My Tenant Is A Lazy, Worthless, Greasy Kebab
Ok, so remember the other day when I was talking about how my tenant was vacating, and how it was difficult for me to take viewings because of his shit-crazy taste in furniture? You guys remember, right? Well, you also may remember that I said besides from his alien grasp of interior design, he was generally a clean tenant. Well, scratch that noise, forget I said that bullshit. He’s actually a lazy, filthy, cheesy, shit-stained greasy kebab!
My tenant moved out over the weekend just gone, so I got to see the property as an empty shell for the first time in over 8 months. That’s when it all became clear! It wasn’t that my tenant had sinful taste at all; those awful props (furniture) were just there to distract me from the truth. He was basically Derren Brown in disguise, playing mind tricks!
Here are pictures of the truth (oh, and believe me, these pictures do no justice to how much of a filthy beast he really is)…
Shit stained carpet
Dusty carpet/skirting board
More shit stained carpet
Shit stained kitchen floor, caked with grease, plus a stroke of highlighter pen for spice
The dude must have cooked in this oven for 8 months without cleaning it once!
More greasy oven
Tiles above the cooker – those speckles are NOT part of the design on the tiles, they’re greasy kebab blobs
Shit stained wall
Pubes left in the bath for me to scoop up with my tongue
Apparently my tenant had a fetish for wiping his arse on everything besides from toilet paper! And like I said, the pictures don’t highlight how thick and prominent the grease/dirt around the property is. The kitchen is pretty unbearable; the units, front & back door, windows, tiles and floor is coated with thick grease.
Don’t get me wrong, he never trashed the place or anything, and I know it could have been a lot worse. Most of this shit can be wiped clean with industrial strength kebab-grease killer. But still, it’s just fucking gross how someone can live like that. It was apparent he never cleaned the house once. What makes it worse is that the guy is a doctor. Urgh. You’d like to think hygiene would be on top of his seedy little agenda.
Bear in mind that the entire house was professionally cleaned, provided with new carpets, new oven and fresh paint, and that’s how he left it.
Firstly, I’d be too embarrassed for anyone else to see me living like that. Secondly, if I didn’t clean the entire time I lived there (which he clearly never), I would have enough courtesy and too much pride not to make an exception for when I moved out. Thirdly, before vacating a property, checking for loose pubes and skid marks down the toilet is human nature, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought, too.
Seriously, some people have no shame. Fortunately, I’m getting the place professionally cleaned this weekend on his expense. Thank God for deposits.
For those wondering, I put his pubes in a jar, which now resides next to my bed. Oh, and…
This whole incident is just a reminder of why it’s important to:
- 1) have a Tenancy Agreement in place
- 2) do a thorough Inventory Form.
- 3) secure the tenant’s deposit into a Tenancy Deposit Scheme.
Fortunately I did all of the above, so I live to fight another day. Or in my case, another grease-ball tenant.
On a complete sidenote, know what makes me laugh? In America they spell it Kebob and pronounce it Keeebob. That always cracks me up.
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