - join the conversation...
Condom filled with jizz is amusing/gross ha. Did you complain? If so, what did they say, and did you get any compensation? I would have demanded compensation. Failing that, I would have launched the condom at the manager's face!
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I know there are other things I;d rather spend £15 on, but on the other hand, I think I would rather have someone else handle the shit...
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You have to be very careful who you use to remove waste. YOU, the customer are liable for the actions of the waste company! Do they have a waste carriers licence? Can they provide you with a duty of care waste transfer note? If they cant do both, they are illegal. If they can but they dump the crap, you are still liable. Are they insured to be carrying waste? Are the guys loading it insured to walk onto/into your property? (sounds daft but imagine what happens when they put in a compensation claim against you!) The best bit is after they have checked out where you are storing the tools, will they be there tomorrow?
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Worth a few bob that!
Is it only me who thinks that gimp thing is just a tad bizzare? Mind you each to their own!! Is that some kind of anal lube in the box behind the handcuffs?
I think you have a new career as a paparazzo or private eye now you have your fetish for rummaging through bins!
Jools
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This post does make me feel better - even an expert landlord has been duped. My own efforts as a landlord, as hard as I try, sometimes get foiled by unruly tenants and it's just reassuring to know that it can happen to anyone.
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Condoms and handcuffs! Anyone would think they had a healthy sex life. Bastards! Thank goodness they're not wearing leather gimp masks. Oh they were in your mind? Sick f**kers.
Anyone would think that when someone lives in a house you own and pays you, that they might have earned the right legally and morally to live their own lives. Bastards again!
You sir are a repressed idiot with an unhealthy unfulfilled obsession with s&m, if you intend to live your life as a commentary on the normal lIfestyle of a couple might I suggest a career as a judge on afghanistan idol. Your pre-18th century views lead me to believe that's where you habit.
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Seriously, calm down.
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We want more Landlord!
TB
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The images are delightfully UNhaunting and it pleases me you find them otherwise xxx
silly landlord.
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I initially started this website because I wanted to document my every step from property idiot to property landlord,
in hope that people would find my site and help me along the way. I literally didn't have a clue about being a landlord
when I started this website.
I am having images of old people in gimp suits thanks to you. The vinyl is squeaking against vinyl. Heartless b'stard
Stayed in a hotel (formule1) that had a jizz filled jonny in the bed. Thats worse that a tenants rubbish being in the bin!
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