The Estate Agent That Wouldn’t Stop Shouting!

Disclaimer: This blog post isn’t going to benefit anyone but myself. The only reason I’m even writing it is because my best friend often reads my blog and I’m hoping he discovers it.

And actually, despite what the title implies, this story probably says more about my inappropriate and childish sense of humour rather than anything else.

Anyways, I shall begin.

My best friend, let’s call him Trevor, recently came into a bit of money and he’s now looking to buy his first property. Good for him.

When we started discussing how his property hunt was unfolding, he mentioned that he had viewed a few properties and even made an offer on one. As the discussion progressed, I asked him which Estate Agency he was using. Turned out it’s an agency I’ve had dealings with in the past, so I asked him what the name of his agent.

Before he disclosed his name, he couldn’t have praised the agent more. After his eyes eventually stopped rolling at the back of his head, he managed to mutter his name.

Ah, a familiar name. I knew the guy, but not through my dealings with the estate agency. In fact, he wasn’t even an estate agent when I knew him, he was a bum that sloshed around on a sofa all day, playing computer games and eating kebabs, while his girlfriend funded his lifestyle. He had a seemingly good life, I wonder what went so terribly wrong?

I used to be good friend’s with his girlfriend (we’ll call her Jasmine), which was a reality the agent didn’t really appreciate at the time.

Being the understanding and jovial character that I am, I totally understood why he had hostility towards me. It simply boiled down to basic maths. I had a flourishing career while he had nothing to do but get his game controller greasy with congealed kebab fat. I was less than half his size, while he resembled a human jacket potato.

One day Jasmine was at my house because I was helping her out with some work. During one of our many breaks, she logged onto her Facebook to check recent activity. While I was sat next to her, I took over the keyboard and changed her status to “[insert her name] is doing [insert my name].”

I don’t even know why I did it! It wasn’t particularly funny, I just did it, and we just laughed it off.

Literally within 10 seconds of updating her status, her phone started blowing up. Obviously, it was him.

She picked up, and I could instantly hear him frantically screaming down the phone like someone had pried open his hands and snatched his kebab away from him. He was literally going into meltdown, asking her why that was her status.

Her response was, “He was just messing around, it wasn’t anything serious”

He then asked to talk to me, so she passed the phone over.

Okay, great.

*slaps forehead* The feeling of regret slowly started to creep in at this point.

I put him on loud speaker while he instantly redirected his rage onto me. Literally, at the top of his voice, he kept enquiring why I updated her status and where I lived! Over and over again…

WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHY? WHERE DO YOU LIVE? WHY?

Oh man, what a classic! It took me back to childhood.

He insisted I should meet him face-to-face like a man.

I’m not sure what was going on in his head (or if anything at all?), but in a bizarre turn in events, he quickly stopped talking about a face-to-face duel, but instead started informing me how well endowed is compared to me. No, he had never seen my penis, from what I was aware. But to be fair, I wasn’t doubting him.

In any case, I had no idea what was going on, or why he had taken the conversation in this direction. One minute he was asking me why I updated Jasmine’s status, then he was telling me to meet him, next he started discussing his penis.

Did he hate me or want to fuck me?

Funny thing was, he was shouting so much that he was exhausting himself; his speech started to slowdown and become less coherent as he was gasping for air, it was almost as if he was running out of battery. But he didn’t seem phased, he just kept going. Loudly.

All I kept saying was, “Calm down, it was a joke!”

Unsurprisingly, that just fuelled his rage. Never tell a mad man to calm down!

I have genuinely never heard anyone reach such high decibels for so long, repeating the same words, and for no worthwhile reason. He must have shouted for approx 10 minutes non-stop.

I literally became concerned for his health, so I ended up putting the phone down just to put him out of his misery, because I don’t think he would have ever stopped. I’m pretty sure he would have keeled over and died of exhaustion before ending the conversation. You could say I saved my best friend’s agent’s life!

It wasn’t surprising that Jasmine left in a hurry shortly after, most likely due to embarrassment.

In hindsight, my biggest regret: failing to record the damn thing. Sadly, my limited abilities will never be able to articulate what actually happened, specifically how outraged he was.

After I shared my experience with Trevor, he laughed and said… “Yeah, he’s still a top bloke!”

Moral of the story? Trevor’s agent can shout relentlessly for long durations.