I have a 2 bedroom mid-terrace house located on the outskirts of Cambridge City, available from early November for someone, or some people, to make into a new home.
The property comprises nice views, a nice location, and nice neighbours. It’s all rather nice. Interested? Apply for viewings if you’re able to tick all of the following boxes…
1] Tenant must have a good level of hygiene
I don’t want a walking, talking health hazard sloshing around in my property, stinking up the place with germs, hideous urine odours and the cheese and chive sweats.
A shower must already be part of your well established daily routine.
2] Tenant must be middle aged
The youth of today are the cesspit of humanity. They lack respect, they’re irresponsible and they dress funny.
Old people are equally irritating. They’re stuck in their ways and try to abuse the, “I’m old and innocent” card too much. That shit won’t fly with me.
To ensure that I get the best possible odds of getting a less than irritating tenant, you must be aged between 30 and 45.
3] Tenant must have a stable and well-paid job
If you’re working in the financial sector or property industry, you need not apply. I’m looking for tenants that are unlikely to be waiting in queue at the job centre anytime soon.
Doctors, teachers or anything of the alike are welcome with open arms.
This requirement is essential for obvious reasons- I need tenants with money and a reliable source of income so I don’t have to deal with legal cases due to tenants falling into arrears.
4] Tenant must have good rental history
I require names and numbers of all previous landlords so I can obtain references.
The purpose of this is to get clarification that you’re not a complete lowlife that treats the property you live in like a used tampon, and that you actually pay rent on time.
5] Tenant is forbidden to like pets
Under no circumstances must you allow any animals into the property. In fact, you’re prohibited to be a pet-lover in any shape or form.
If you can prove to me that you’ve been mentally scarred by a previous encounter with a pet (e.g. bite wound from a dog), then your chances of being accepted will substantially increase.
Pets generally smell and shit everywhere, even after they’ve been thoroughly polished.
6] Tenant cannot have any children
Much like pets, children smell and unpredictably shit all over the place. But children are worse, because they can’t be caged (legally), and they think walls are blank canvases waiting to be drawn on. You should either hate children or be infertile. The ideal candidate will carry both conditions.
7] Tenant cannot be a smoker
Not only does smoke stain walls and seep into carpets, but it also kills those around the consumer. That’s how dangerous it is.
I don’t want a phone call at 2am on a Friday night being informed that my tenant has passed away due to a heart attack. That wouldn’t be fair on me as I’ll need to pull new tenants out of my arse.
Smoking is a disgusting habit. I don’t want to associate with disgusting people. You cannot be a smoker.
8] Tenant is forbidden to host parties or any other social event
I don’t need gristly neighbours banging on my door because you’ve been throwing wild and lavish parties. I don’t need that kind of stress thrown onto my lap.
You must be a hermit, with no friends at all. That should prevent the whole “house party” issue from ever arising.
9] Tenant must consume alcohol in moderation while in the property
Alcohol is the devils urine. And if you think it’s cool to consume the devil’s urine while in my property, you’ll consume in moderated amounts. That way you’ll still be able to maintain the ability to walk and talk properly.
For some reason consuming large amounts of alcohol is seen as fun and cool. It’s actually neither. However, I’m a reasonable individual, so I won’t enforce a “no alcohol at all” policy. Instead, I’m going to say that if you’re weak and pathetic and need to clench your thirst with alcohol, do it outside the premises so you can trip over and fall through someone else’s window.
10] Tenant must carry basic common sense at all times
Common sense seems to be a rare commodity these days, which is extremely unfortunate because it means my target audience has shrunk.
What do I mean by common sense? If you’re falling short one month on rent, your common sense will FORCE you to either a) get a second job b) sell some personal belongings c) borrow the money
11] Tenant must have great taste in fashion and design
I’m a stylish individual; everything I own is stylish, and everything that lives in what I own is stylish.
By staying in my property you will ultimately be representing me, consequently there’s a prerequisite level of panache you’ll need to hold in your swagger and interior design.
This will be especially useful to me when it’s time for you to vacate the property. While I’m showing new prospective tenants around, I don’t want cheap IKEA crap dragging the property down. I demand panache; you must have it.
12] Tenant must be D.I.Y competent
You must have some degree of practical D.I.Y knowledge.
I don’t want you leaving a message on my Facebook Wall informing me that the garden shed door has come off the hinges, and you need assistance. I want you to be able to grab a screwdriver and rectify the issue.
If you want to increase your chances of being selected by proving to me you have D.I.Y skills, build me a bookshelf from scratch.
13] Tenant must sign a 5yr tenancy agreement
I’ll be commited to you, so you must be commited to me and my property. I don’t want you pussying out after a year or two by jumping ship.
Our relationship will be based on mutual respect. You must respect me by staying in my property for at least 5 years so I don’t have to go through the hassle of finding new tenants anytime soon.
14] Tenant must enjoy cleaning
A clean home is a happy home. Learn it, live it, love it.
You must enjoy cleaning, and you must be good at it. Being diagnosed with OCD will be a desirable attribute and will not go unnoticed.
Do you fit the profile?
The list above would probably be my requirements in my ideal landlording world. What would yours be?