The story I’m about to tell is a bit weird. Weird in a slightly psychotic way, not weird in an unexpected/unusual way, because the more I think about it, the less I’m surprised by it.
So, check it…
I already briefly discussed that I have tenants moving out next week because they require larger living space than i’m currently providing. Greedy, to say the least. Right? Outside Liverpool Street station, I’ve seen 3 people refer to the same cardboard box as “home”. It wasn’t a big box either, about the size of a Dyson Hoover package. Yet, apparently, a 2 bedroom house is not not big enough for a family of three. YOU do the maths, because I’m struggling here.
Anyways, putting the issue of their unjustified greed aside for a moment…
They found their new rental accommodation through a local letting agent. I assume the letting agent is relatively new because when the tenant mentioned the company’s name, it didn’t sound familiar. I’ve heard of all the locally established letting agents because I live in a small inbreed town where we all sleep with our cousins, besides from in the winter, when we sleep with our siblings (because the cold conditions make it difficult to travel to our cousins).
I have no direct relationship with the letting agent, and I have never spoken to anyone from the agency. What I’m trying to say is, they don’t mean shit to me. However, earlier today I received a call from them, which went to my answer machine, and this is what was left:
My name is LLoyd from [insert letting agent name]. We know your tenant is moving out of [insert property address] next week, so we just want you to know that we’ve found tenants for you. They love the property and want to move in as soon as your current tenant moves out.
We’ve already referenced them, and as a result, we believe they would be perfect tenants.
Please give me a call so we can arrange for you to come in and sign the contracts.
Thanks a lot,
Aye? What the fuck? Are you on crack, muthafucka? Who are you? Who instructed you to find me tenants?
Basically, a letting agent that I’ve never heard of, or spoken to, has found me tenants that are ready to move in. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad practise (I haven’t decided yet), but it’s definitely a bit nutty.
Perhaps if he tweeked his sales pitch, the issue wouldn’t have been so intrusive. A message like this would have been distinctly more warming,
We’re aware you have tenants shortly vacating- we may have some tenants that are interested to occupy the vacancy immediately. Happy to discuss further if interested…
I think it’s weird of the agent to ask me to sign a tenancy agreement without even discussing it with me beforehand. Agreed? I don’t even know their rates! They’re not even sure if I have someone lined up already!
The situation is like having sex with a random girl, and then requesting permission if it’s ok to have sex with her after I’ve ejaculated…in her. Of course, what the agent did was far worse :)
I’m not angry, i’m just confused, like someone waking up after a heavy night of knocking back Jager Bombs. I feel like memories have been extracted from my mind, leaving me with a blank episode, which should “logically” be filled with memories of me instructing the agent to find me tenants. But I remember nothing of the sort.
I’m struggling to put the pieces together, and unlike Jager Bomb victims, I’m not privileged enough to have clues like blood stains and a used condom scouring the walls of my anal passage to determine what happened during those lost hours.
I’m not entirely sure if the agent took viewings, but I’m assuming he did because I don’t think “perfect tenants” (which is how he described them) would be eager to move into a property that they haven’t seen. Right?
If anything, the agent is wasting his own time and putting his own reputation on the line by diving in feet first. I hope he’s promised the new tenants that the deal has been signed, sealed and delivered, because that would be pretty amusing as there is no way I’m going to pay agent fees and use their tenants.
I’m going to call the fool tomorrow and find out what’s going on :)
If you’re an agent, please don’t use the approach used by the agent in question! It’s freaky and repelling.