I did NOT accept rent in the form of sex. I just want to make that clear in case anyone read the title of this blog post and dived into it with a box of Kleenex, a pot of Vaseline and an erection, with the expectation of having their virtual fantasy fulfilled. This ain’t that kind of place. Today.

This will probably be the first time I’m going to significantly weave my personal life into one of my blog posts, so this is a bit of a revelation for me; it probably means fuck all to you, because, you know, why would it? But hey, I thought what the hell, why don’t I give this “bonding” thing a spin. Let’s bond.

I’ve almost definitely vaguely mentioned that I’m a bitch-magnet in the realms of my reality (operative words, “my reality”), so multitudes of questionable women are often drifting in and out of my life, but I’ve never directly tied my sex life into one of my posts before. Allow me to commence.

So, I was recently dating this girl (I say “was” because we’re no longer kicking it like Beyonce and Jay-Z), whom I shall refer to as “Bambi” for the sake of keeping this blog post as seedy as possible. Bambi and I managed to reach that healthy point in our relationship where we were both comfortable enough to rendezvous without applying our eye-liner and fake eyelashes. She even felt comfortable enough to unclip her hair-extensions from her scalp and toss them onto the floor like cigarette butts before dropping off to sleep. As for my quirky little comforts; I was comfortable enough to dry my penis into her bedsheets after intercourse so I didn’t have to make that dreaded walk to the bathroom to wipe my tools down with toilet-paper. That said, we weren’t “exclusively dating”, but I think we had an unspoken rule where we weren’t meant to engage in intimate situations with other people. If that was the case, I’m pretty certain I stuck to the deal, minus a few drunken mishaps. Being human is tough, especially when you’re a nymphomaniac equipped with the mother of all chat-up lines, “I have a landlord blog, and people actually read it” Ahh the power of success, it’s magnificent.

While I’m dating, or “courting”, if you will, I try to avoid discussing my involvement with property. Reason being is dead simple- outside the confinement of my blog, I find the topic mundane and pointless, because we could be undressing one another with our teeth and fucking instead. Only joking. I meant “making-love”

For whatever reason, I remember briefly mentioning to Bambi that I had a few properties that I rent out at the beginning of our short-lived relationship. I can’t remember why the issue cropped up in conversation, but it did. Regardless, a few months down the line from the conversation, we were still enjoying one another’s company; I liked her, and she probably liked me a little more. It was a good deal.

As Bambi’s life started to develop and fall victim to the reality that is “change”, she suddenly found herself in a position where she would shortly require a property to rent. She was currently residing with her parents, but they were due to sell up ship out of the country. That’s when she hit me with the inevitable questions 1) Have I currently got any vacant properties? 2) If so, could she rent a room? I’d never been put in that situation before.

Awkward. Very awkward. Suddenly my erection had the stability of a freshly baked pretzel.

I don’t even permit the sharing of my toothbrush, so allowing Bambi to rent a room from me was out of the question. I’m actually surprised I didn’t have a nose bleed when the question was posed. I definitely felt dizzy and light-headed at the time.

It’s nothing personal, but as a landlord, I choose not to rent out to friends, family or especially lovers! I personally think it’s a no-brainer, and you’d be mad to do it. However, I know many landlords that do. It’s just something I can’t afford to do; not financially, but emotionally. Well, maybe also financially. I’d probably end up accepting payments in the form of unorthodox sexual positions if I was renting a property to someone I had an intimate relationship with.

My response to Bambi was, “I don’t mix business with pleasure” It was a light hearted conversation, but she was dead serious about renting from me. She persistantly kept nudging me and saying, “Goooo on”, while innocently glancing into my eyes and rubbing her chapped nipples with ice-cubes (I may have fabricated the latter). Perhaps the story would have ended a little differently if she did do that. I wonder.

The issue kept cropping into conversation every so often, but I wasn’t budging. However, I did offer my assistance, by offering to view some properties with her. Unfortunately, she wasn’t too keen on that idea as she didn’t think it was any consolation. I think her exact words were, “I don’t need fucking help looking at properties; anyone can do that, I can do that on my own. Just give me one of your rooms!” She had a point. The answer was still no. So I got off the hook of helping her find a room as well.

Ahh the joys of a healthy relationship. I know what you’re all wondering, “did she still put out?” The answer is, yes, of course.

So that’s my little story. There’s no real point or moral, just the mutters of a sexually active landlord that refuses to mix business with pleasure. Just wondering, as a landlord, would you let your property to a friend, family member or lover? Anyone have any positive/negative experience in this particular area?

I’m going to part with some words of wisdom. Wrap it up, before you smack it up.

Related posts:

Rent Arrear Reminder Form
Notice Of Rent Increase Form – Section 13
Taking In Lodgers- ‘Rent-A-Room’ Scheme

Holy shit, this has been the longest period of time I’ve gone without publishing a post. It’s almost been a month. What’s my excuse? I’ve been sunning myself in various locations around the globe. Alas, it’s back to reality now, and what a landfill of diarrhea it is.

Naively, I had genuine intentions of sitting under an umbrella, tapping away on my laptop and unleashing a few posts. Reality was, I ended up laying there with my shades on while drooling over exotic women and tucking my erection under the elastic waist band of my swim shorts. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted; I’m back now, doing what I do, and how I usually do it…

While I was away I had a few tedious interactions with one of my tenants. I don’t know what I did that was so terrible in my past, but for some reason Karma has deemed it appropriate for my tenant’s to always become problematic during my annual leave. Typical.

Admittedly, my problem is, I analyse every-fucking-thing. Not just analyse, but I over-analyse. Most normal people probably wouldn’t even get phased by the following, but my mind just logged it all, and drowned in frustration, so-much-so, that I’ve decided to regurgitate my ‘orrible little list of frustrations and Hollywood it up like a Diva.

Schedule of events that irritated me

• 1) Tenant was due to pay rent 4 days before I was set to leave the country. I silently waited until my day of departure (I figured 4 days was a generous amount of time for him to get his act together). He failed to deposit the funds. Mistake number 1.
• 2) On the morning of my departure, I text my tenant enquiring when rent would be paid. That’s mistake number 2. I shouldn’t have had to initiate the conversation. He knew rent was due, and he knew perfectly well he didn’t pay it. He should have contacted me first; I had given him 4 days to come crawling on his knees.

  If I was in his position, I would have contacted the landlord first and supplied him with whatever sorry excuse I had managed to construde from out of my arse, and then told him when it would be paid. But I guess that’s the difference between someone with decency and an inconsiderate skidmark that enjoys sucking the blood out of innocent and beautiful people.

• 3) It took him 48 hours to respond to my text message. There we go, mistake number 3. It shouldn’t take someone 48 hours to respond to a text message, especially when it’s about something relatively important.

  If my tenants need extra time to pay rent, i’m perfectly fine with that. Just let me know so I don’t waste my precious time waiting and chasing.

  In his text he apologised and said he was paid late by his employer, and would pay me the next day. He said he would notify me with a confirmation text. At this point I was on my holiday in the Far East so I didn’t want to think about work, and also, texting back and forth was now an expensive delicacy. Either way, I responded and told him that was fine.

• 4) Next day had come and gone and I was still waiting for his confirmation. Mistake number 5.
• 5) Even though I didn’t receive any correspondence from the mute, I checked my bank online to see if he managed to pay rent. To my surprise, he paid £500. However, rent is £775. Mistake number 6. He didn’t pay the entire amount, and didn’t even bother informing me he was short.
• 6) 24 hours later, I’m laying on a beach texting my tenant, enquiring why the entire rent wasn’t paid. Mistake number 7 & 8; once again he had forced me to initiate a conversation he should have started, but more crucially, he had forced me to deduct time from my perving parade so I was able to chase him for rent. I told him rent was short (like the mute shit-for-brains didn’t know!), and asked him to tell me when the remaining balance could be settled.
• 7) Another 24 hours past and I was still dealing with a mute. Again, I decided to check my account online. Amazingly, he had deposited the remaining £275. So after 10 days of being in arrears, he had paid his rent. But again, there had been no correspondence from him (even until now). He was obviously receiving my texts. Weird.

I’m not even sure what the point of this blog post is. But I think it has something to do with the following:

• I wanted to explain why I haven’t been posting as much recently.
• I’m a reasonable guy. I don’t mind if my tenants need extra time to pay rent (as long as it doesn’t become a habit), but be bloody courteous and let me know what is going on. Moreover, don’t ignore my texts and say you’re going to contact me when you’re not.
• The combination of ignoring my texts and paying in unorthodox amounts without informing me became tedious.
• Tenants always seem to become problematic when I’m on annual leave.

So, on that note, has anyone else recently been irritated by their tenant or landlord? If so, let’s here it!

For those wondering, yes, I had a fabulous time, and it’s truly disgusting being back! x

Related posts:

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List of Websites Where Landlords Can Find Tenants For FREE

What is a Tenant Guarantor?

A “Guarantor” is commonly a friend or family member of the tenant and has agreed to vouch for the tenant and accept the liabilities on behalf of the tenant. Essentially, in the event of a tenant being unable to meet their obligations under the tenancy agreement, whether it is for overdue rent, damage to the property or whatever, the Guarantor is legally bound to accept the liabilities on behalf of the tenant. There’s tonnes more information in the Tenant Guarantor Form page.

I regularly receive an annoying amount of emails from teary-eyed mascara-dripping Guarantors asking two of the following questions:

• How can I stop being a Guarantor for a tenant?
• My friend has fallen into arrears, and I’m his/her Guarantor, how do I get out of being liable for the debt?

Let me show you a prime example of what I’m talking about. I received this ridiculous piece of shit email last week:

I’m a guarantor for someone for a rented property. I have just recently found out the reason they needed a guarantor was cause the landlord thought she wasn’t working. She is now in arrears, is there anyway I can get out of being liable for her debt? Please help, I am at my wits end.

I’m sure the lady that sent me the email is a terribly nice person, so I take no joy in calling her a tediously underdeveloped monkey, but unfortunately that’s exactly what she is. The million dollar question is, what the hell did she think she was signing up for when she agreed to be a Tenant Guarantor, and why is she at her wits’ end? It hurts me to assume the following because my faith in humanity is already limited, and the thought of someone being so dim is painful, but I think she’s got her nuts in a twist because she’s expected to take responsibility for what she agreed to take responsibility for. Heaven forbid, right? What a douche-bag.

There’s nothing wrong with being a Tenant Guarantor

Don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a Guarantor for someone. By all means, be a Guarantor for someone you love and/or trust, just don’t shrivel into a wheezing blubbering mess if you’re actually required to take on the responsibility of being a Guarantor when that’s exactly what you agreed to do. Please, let me know if i’m starting to confuse you with common sense, because I’ll happily hunt you down like a diseased dog and shoot you in between the eyes, and pat myself on the back for eliminating a cockroach. Only joking, that would be harsh. Kinda.

What you should consider before being a Tenant Guarantor

With the objective of preventing this kind of stupidity from spreading much further, I’m going to jot down a list of points for prospective Guarantors to consider before agreeing to anything. If you’re in that position, you should carefully understand what you’re being asked to do, and then consider whether you actually want to do it.

Do you understand what you’re being asked to do?

I swear to God, 90% of the people that are a Guarantor don’t even have a clue what they’re liable for, they’re just happy their helping someone out. Very cute, but dangerously stupid.

To reiterate, a “Guarantor” has agreed to vouch for the tenant and accept the liabilities on behalf of the tenant. Essentially, in the event of a tenant being unable to meet their obligations under the Tenancy Agreement, whether it is for overdue rent, damage to the property or whatever, the Guarantor is legally bound to accept the liabilities on behalf of the tenant.

Fully understand what responsibility you’re taking on.

Can you REALLY afford to pay someone else’s debt (not just hypothetically, but in reality)?

I think the main reason so many people agree to being Guarantors is because they believe they’ll NEVER be put into the situation of actually having to pay the debt of those they trust. They basically think it’s a hypothetical scenario because they’ll never be let down by those they trust. “It will NEVER happen to me”, says the idiot while being struck by lightening.

Unfortunately, the only certainties in this life are taxes and death. A friend and/or family member never falling into arrears is a far cry away from being a certainty.

Consider the implications on your own personal finances if the tenant you’re vouching for DOES fall into hardship. Can you REALLY afford to pay the debt, and more importantly, would you feel comfortable doing so?

In situations like this, it’s always worth considering the worst possible outcome.

To what level do you trust the person you’re being a Guarantor for?

Trust comes in many, many, many layers, and you need to calculate to what level you trust the tenant.

For example, I would trust my work colleague to pick up my Hugo Boss suit from the dry cleaners, but I wouldn’t trust him with in a 10 mile radius of my girlfriend after he’s intoxicated his liver with a bottle of Vodka. Common sense.

Calculate which level of trust you have with the tenant, and if you’re left with concern, maybe that’s your gut instinct telling you to back-the-fuck-off from the situation.

Are you being pressured into being a Guarantor?

From my experience, most Guarantors are either family members or extremely close friends of the tenant. So there’s usually a feeling of emotional obligation pushing us into the direction of being a Guarantor, even if it’s subconscious.

If you feel remotely pressured into being a Guarantor (even if it’s your own moral obligation pushing you, and not necessarily the tenant’s) or there’s a feeling of unease, even if it’s ever so slightly, I would think twice.

Emotional guilt tends to push us into a lot of situations we don’t really want to be in. Yes, we love our friends and family, and we want to do everything humanly possible to help them, but this is one of those situations where rationality is king.

There is zero reward for being a Guarantor

Understand, there is ZERO reward for being a Guarantor. Well, besides from self-satisfaction of helping out someone you love. But who in their right mind is going to count that, right?

But seriously, there is no opportunity for financial gain, it doesn’t even help your credit rating, and it’s not even worth putting on your C.V, and we’ve all put bullshit on that before.

It seriously is one of those things you have to do purely out of love, without the expectations of any returns.

Will you panic/worry/stress if you have to pay the tenant’s debts?

So, assuming your nearest and dearest does rack up a debt that falls onto your lap, how would you feel about it? Like I previously said, it’s always best to approach this situation with the worst possible outcome in mind. If you think it’s going to cause you stress, then don’t do it.

There’s no point in both of you (you and the tenant) being stressed over the same situation. So if taking on the debt of the tenant is going to inflict additional burden on yourself, forget about it.

How strong is your relationship?

I’ve seen best friends of 20 years become enemies over money. It happens all the time. Hell, just watch Judge Judy, most of the cases on that programme involve family members and best friends having a cat fight over money. Great entertainment, but ultimately it’s embarrassing.

Every relationship has their breaking point, and it usually involves a member of the opposite sex and/or money. That’s the kind of world we live in.

If the tenant (your close friend/relation) left you responsible for a pile of debt, would you carry any resentment towards them? If so, don’t put yourself into the situation where your friendship/relationship is on the line. It’s probably not worth it.

Guarantor nightmares

Anyone got any Guarantor nightmares to share?

Related posts:

Tenant Guarantor Form
HELP, I Can’t Get A Guarantor
Risks involved with Mortgages

My ex-tenants got me good this time. Real good. Fair play to them. Hope they get reincarnated as a carnivore’s toilet-brush.

To cut a long and shitty story short, I had a family vacate a property after living there for 2 years. On their final day, I inspected the property, focusing on the usual areas; carpets, plumbing, condition of walls, windows, doors etc. Everything seemed hunkydory (do people still say that?).

A few days after they had vacated, I started painting a few of the rooms to give the house a lift. Having endured the intense first day of labouring (someone as delicate and precious as me is not used to hard graft), I rinsed the paintbrushes and trays in the kitchen sink. While the water was running for several minutes, I could hear the drain outside the kitchen window overflowing (the kitchen is placed at the back of the house). I popped my head out of the back door to see the tainted water overspilling onto the patio floor. The paint I was rinsing off was white, so it looked like an overspill of copious amounts of semen. It probably would have been amusing if it wasn’t my property and I was still 16. No such luck.

My hope was that it was just a light blockage, which required the aid of an industrial solvent. I purchased a ghastly cocktail for £10 that my plumber had recommended. Ironically, the solution resembled diarrhea in every possible way. I poured the entire contents down the drain while pinching my nostrils. It did NOT smell good. The instructions advised it could take up to 12 hours to take affect.

I returned the next day to see if the problem had been resolved. The water level had reduced, and there was no visible blockage. “I swear to God i’ll be good for the rest of the week if this works” You know, Karma and all that crap.

I ran the water again for several minutes only to be reunited with the same overflowing semen. At this point I was stomping my feet like a petulant child as I knew I required the assistance of professionals. Great.

I quickly contacted Dyno Rod, drainage specialists (notorious for being ridiculously expensive). They came over like the Ghostbusters with various poles and water jets. After 30mins of prodding and blasting, they eventually diagnosed and resolved the problem. Apparently, 15 meters into the drain pipes, there was an unhealthy and dangerous build-up of rice and deposits of congealed fat.

My previous tenants basically poured rice and fat down the sink during their 2 year tenancy, and this was the result. They’re a Ghanaian family, and their diet largely consisted of traditional Ghanaian cuisine, such as rice and highfat supplement dishes.

There was actually nothing I could do to recoup the money because I had given them the all-clear after the inspection. I had to take the £150 Dyno Rod fee on the chin. But I didn’t take it like a man, because evidently I’m having a mental masturbation about it on here.

Bloody idiots. What kind of people pour rice and fat down the sink? Idiots, that’s what kind.

Annoyingly, my tenants MUST have known about the problem. No doubt the blockage surfaced every time they ran the tap for several minutes, specifically when washing the dishes. Conveniently, they failed to mention the problem to me. Perhaps they forgot. Like I said, I hope they get reincarnated as tools which exist for the sole purpose of scrubbing excrement off surfaces.

The thing is, how many landlords actually run the water for several minutes during an inspection? I’m not sure many do. Moreover, for those with managed properties, do lettings agents do that during a final inspection? I usually just run the taps to check the water-flow consistency and pressure levels.

Was it the perfect crime, or negligence from the landlord? You could probably argue either.

Shit cleared, lesson learned.

Related posts:

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I’ve been a satisfied Halifax Landlord Insurance policy holder for years up until now. Today it went wrong. They let me down with their sanctimonious bullshit.

I received a letter this morning from Halifax, stating the following:

I am writing to advise you that your Landlord Insurance policy has been cancelled with effect from 10/07/2011. If you have any queries regarding your cancellation or would like a new quote based on less or more cover to suit your current circumstances, please call the above number.

Oddly, I only renewed the policy in July 2011, and I had received a confirmation policy pack in August, dated 18th August 2011. So the obvious question, why the FFFF was my policy cancelled with effect from 10th July 2011? More importantly, have I not been insured during the majority of July and the entirety of August? What if my tenant went medieval and torched the place, would I have been able to make a claim?

As soon I read the letter, I buried my head into my filing cabinet to pull out my insurance policy documents, and then started dialing the home insurance enquiry line on the old dog and bone.

After being on hold for 5mins (credit where due. Not bad Halifax, good job), I was put through to an advisor. I explained my situation and her response was,

I’m sorry, but for some reason your direct debit payments were cancelled, that’s why we cancelled your policy. Your last payment was in June. It was a mistake on our end.

I was surprised because, as I explained, I hadn’t changed or cancelled anything. Can payments really just stop as randomly as that? Surely that’s a massive security issue, right?

I then proceeded to explain why the situation was even stranger that the policy was cancelled. I renewed 2 Landlord Insurance polices for 2 different properties in July, on the same day, during the same phoencall. Both polices were almost identical- they started and end on the same dates, and payments were even scheduled to leave my account on the same date/time. However, only one of them got caught up in this failure.

We were both perplexed by the situation. She didn’t have a clue why it happened, nor did I. But surely she should know what happened, or at least try to investigate the issue. It goes without saying, there was no sign of this lady wanting to investigate the root cause, she just wanted to rectify the problem and move onto the next call. The problem is, I have this personal demon inside of me that lives for explanations. For example, if I make a girl orgasm before I do, the demon wants to know why. Was I too good? Did I make love too beautifully, too quickly? I want to know the answer, so I can learn and be in-sync next time.

Anyhow, she said I could reinstate the policy from June, all I need to do is play catchup and pay for the two months I missed. My response…

Wait, what, hangon?!? You cancelled my policy in June, and I never made a claim since then, but you still want me to pay for July and August? That doesn’t make sense, surely? Let me ask you this, if my policy got cancelled in June, and I made a claim in July, would I still have been covered?

Yes. The error was on our end, so you would have still been able to make a claim.

I’m sorry, but for some reason I don’t believe that.

She was NOT pleased with my response. But I didn’t care. Halifax may have honoured my claim, but I wasn’t convinced and I couldn’t be sure because it was all hypothetical. I know how insurance companies try and do everything with in their powers to refuse a claim. They’ll try every trick in the book, and if that fails, they’ll write a new book with more tricks.

I thought it was pretty ridiculous that they wanted me to pay those 2 months that they wrongly excluded me from, in which I didn’t even make a claim. The only other solution, according to the advisor, was to start a new policy from today. That seemed more reasonable because at least I wouldn’t be paying for 2 months which I didn’t make a claim for.

This is when it started getting even moreso tedious. As I was going through the process of starting a new policy, I was informed that if I go ahead with a new policy, it would mean I wasn’t insured for the months of July and August, so I was uninsured for 2 months. Guess what? According to their policy, if a property is uninsured for over 1 month, then it loses it’s no-claims bonus.

Are you kidding me? They had me over a barrel.

So basically, I ended up paying for July and August just to keep my no-claims; in-turn they reinstated my old policy, so “on-paper” I was insured seamlessly from when my policy needed renewing. They were the one’s that wrongly cancelled my policy, and they were the ones that took TWO months to inform me. Talk about poor service.

I thought that was pretty shitty of them to handle the situation like that. I don’t go out of my way to get a free meal in life, far from it. But they got this all very wrong. It wasn’t about the money, because I only had to pay £30 for the 2 months I missed in order to keep my no-claims bonus. That’s nothing. However, it’s about principle and being accountable for your own mistakes. You’d think they would have let me off for July and August and reinstated my policy from June because it was their bloody mistake!

Right, anyways, rantover.

I can’t imagine I’ll be irritated by this for much longer, because after one look at Howard’s sweet and innocent face, how can I possibly continue with any rage?

Anyone else have any moans about landlord insurance companies?

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On a sidenote. I only recently discovered that Upad are the market leaders (I had no idea) for providing a online tenant-find service for Landlords. I’m not sure how true that is, but someone mentioned it the other day. I’ve used Upad’s service in the past, and I was thoroughly impressed. I can’t comment on their new system as I’ve never used it, but their old system was brilliant. They clearly invested a lot of time and money into developing a great system for landlords. If they’ve improved on it, that can only be a good thing. Either way, they must be doing something right if they’re able to revamp their entire website and push their prices up and became one of the most expensive online “Tenant find services” that advertise on websites like Rightmove, that I’m aware of. A few weeks ago they pushed their price tag up from £69 + VAT to £99 + VAT with no added features. OUCH.

Ballsy move, especially since their rivals average around £50-60. But if they can get away with it, fair play to them. Here’s a full list of Websites that allow Landlords to advertise rentals on Rightmove.

Anyways, back to the point. A few days ago Upad launched their shiny new site. Was I impressed? I was more surprised than anything else.

Firstly, my main contact/lover at Upad (Sue, the Marketing Manager- she’s wonderful) was meant to give me a trial run/preview before launch! That never happened, so we’re currently going through a rough patch. However, they clearly could have done with my input, so it’s their loss, and I’ll be getting the last laugh.

Onto my second point. Their website was clearly built by sloppy web-developers. I’m probably going to be in the doghouse with Sue for this blog post, and I’ll probably need to order £1000 worth of gifts from Anne Summers to get our relationship back on track, but my comment can be justified.

Before launching ANY new website, one of the immediate check-points should be to check the website across all major web browsers (Internet Explorer, Firefox, Mozilla, Chrome) and different monitor resolution settings. That’s standard practise which even the most premature web-developers adhere to. Upad’s team of monkeys clearly forget the basics.

Now, back to one of my initial points as a reminder- Upad are apparently the market leader’s, they shouldn’t be making schoolboy errors like that.

The website looks OK in Internet Explorer and Firefox, but in Google Chrome (one of the fastest growing web browsers), it’s barely readable. Jesus Christ. If you open the website up in Google Chrome you’ll know what I mean. Here’s a screenshot anyways, this is what I see…

(click to enlarge)

Fuck me sideways, am I drunk/high? The text is all blurry, on every damn page. The most severely affected sections are the areas where there is purple font on a grey background. It literally feels like I’m long-sighted when I look into those areas. I can’t believe a web-designer came up with that colour combination. Oh, the horror. Is it also blurry and/or difficult to read for you? Please confirm!!

Do any of you remember those “Magic Eye” posters from the 90′s? They’re blurry at an initial glance, but when you focus your eyes, a silhouette of an object appears. It reminded me of those posters, only Upad’s website never returns a magical silhouette, everything remains a blur no matter how hard you focus. The only places where words are readable is where they’re actually an image.

The website is more readable in Internet Explorer, but I still think it’s a bit too blurry. They definitely screwed up the fonts here. This may not sound like a big deal, but a website that isn’t readable may as well be rendered useless.

Why does it look like shit? They didn’t use something which is known as “web-safe” fonts. It’s not a difficult fix, but it is a stupid/amateur mistake, like putting your left shoe on your right foot. Albeit, a mistake like that should never have gone unnoticed and unleashed into the public domain. I did make Upad aware of the problem via Twitter a few days ago, and other Tweeters agreed with my analysis, but Upad have yet to resolve the issue. I personally would have fixed the issue immediately as it’s probably causing a lot of their users problems, especially the elder generation. I wonder what the hold up is.

Besides from that, the new site looks decent, nothing revolutionary though. Minus the font issue (which I hope they fix soon), I’m sure their service remains fab. What do you folks think about the new website?

What can Upad take away from all this? Next time give me a preview, fools! I was willing to go through the website with a fine comb for free. £150 fee now! :)

For everyone else in the tenant-finding space, you may as well capitalise while Upad have crazy high prices and a website that currently looks like steamed shit! POW!

Related posts:

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An EPC is primarily meant to benefit tenants. But if tenants are 1) unaware they exist 2) uninterested when they’re made aware they exist 3) confused by the technicoloured document when they’re looking at it – then the question has to be asked, who’s actually benefiting here? Someone’s Louis Vutton pockets, that’s whose.

So far I’ve been looked at gormlously by tenants each time I’ve handed over an EPC during a viewing. I almost feel embarrassed doing it because I can always anticipate the tenant’s response (it’s the same one I’m always given):

Before you hippies and eco-warriors start restocking on ganja, filling up your flasks with herbal tea and pitch camp outside my garden for a full on protest, let me clarify something. I like the idea of an EPC. Sure, if PROPERTY A will cost X amount more to keep warm than PROPERTY B because it’s less energy efficient, i’d like to know. I’m all for energy efficiency and reducing costs. Bring it on!

However, when you’re employing someone to measure the energy efficieny of a property and documenting the results using multi-coloured graphs on high quality printing paper for an audience that doesn’t have a bloody clue, you need to ask yourself, who’s really raping mother-nature here?

My problem is that the Government introduced a law which the main beneficiaries are, in general, completely oblivious to. What’s the bloody point? Riddle me that, Batman.

The way I see it is, EPCs are a good idea in principle, but a good idea without understanding or acknowledgement is a terrible idea.

What’s the solution? No idea, because I don’t know what the actual problem is. I’m not sure if tenants are generally unaware of the programme and consequently require educating, or whether tenants generally don’t give a shit about the energy efficiency of a property they’re temporarily renting. Either way, tenants don’t seem to be paying much attention, yet we’re still paying for the bloody things. Granted, EPC’s cost about £55 and they last for 10 years, but it’s the principle, innit.

Just to reiterate, landlords are required to have an Energy Performance Certificate (EPC) per property. Follow the link for more details on when, why, how and where you can purchase them from.

Your thoughts…

I’m curious to know, as a landlord, do you even bother showing the EPC? How do tenants react to them- are they even familiar with them? Have you ever had a tenant request to see one?

I’m also curious about this situation from the tenants perspective. Do you ask to see them? Have landlords/agents shown you them in the past? Do you even care about them?

Grab the mic and say your piece below. Peace! x

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I ALWAYS tell my tenants NOT to drill holes in the walls because their both expensive and difficult to repair (if you want to do it properly). There’s even a clause in my Tenancy Agreements that specifically mentions the ungodly act. Basically, DON’T DO IT. But do they ever listen? Apparently not.

The cheapest and therefore the preferred way of resolving the issue is by stuffing the ghastly holes with polyfiler, and then applying a lick of paint. However, the end result is usually tragic. You’re never left with the smooth finish which was once-upon-a-time. The best option is to get a professional plasterer in, but that never happens because it is the expensive option. What usually happens is that a few days before the tenant is due to vacate, they pop out to Homebase to buy a cheap tub of Polyfiler and apply their D.I.Y magic. As said, the result is typically tragic and leaves me in tears, along with the will to kill.

One of my tenants is due to move out in two weeks time, so I’ve already been lining up viewings to ensure minimal unoccupancy. Without the presence, but with the permission of my tenant, I went to the property earlier today to scope out the condition. The tenant is in the transition of moving out, so most of his belongings are boxed. The property isn’t actually in too bad shape, but I noticed multiple holes scattered around various walls in the property, which initially triggered a manageable flow of anger. However, the closer I inspected, the less manageable my anger became. Like they say, if you go looking for trouble, trouble will find you. Well, I went looking, and a shitload of trouble came at me like a runaway steam train. I started to slowly detect gaping hole after gaping hole, and I’m pretty sure I’m short-sighted, so Lord only knows what I would have seen if I had 20/20 vision.

In the midst of my heart-attack, I frantically started texting my tenant:

Hi mate. House is in OK condition, but there are quite a few big holes in the walls that need to be fixed. Cheers

Hi buddy. The holes will be sorted before I move out

Right, so now I have to sit around and wait to see what kind of dodgy D.I.Y he manages to pull out of his rectum. I’m scared.

For your own amusement, here are a few snaps of some of the holes. Please bear with me if I break down in tears as I post these…

I understand that putting up curtain railings will require drilling holes. But if you’re going to do that, at least do it elegantly, and not like you’ve unnecessarily tried to resolve the problem with a sledgehammer. Clearly a method my tenant endorses.

(UPDATE: Just to clear up some confusion, and reduce some anger levels for certain people. As I said in the comments sections, curtain rails were originally fitted with the property, but the tenant said their “expensive” curtains required custom railings, so they replaced the original ones with their own. It’s not a HUGE deal because I know those holes won’t be visible when a new railing goes back up. However, it’s still annoying knowing that they ripped the plasterboard in the process of removing their rails!)

The strange thing was that I saw holes in places that I couldn’t fathom. I couldn’t understand why the hell anyone would need holes in those locations. It was just weird.

I also noticed there were more than your average amount of photo frames hung up on the wall, so I’m anticipating greater levels of damage. I dared not look under the frames to see how they were hung up- I was already depressed/scared enough. I’m hoping my tenant used proper photo frame nails, which is fine with me. I just don’t want to see thick screws hammered through.

There are so many alternative and friendly solutions to hanging up inanimate objects that don’t require drilling holes in walls these days. Why not try them, aye?

I know you are all eagerly waiting at the edge of your seats to know the outcome of this situation (why wouldn’t you be?), so I’ll try to keep you all updated. As said, judgement day isn’t for another few weeks. I can’t wait. No, really.

Holes in the walls are NOT “wear and tear”

I’d just like to make it clear (in case anyone is reading this for informational purposes), putting holes in walls is NOT classed as “wear and tear” – there is nothing natural about forcing a drill through plaster. The tenant is responsible for repairing any holes he or she has made, even if that means using the security deposit to do so.

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A few days ago I received a text from my tenant, informing me that the washing machine was on its last legs. It kept leaking and/or tripping the mains electricity every time it was switched on. He wanted me to collect the machine and dispose of it, which was cool with me. We had scheduled for me to pick up the machine yesterday evening, on Tuesday, 18th May 2011.

I had already arranged to chill with a friend of mine for that evening, but it wasn’t a big deal, because the process of putting the machine into my van shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes, so I planned for her to come with. Besides, the extra pair of hands would have been useful, even if they are attached to a woman :)

I didn’t anticipate a washing machine to be particularly heavy or awkward to carry, so I assumed even a futile female could provide enough horsepower to help transfer the appliance into my van. At this point, I had never actually carried a washing machine before, so I was just, ya’ know, bullshitting with assumption.

So, yesterday evening, around 6′ish, me and my friend popped round my tenant’s house. My tenant greeted us, and then proceeded to lead us through the house, into the back garden, where he had left the washing machine.

I looked at my tenant and said, “Is this heavy?”, he responded, “Yeah, it’s pretty damn heavy. You may struggle”

I just assumed the guy was half the man I am, consequently I wasn’t really expecting to challenge my power-lifting ability. Me and my friend both hunched over, leaning towards the appliance, each grabbing one end of the washing machine. As we lifted the appliance, we looked at one another with the, “fuck me, this is actually heavy” look on our faces. You know when you expect something to be a lot lighter than it is, and then you’re caught in a moment of shock when you realise it’s a lot heavier than anticipated? That’s what happened.

We could both lift and move the washing machine, but it was an obvious struggle as we were both gritting our teeth and looking severely constipated. We were clearly going to have to carry the machine in stages, with multiple resting points. It wasn’t just the weight which was causing a problem, it was the pure awkwardness, something I didn’t expect from a rectangular object. The problem was there wasn’t anything to grip onto, so it kept slipping through our hands like a wet dildo. Also, the pipes kept dragging along the floor, and leaking fluids (I assume it was rain water) onto our clothes, making the process more difficult than it already was. Now our attention was split between trying to carry the heavy appliance without harshly dropping it, and avoiding/dodging any spillage from the dragging penises. What also made the task tricky was the fact we had to, at points, lift the machine quite high, to get it past furniture!

At this point, my tenant was just standing on the side, watching us struggle like beetles on their backs. Me and my friend were both waiting for him to jump in and help any time now, even if only to pick up the pipes and spare us from getting wet. But for some reason that never happened. It was bizarre to say the least.

The struggle between Man and Machine would have been one-sided if we had another man involved to help. However, instead of helping, my tenant opted to stand 2 metres afar and watch, not even with amusement, so I didn’t really get it. He was watching gormlessly, with a, “hmm this is interesting” look on his mug (which I wanted to slap off).

This is genuinely what we looked like…

While most of my senses were quickly deteriorating as I was becoming weaker, I remember him muttering (in a serious/genuine tone), “I am impressed that you two managed to lift it”

Right, ok. Cock.

It eventually took about 15-20 minutes for us to transfer the washing machine from the back of the house to the front, and into the van. The entire process was a total struggle, and I felt like we had been through a workout. We were hunched over the entire time, trying to laugh as much as possible, because otherwise we probably would have cried. By the end of it, we were were left red-faced and perspirated with dirty and wet clothing, not to mention sore hands. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

Both me and my friend seriously couldn’t calculate why the fuck my tenant didn’t help us. Like I said, it was really bizzare, and it left us perplexed. We were genuinely struggling for 15 minutes trying to carry the darn thing, and my tenant could clearly see that. Yet nothing in my tenant’s head triggered, signalling him to help. His lack of compassion came across as really rude and bloody irritating, but mainly just odd. I mean, when tenants fall into arrears, I GET IT. It’s f’ing irritating and rude, but it’s not odd. What happened here was just plain odd. It actually showed me what kind of person my tenant is. Soulless.

My only conclusion is that he had it fixated in his head that I’m the landlord, and he’s the tenant, and we should stick to those roles. It’s the landlords responsibility/job to dispose of the machine washing, and he didn’t want to interfere with the preassigned duties. Kind of like a guy who refuses to cook or clean because he thinks it’s the woman’s role. Thing is, if the roles were reversed, I would have naturally helped my landlord (even if he wasn’t struggling).

Either way, the event made a more enjoyable journey home, as we spent the time thinking of amusing new nicknames for my tenant. Unfortunately, none of which are for the faint hearted. I think the mildest and least original nickname we thought of was, “washing machine cu*t”

Anyways, this blog post really has nothing to do with anything, and it really wasn’t a big deal. I just thought it was extremely strange behavior, and left me questioning mankind…yet again.

I don’t suppose any of your tenants has done something that’s made you think, “oh, well that’s strange”?

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Ordinarily, I would be fine with instalments. But the way my tenant went about it has got my soiled knickers in a twist. He didn’t ask me to pay in instalments, he’s kind of just made up a pile of excuses to why rent hasn’t been paid in its entirety, and by circumstance I’ve had to settle for instalments as opposed to agreeing with it.

He usually posts £600 in cash through my letterbox every month. But last month he posted £500. After realising the £100 shortfall, I text him immediately, and his excuse was that he “accidently” underpaid. Blatant bullshit (unless he’s an absolute tool). But that’s cool.

I asked him when he could deliver the remaining balance. He said he could do it in a few days time as he was “out of town” Again, most likely bullshit, but I played along and said that’s fine.

A few days passed and I had received £50 through my letterbox; £50 short of what was owed. So once again, I had to immediately contact him enquiring where the remaining balance was. He said he was sorry, didn’t provide an excuse, and said he would pay the remaining £50 the following day.

The following day had come and gone, and there was no sign of any cash posted through my letterbox. Once again, I text him, asking him why the money hadn’t been posted. As expected, he was extremely apologetic, acting like he was the blue eyed boy, and said he was busy with work and would pay in the next few days. So that’s the stage i’m at now. I’m waiting…i’m chasing, and I’m waiting some more…

My tenant knew he was going to underpay me and he also knew he failed to pay the balance when he said he would, so why didn’t he contact me BEFORE those events occurred, instead of making me find out for myself and then making me chase him like a mug? It’s ridiculous.

I’ve already shit my pants and regurgitated rants about this issue a hundred times in previous blog posts. For that reason, I wasn’t going to bother writing this blog post. However, I came across an amusing YouTube clip of a landlord going through a similar situation. She’s receiving rent in dribs and drabs, and she’s definitely not pleased. However, she’s going for the more direct approach…

She’s crossed over to the dark side and going medieval on her dumb-arse tenant. If this shit was legal, I’d do this every time a tenant of mine failed to pay rent on time. Only i’d go over with blood stains on my face/clothes and a chainsaw hanging off my back, to show the prick I ain’t messing around.

Anyways, this landlord wants her fucking rent. She’s probably over reactiving, but I can see her point- she needs the rent so she can buy her grand children presents!!

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