One of my best mate’s is a tenant with a live-in landlord. I frequently pop over to her gaff just to chill-out and catch up on life. Unfortunately, i’m always unsettled by the experience because I’m forced to encounter her landlord, who happens to the most miserable, sorry-looking shit-face I ever have had the pleasure of meeting.
I don’t know how my friend has coped for so long (10 months), I don’t think she knows either. Unfortunately, my friend is one of those fragile pussys that will just put up with shit for the sake of living a simple life. As a friend and a fellow landlord, it’s irritating for me to witness such an awful landlord unnessacrarily inflict misery upon my friend.
Reasons why the landlord is a bitch
- She’s literally NEVER happy. I’ve never seen her smile, not once. More importantly, I’m one of those beautiful people that brings joy and sunshine to a room, yet even I can’t get a smile out of her. She’s so unwelcoming; she casts a huge, bitter shadow with her presence.
I’m pretty sure her face is permanently stuck with the same gormless expression. I’m confident that if she even tried to smile her skin would crack like dry paint.
Miserably people are so unnecessary.
- She has no concept of manners, not even a basic grasp. Relunctantly, I always smile and greet her when I see her, even though I know I’m going to get served with the same old tired response, consisting of a low-pitched mutter, which vaguely sounds like the word, “hi”. She’s so rude. I genuinely just want to smack her repeatedly around her stupid face with my shoes. Actually, scratch that, i’d rather smack her with her own shoes, there’s more of a morbid twist of irony that way.
- She’s one of those annoying clean freaks. Being clean is one thing, but being a freak about it is another thing.
She crosses the line with her freakish antics; she throws a strop when there’s a mess in my friend’s room, when It actually has NOTHING to do with her. And when I say “mess”, I don’t mean dried peanut-butter feces tucked away in the corner or last week’s congealed roast dinner stowed under the bed.
My friend isn’t dirty, she’s normal, so occassionally has clothes lying around. The landlord seems to perceive that as “room-cancer”, and deems it appropriate to lecture (literally) my friend about it.
- Every time my friend cooks something in the kitchen, the landlord seems to make a rant along the lines of, “the kitchen stinks”, in a really aggressive manner. It’s fucking food, the smell will go, you dumb bitch!
- The landlord ALWAYS goes into my friend’s room and cleans it. She even goes through her drawers and organises her papers and all sorts. While the intentions may not be sinister, the actions make my friend feel harassed. The landlord has no legal right to do that, but for some reason, in her stupid head, she feels she does.
- The last time my friend tried to take a shower after 10pm, the landlord complained and told her to take one in the morning. Ever since, my friend has felt uncomfortable taking late night showers, even though she works late shifts a lot of the times. The bathroom is right next to the landlord’s bedroom, so she can’t even have a sneaky one.
It’s still unclear why this is a problem because the landlord was awake and watching TV when the attempt was made. Either way, even if the repulsive bitch was counting sheep, she still shouldn’t complain when the tenant wants to take a shower.
- The landlord gets angered when my friend wants to bring anyone back for the night. My friend has to ask permission, and the response is usually “no”, and my pussy friend usually obeys like a tortured dog. It’s actually kinda’ pathetic. My friend needs to man up.
After lecturing my friend relentlessly week after week, I finally broke her down, and she’s agreed to give notice and move out. HAARRAY! But before doing so, I took a look at the Assured Shorthold Tenancy Agreement to determine what the current situation was. It came to no real surprise to discover that the Tenancy Agreement is a pile of shit, as is the landlord.
Why the tenancy agreement is junk
- The tenancy agreement was out of date, and looked like the landlord had typed it up herself on a typewriter
- The contract wasn’t for a live-in landlord, it was specifically for a landlord that lived separately
The Tenancy Agreement must be at least 8 years old. It was laughable. In fact, I’m going to get a copy of it and post it up, just so you can all see what a vintage Tenancy Agreement looks like. It was the first time I had seen such a monstrosity of an agreement. Even the alignment and layout was poor.
I refuse to let the landlord get away with anything!!
I have a feeling that the landlord is going to try and keep the deposit over something stupid (because that’s the kind of person she is), but I refuse to let that happen. Firstly, my friend hasn’t caused any damage to her room. Moreover, the money isn’t secured in a tenancy deposit scheme. I’ll fight to the death over this one. But, if at the time I don’t feel like risking my life, I may opt for making a couple of drive-bys at 4am to egg her house.
I’m also going to make sure my friend gives the landlord the minimum notice required, just to be inconvient as possible. The landlord has been totally inconvenient throughout the tenure, so she needs a dose of her own cheese-and-chive anal fluid thrown down her gullet.
The tenancy is now periodic, and my tenant pays rent every 2 weeks. So she only needs to give 2 weeks notice. That means the landlord doesn’t have long to find new tenants :)
To top it off, i’m pretty certain a gas safety check hasn’t been performed. And if it has, my friend hasn’t received a copy of the certificate, which she is meant to.
If the landlord at any point makes the process of moving out difficult for my friend, I’ll be throwing all of the above in her face, along with a big FUCK YOU.
Right, rant over. I love you all xxx