I found the following email piled up in my inbox last week, or perhaps it was the week before. Either way, destiny intended for the nonsensical piece of shit to find me. Enjoy.

To whoever it may concern.

I have just read your ‘Tips for taking on DSS tenants’ and I am fuming!

Me and my husband claim DSS as he has just lost his job and as he is in trade he is finding it hard to find another!

We have 2 small children so I can’t go to work as we can’t afford childcare, but when there both in school I will go back to work!

My husband has been a joiner for 17 year so this is a massive blow for him and his pride!

I am disgraced that you have said all DSS tenants are irresponsible and we all take the piss!

Well I have news for you, some people don’t want to claim DSS but we have to to keep a roof over our childrens heads!

People like you need to be knocked down a couple of notches and find out just how hard it is for us to live day to day!

I agree with you on 1 thing though you are just a ‘simple landlord!’

Katie.

Why is this psycho “fuming”?

Even though I just answered my own question, I’m still compelled to ask some vital questions that may help me understand the situation a little better. I don’t like things I don’t understand, and to say I don’t understand the reasoning behind Katie’s email is an understatement of epic proportions.

After I pissed my pants and recovered from the initial giggling fit the email generated, I asked myself, “What did I actually say in the ‘Tips for taking on DSS tenants’ blog post that was so offensive to DSS tenants?” – because I didn’t have a clue, but I was certain I never said any of the things she claimed.

I’ve written hundreds of brilliant blog posts over the years, so I can’t remember the exact content of them all from memory. But if the post title was any reflection of the content (it usually is, go figure), then there was my reason to be unsure of Katie’s irrational sentiments. If anything, that was one of my more positive blog posts about DSS tenants. She would haver probably had a nosebleed and passed out if she got her grubby little mitts onto my FACT: Landlords Refusing DSS Tenants Is Well Justified blog post. I’m inclined to believe that she was already at the brink of self-destruction, consequently needed someone innocent and beautiful to relieve her frustration over in the form of bullshit. But I wanted to make sure.

I quickly navigated to the blog post in question, Tips for taking on DSS tenants, and read over what I had written. If you can’t muster up the energy to read the post (don’t worry, I probably wouldn’t care enough if I were you), here is a summary…

Summery of the catalyst

Source: Tips for taking on DSS tenants

I mention how I don’t have a problem with DSS tenants, but I do have a problem with how the Government have designed a system which makes life difficult for any landlord that takes on DSS tenants. No, it’s not the DSS tenants (for the most part), it’s the system that isn’t functioning! And, in order for any landlord that is considering taking on DSS Tenants to stand the best chance against the system, they should be aware of a few elements.

Then I proceed to provide several tips to help landlords with DSS tenants. Some of the tips include, finding out the tenants rental history, ‘how’ and ‘if’ the DSS tenant can realistically pay the rent, and also for landlords to request their housing benefit to get paid directly to the landlord (it often goes to the tenant, who is then expected to pay the landlord).

I end the blog post by saying this,

DSS tenants are ultimately like any other tenants, they both come in all shapes and sizes, and there’s a few rotten apples amongst all. However, there are just a few extra aspects landlords should know when taking on a DSS tenant. Don’t get me wrong, taking on DSS tenants can be extremely fruitful; I know a lot of landlords have no problems with taking on DSS tenants.

I will say one thing though, if the Government tightens up their system by offering landlords a better service, they’d be a hell of a lot more people willing to accept DSS tenants.

So, the question has to be asked, why is this semi-evolved, shit-throwing chimp “fuming”? I said DSS tenants are as worthy as any other tenant. I don’t think there was any negative light thrown onto tenants receiving benefits.

“I am disgraced that you have said all DSS tenants are irresponsible and we all take the piss!”

While this fruitcake was sitting there disgraced and hyperventilating like a moron over something I never said, I was sitting there, equally like a moron, scratching my arse in a state of confusion.

I’ve NEVER said what she suggested (read the blog post if you don’t believe me), but Katie still managed to make me question my own beliefs. I know for a fact I would NEVER have said anything like she implied because I 100% don’t think all DSS tenants are the same, yet she wrote her email with such conviction that it lead me to reread my blog post 4 times over just to make sure there was no truth in her words.

After repeatedly soaking myself in my blog post, it was obvious she didn’t read what was written in front of her, and her imagination went into autopilot and decided to waste my time and abuse the amount of memory my inbox is limited to. Science can learn a lot from someone that stupid. On that basis, I’m “fuming” – the tables have turned. I should be the one sending her hate mail smeared with feces.

“People like you need to be knocked down a couple of notches and find out just how hard it is for us to live day to day!”

I’m sure Katie is right, but what in God’s name would that prove/resolve (even if I did say all DSS tenants are scum bags)? I’m not denying the difficulty of anyone’s life, and I never have. In fact, I can very well imagine – given Katie’s proven intelligence – that her day-to-day life is a bloody nightmare. I imagine simple tasks like ciphering the difference between her strap-on and her husband’s penis is like a Krypton Factor challenge (I actually have no idea why I said that. I think I need sleep).

Point is though, wanting my life to get tougher so I can relate to her life has nothing to do with anything.

Final thoughts

I’m so bored of DSS tenants lunging at me because they didn’t bother properly reading what I wrote. Katie isn’t the first, and she won’t be the last. I’m bored of their premature statements like, “You should try living my life”- WHY should I? What is that going to change? Am I going to suddenly not-write what I already haven’t written, which you think I’ve written?

Some people, Katie for example, actually make it transparent to understand why some people receive benefits. I’m sorry, but when someone demonstrates how irrational and incompetent they are, they’re automatically showing me why they’re in the situation they’re in.

I genuinely don’t have the patience for people like Katie. If someone doesn’t agree with my opinion, they’re probably wrong, but that’s no justification for senselessly conjuring up scenarios because they’re too angry/lazy/stupid/ignorant to understand what’s written in front of them, and then argue over phantom “she said’s” and “he said’s”

Although Katie’s email contained zero credibility when it came to her “facts”, her apparent struggle was heart-warming and it’s something I never want to personally experience. That’s exactly why I’ve set up a charity, which I’ve named, “The united fight against being a benefit claimant.” All proceedings will support my lifestyle and ensure I never become a benefit claimant.

Please dig deep and donate generously to this worthy cause (the button actually works). Anyone that donates £2 or more will get an honourable shout out in this blog post. Anyone that donates £40 or more will receive a backlink in this post!

Right, I’m done. I’m off to go DSS bashing- that’s when I launch heavy, thick wads of £50 notes at DSS tenants until they’re knocked unconscious.

The Simple Landlord.

Related posts:

Funny Shit Friday – DSS Tenant Demands Apology, But Walks Away With I.T Advice
Estate Agent Walks Into Property And Takes Viewings Without Notifying Tenant
Interview With The Angry HIP Consultant

What a dramatic week, aye, guys?

The catalyst of the drama…

I receive one link from the House Price Crash forum and suddenly it’s like Mars Attacks around this gaff. Albeit, there is no such thing as bad publicity. I just hope some of them (even the ugly ones) convert into regular readers. That would be so bloody awesome!

Why the drama started…

To think, all this bloodshed and tears because I said I don’t like tenants putting gaping holes in walls and because I think My Tenant Lacks Compassion And Has No Soul because he didn’t offer to help me carry a washing machine into my van when he saw I was clearly struggling. Crickey. Admittedly, I still think I’m in the right for disliking tenants putting unnecessarily big holes in the walls (even when I say it out loud, I still can’t believe people thought I was in the wrong for that), and for thinking my tenant is an idiot for not helping, so nothing has really changed *ducks for cover*

Missed the drama?

For those who missed the drama and give a damn, you can catch-up by reading the blog posts linked above. If you’ve scheduled a few hours out of your day to sit bone-idle and scratch your arse, reading the chaos might be a good alternative. However, if you have anything remotely enjoyable to do and/or don’t fancy watching hormonal monkeys aimlessly argue for the sake of arguing, it’s probably not worth it.

Who’s to blame?

To be honest, I’m still not entirely sure if the stampede wasn’t orchestrated by the teen members from over at the Nickelodeon Kids Forum as a joke. HPC may have just been strategically planted as the scapegoat. If that’s the case, I apologise to all the members from over at HPC, and I curse at the Nickelodeon kids! Stupid fucking kids.

It’s just difficult to accept that a group of adults would passionately argue over something so stupid. Heck, I wrote the blog post, I complained about holes in the walls, and even I know how stupid arguing over it is. If I saw someone else’s blog post, “I don’t mind if my tenants puts holes in walls”- not even the last urge in my body would tell me to argue that opinion.

The lows of the drama…

Unfortunately, the arguing in itself wasn’t the low. It was the fact that people made aggressive comments on a subject without reading the facts first. In short, I supplied my tenants with curtain rails, which I did clearly mention. However, the pictures I supplied show the walls WITHOUT curtain rails, so several (yes, literally several) people muttered, “what kind of landlord doesn’t supply curtain rails?” *slaps forehead with a gigantic dildo* It’s really simple, you READ a blog. This isn’t a comic book.

Unbelievably, the situation got even stranger when people transformed the debates onto issues like house prices, inflation, bad bankers, and landlords being responsible for the doom and gloom..etc. Guys, seriously?

I’m not going to spend too much time discussing the individuals that actually tried to get involved in the debate by highlighting my grammatical errors- because they’re probably hated by their own team. However, I do apologise that I used “my friend and me” instead of “my friend and I” – I do see your point, that really did clear up the whole tenant/holes/walls issue. Thank you, you absolute cu*ts.

Forgiveness. Friendship. Love.

It literally was like “Mars Attacks” meets “Planet of the Apes” There was definitely something monkey’ish and absurd about the entire affair. However, I hope we can call truce, let bygones be bygones and sing Kum-ba-yah together. I said some things in the heat of the moment which I shouldn’t have, and I know a lot of you said some unbelievably brain-numbingly stupid things, so let’s just forgive and forget.

Anyhow, to end the week on a high, I’m going to show you guys an email I received during all the commosion:

i hate landlords

i hate the fact that you are the main cause property goes up and are taking away peoples estates and empires just so you can fool yourself into thinking your doing something beneficial in society.

i think your a third rate human

i want to buy a house in a particular area but they are all owned by landlords, i can show this by looking at rightmoves corresponding for sale and to let sections. this makes me really angry. i believe buyers should have the automatic right to buy from greedy evil landlords like yourself.

i hope you wind up dying slowly haunted by all your wrong doings in an endless chain of waking nightmares.

There you have it, the Lord has spoketh. That’s courtesy of a “Mr Brown”

Anyways, as entertaining as this has all been, I hope it’s back to business next week. Hopefully I’ll be able to churn out some useful blog posts. Don’t hold your breath, though.

Hope you all have an enjoyable weekend.

P.s. big shout out to those that supported me through the drama (you all know who you are). I’ve got nothing but love for you thugs.

Related posts:

How Low Is Your Mortgage Interest Rate?
I Have A Fixed Rate Mortgage
Coming To The End Of Your Fixed Rate Mortgage Period?

Sophie basically requested for me to remove a particular article from my website because it personally offended her. On a sidenote, if I removed every article that offended someone, this website would be an empty shell. Sad, but bloody true.

In the past, I’ve had two people requesting the banishment of particular articles. Actually, wasn’t so much of a request, it was more of a, “remove the articles or we’ll take you to court” deal. They claimed the shit I was saying was libel and affecting their business. While I didn’t agree with their claims, I understood WHY they wanted me to remove the particular articles. Unfortunately, I couldn’t understand the request in question today…

The Bitch (My Tenant) Finally Paid Her Rent

Please remove this article from your website. It shows a terrible relationship between a landlord and a tenant. I’m really offended that a property website can let a landlord call his tenant “The Bitch”

Just to clarify, my ex-tenant IS a bitch. That was no lie.

The article was meant to show a terrible relationship between a landlord and tenant because that’s exactly what it was, a terrible f’ing situation. I’m glad I got my point across.

I genuinely hope my ex-tenant is curled up in a dark alley somewhere, with a needle sticking out of her arse, and an oversized dildo exploding out of her nostrils.

My ex-tenant did the following:

• Didn’t pay rent for 2 months
• Received Housing Benefits (which was meant to pay her rent)
• Ignored my phone calls
• Intentionally wanted me to evict her so she could get a council house ASAP
• Constantly lied
• Constantly made excuses

Now, if that doesn’t justify me calling my tenant a bitch, I don’t know what does. Most landlords that has to endure that kind of bullshit from a tenant would also agree, I’m confident about that.

My main concern is that there are decent and unfortunate people out there that deserve benefits, and scum-bags like her are not doing any of those people any favours at all. It’s already extremely difficult for DSS tenants to find accommodation, and she’s only making it more difficult for decent DSS tenants to get housing.

I’m not convinced Sophie actually read the article, or the related articles, but if she did… she’s a cock for telling me to remove it. I still feel inclined to believe that she only read the “title” of the article, hence her unjustified email.

Sophie shouldn’t take it upon herself to feel offended by the attack I made against my tenant because it wasn’t a generalised attack against tenants, it was a very targeted and very specific attack, hence why the title of the article says, “My Tenant”. The article isn’t representing all tenant/landlord relationships.

I’m surprised I even have to spoon-feed people this kind of shit because it’s self-implied that this is my blog and I document MY experiences with my tenants.

So, if Sophie or any other reader wants to carry the burden of feeling offended by that article, that’s their own personal psychological demon.

Related posts:

The Bitch (My Tenant) Received Her Eviction Notice- She’s Not Happy
Another Day, Another Bullshit Call From An Estate Agent
My Friend’s Landlord Is A Rude Bitch And Her Tenancy Agreement Is Junk

Since the property market started sagging like your Nan’s tits I’ve had an influx of smug shit-for-brains emailing me and leaving me comments about the unfortunate situation I must be in. While I appreciate everyones concern (as facetious as the concerns are), it’s genuinely starting to affect my work rate, which is not cool. I find myself having to wait longer for my emails to download, which in turn means I have to spend longer separating the “shit” from the “good”. The comments were humourous and entertaining at first, but due to the increase in volume, my work rate has suffered due to these logs of excrement clogging up my routine.

The other day I had this one particular chap trying to convince me that it’s “financial suicide to attempt to make money in property“, which self-implies that he’s accusing me (and every other investor) of making a loss. That’s a pretty bold statement from someone that has no clue to what my accounts look like. Granted, I think that it’s a lot tougher to make cash in this current economic climate, but I don’t think everyone is losing out- I’m living proof of that.

Here’s the core of his comments:

your an idiot.

As Joe Kennedy famously said “When the Shoe shine boy is giving you stock tips, sell!” Similar situation with yourself.

Good blog though. Gave me much amusement, especially now. It will allow young educated people such as myself who deserve a home to do so, rather than morons like yourself getting involved in a business you know nothing about.

I own a property myself outright, so have little to worry about.

If you are in a steady, highly paid job, im sure interest rate hikes wont bother you too much but in a bear market like we are in now, its financial suicide to attempt to make money in property.

50 billion injection to the financial market & .5% knocked off interest rates still led to a 5.25% fall in the FTSE today. The rate of decline in property prices has not even begun to flatten yet (look at the stats). Do you not think that, perhaps your days are numbered?

I will refer you to a graph which has been repeated through-out history, from the Dutch poppies of the 16th century to the Great Depression in the 20th, and everything in between.

http://www.housepricecrash.co.uk/graphs-bubble-lifecycle.php

From reading your blog, it would be safe to say you got in on the boom in the ‘Delusion’ stage.

john

He sounds like a smug little shit, don’t he? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Firstly, here is John’s email address: removed.
I get a lot of spammers scraping my site, so hopefully his email address will now be piled up amongst the millions of others in the animal-porn mailing list.

I initially laughed because, “your an idiot.” was followed by ” It will allow young educated people such as myself”. I loath self-proclaimed intelligence, it’s cringe-worthy.

The second thing I noticed was that he linked me to some junk on HousePriceCrash.co.uk (I didn’t even bother clicking on the link). It was clear that I was dealing with a HPC fanatic at this point (The House Price Crash (HPC) Community Are Crazy), so it was apparent there was no sense in trying to have a decent conversation with the guy. I tried to explain that I’m actually profiting from being a Landlord, but my words were landing on deaf ears, which meant he thought he knew more about my life than I did. It was pretty bizarre in an insane kind of way.

Me: I invest in property.
Stranger: You must be losing money.
Me: No, I’m not.
Stranger: Yes, you are. I know you are.
Me: Ok.

The third thing I noticed was that John initially said, “It will allow young educated people such as myself who deserve a home to do so“, then he said “I own a property myself outright, so have little to worry about.” Slightly contradicting; I’m guessing John still lives at home with his parents, but fabricated a story to seem more badass than he actually is.

Anyways…
I just want to make it clear that just because the market is sliding, it doesn’t mean that everyone is losing out (am I the only one that thinks that’s a no-brainier?). And it certainly doesn’t mean that making money in property is ruled out- it’s still feasible. Yes, back in the day any old fool could make money from property, but now is the time when the real investor’s come out to play. A lot of fools are still profiting because they purchased at the right time (maybe I’m one of them?). Hey, perhaps John is right, and I actually know nothing about the business. But who cares? I’m in a good position, whether that’s down to skill or good fortune is another matter. I still know a lot of landlords snapping up bargains, and I certainly wouldn’t discourage the notion!

I actually took into consideration a slowdown before I purchased property, consequently I purchased properties significantly below market value, with high rental yield. I have repayment mortgages and put down large deposits. I was actually able to increase rent because of the current climate. I’m pretty safe.

I invested for the long term, so in 10 years time I’ll have cleared most of my mortgage debt. I’m not saying my plan is 100% fool-proof, but it’s pretty solid, and I don’t see myself struggling in the immediate future.

So now that’s all cleared up, perhaps the doom and gloomers can stop harassing me with inaccurate accusations.

Right, I’ve had my little cry up. Wa wa waaa!

Related posts:

I’m Bored Of Painting Over Bad Taste And Moudly Shit
Funny Shit Friday – DSS Tenant Demands Apology, But Walks Away With I.T Advice
The Shit I Hate About Being A Landlord

“Hi
I’ve been reading through your site and I’m sitting here laughing to myself because all your efforts will be pointless when the property crash comes and cleans you out. Doesn’t that bother you the fact you will have nothing left and the fact you are giving people false hope? Dont you feel guilty for encouraging other innocent people from going bankrupt like you?
Ron”

Fuck you, Ron, you blubbering little shit-bag. Only joking. Now, seriously…

The thing is, in your twisted little world you probably think you’re a real slick rabbit; sitting in your parents’ basement, dribbling out a futile email to a random chump like me. While I’m flattered, I’m also clouded by the despair in humanity.

You know why I don’t get people like you (excuse me while I rant about your psychological condition, before directly talking property)? It’s because you want people to fail; you enjoy other people’s misery. I have no problem with people wanting the property market to slowdown so people can jump onboard the property bandwagon. But the problem is I’ve also noticed a new breed of degenerates, such as yourself, that are enjoying the demise of the property boom because it’s dragging down a lot of people that wanted to prosper through property. You’re not necessarily enjoying the property slowdown in its self. And that, my friend, is a very sad state of mind to be in.

You’ve evidently got this all wrong. I’m tired of people slinging random gunk at me, hoping it will fly and stick. Well, guess what, homie, your gunk doesn’t fly nor stick.

For the umpteenth time, I’m in this property game for the long-term. I’ve written that disclaimer all over my site, so forgive me while I question if you read any of my blog articles at all, as you claimed to have. A property crash won’t hinder my long-term master plan. If I plant a seed, I don’t expect to see a tree the next day.

I’m not living under a rock, I know there are plenty of investors out there that are suffering due to the turn in the market. Some people purchased the wrong property, some people took out God awful mortgages, and others, well, they just didn’t have a clue what they were doing. However, I’m not suffering from any form of negative equity or financial strain, so spare me! For now, I’m flying high with a permanent erection.

And hey, don’t bring the whole “you’re encouraging people to blah blah blah” crap to the table. You can’t blame me for other peoples actions, just as much as we can’t handcuff a violent computer game because little Bobby shot someone in the neck. I’m bored of you parasites suffocating me with inaccurate negativity.

Ron, my tip to you would be to embrace humanity more positively; it will enhance your Karma and take you to great places. Then, save up 10k, put down a 10% deposit on a 90k property, and get a tenant to pay off your repayment mortgage. In 12 years time you’ll be laughing and thanking me for responding to your shitty little email with my words of wisdom.

Related posts:

Why Do People Appear On Property Ladder?
Long Term Investors Shouldn’t Fear A Crash
Eager To Invest In Property, But No Suitable Property For Sale

Ok, here’s the oddest thing you’ll ever hear in your life; apparently me and my property projects aren’t entirely appreciated by the general public. Yeah, I know, I’m also finding it hard to believe that someone, let alone a group of people, could possibly hold any hostility against me and my projects. Regardless, due to a small batch (and I do mean small) of hate mail, i’ve decided to go public. Why? Well, for a few reasons, but mainly so I can rant and rave like a madman, which is what I love to do.

Right, so let’s kick it off by publishing my most recent hate mail. This email arrived on the 1st of April, from a cock that goes by the alias Inbreda.

Errmmmmm…. not sure of the accuracy of your web page here: House Price Crash (HPC) Website Mentality given the fact that it is not actually possible to post those words on HPC, and although it may have seemed like a prudent thing to advertise in October, maybe to avoid people laughing at you it might be an idea not to be so abusive given that the uk has just experienced its 6th month of consecutive house price falls and the US is in dire straits. Maybe you could just retitle your site to “Documenting one man’s journey to losing a million by leveraging through property”

Charming, right? It’s not like I didn’t expect some form of retaliation by expressing my opinion on the HPC clan. However, I expect something of better quality. Is that too much to ask?

I know for a fact that this particular cock is a House Price Crash regular, so that probably explains why she’s butthurt by my brilliant comic sketches and my success with property :) Firstly, what I drew was a comic sketch based on HPC antics. Operative term being “comic sketch”- they’re meant to be facetious, not literal. I can only imagine that you’re a senile old twat, Inbreda; that’s the only justification I can conjure up to explain this particular line:

“not sure of the accuracy of your web page here: House Price Crash (HPC) Website Mentality given the fact that it is not actually possible to post those words on HPC”

Which words are you forbidden to use on HPC exactly? The words “positive equity” and “property boom”? Actually, who cares which words? I’m sorry my “comic sketches” weren’t accurate word-for-word. Heaven Forbid. Urgh, talk about a jobsworth.

to avoid people laughing at you it might be an idea not to be so abusive given that the uk has just experienced its 6th month of consecutive house price falls

People on HPC have been sitting on that site for YEARS predicting and hoping for a property crash in the UK. I’m still laughing at that. You can’t predict a crash for 5 years and then claim victory when a small dip in the market surfaces. Just for clarification, there is a difference between a price correction and an outright crash. On that note, I’ll continue to masturbate to my positive equity until an actual mother-of-a-crash rocks my world, thanks. For the record, I’m in no way implying a crash won’t occur, or am I denying that the UK is feeling the ripples of an erupting property crash. I’m just saying it’s too early to call black, black.

It’s already apparent you’re a great fan of accuracy. So renaming my slogan (it’s my site slogan, not title, as you stated) to, “Documenting one man’s journey to losing a million by leveraging through property“, as you suggested, wouldn’t be all that accurate. I’ve purchased properties that were significantly under market value, which had high rental returns. I have repayment mortgages, which is more than covered by my rental return; in 15 years time my mortgages will be non-existant. I can realistically take a 35% hit right now, and i’d still be in positive equity. I’ve invested in property for the long-term investment, not the short term. If you look at historical data, you’ll see that it’s pretty damn unlikely i’ll lose a buck, let alone a million. Even the people that purchased at the climax of the previous boom suffered a crash, and for those that kept hold of their property are now quids in. So please, spare me.

I tell you what, if I lose “a million” after 10 years, I promise i’ll let you remove that stick which is firmly wedged in your anal-passage, so you can use it as a tool to spank me with. I’ll make sure I won’t enjoy it, I promise.

Related posts:

People Are Laughing At Property Investors Right Now Ha Ha
Be Careful Of Property Associations
What Are The Signs Of An Approaching Property Crash?