Besides from swimming in pools of money and knocking-back shots of Hennessy out of strippers navels, there are a few other key tasks every landlord should be doing on a regular basis, which includes:
- Making routine Landlord inspections to ensure the tenants aren’t filthy bastards, and are able to refrain from exploding their arses all over the walls and carpets.
- Ensuring all landlord legal obligations are met and maintained, most notably the gas safe certificate, as it’s required to be renewed annually and it can save lives.
- Begrudgingly, declaring and paying the tax man.
- Visiting my blog. Not so much for the useful advice, but just as a reminder that you’re not alone, and my life is equally as bullshit as yours.
- Keeping track of rental prices, specifically similar properties to your own in the same area- allowing your wetdream of serving a rent increase notice to become a prospective reality if prices have rocketed.
Due to the fact that my brain was hanging out of my arsehole on Sunday after a heavy Saturday night, I was practically immbolised for the entire day. I had to make do with limited muscular movement, which meant I was largely reliant on my eyeballs and fingers to take control of my fate, or at least my Sunday. For most of you, the natural step would have been porn, but after my obscene Saturday night, I was too scared to look “down there”, let alone touch it. As a last resort, I decided to scour Rightmove to update my knowledge on current rental prices, allowing me to analyse what every other greasy little landlord/agent had the audacity to demand. That’s always a fun game, “How much of an arsehole is that landlord/agent?” Granted, not quite as satisfying as jacking off to obscure, fetish-based porn, but a very close and honorable second place.
I’m not proud to admit it, but if you strip away my youthful good looks and boyish charm, I’m whittled down to an average, run-of-the-mill landlord. My objective is to squeeze every last penny out of my investment so I can get that extra lap dance at the end of the night, while my friends hopelessly look into their empty velcro wallets, and then appear over at me in envy, while I’m drowning in a pair of gigantic silicone filled tits. So after number crunching the stats on Rightmove, you can only imagine how quickly the natural smirk on my face transformed into a terrified lump of anal-discharge when I discovered I was undercharging one of my tenant’s by 20% compared to the going market rate. But who cares about percentages, right? Percentages don’t mean anything, you want real figures your scientific mind can have a mental-masturbation over.
I’m charging my tenant £775pcm while identical properties are currently demanding and achieving in excess of £950pcm. The tenant has been in the property for 3 years and at the time the going rate was £775. That equates to an annual increase of an eye-watering 6%, which is way above the current rate of inflation. Jesus, landlords/agents are bastards, aren’t they? No wonder you assholes are frequently associated with camel turd and Satan.
Despite the considerable difference between what I’m charging and the current rates, I actually have no intentions of increasing the rent. Why? Because I’m getting that extra value from my tenant in other platonic ways. He’s paid rent on time for 3 years, he treats the property like a home, and he’s always accommodating with his schedule when it comes to repairs and maintenance. How much is that worth to you?
Those of you whom have been unfortunate enough to deal with a decaying turd in the form of a tenant, whether they fell into arrears and/or treated your property like a back alley in the slums of Calcutta, will appreciate that it’s not just the stress of the financial loss that made you want to blow your brains out, but also the disbelief of having to deal with the mindset of a steaming pile of shit that thinks it’s OK to breach the terms of the tenancy and cause misery upon someone that stuck to the deal that was agreed on. I’ve been down that path on a few occasions, and the growing frustration is unbearable. It rapidly stops becoming about the money, but more so about a fantasy involving the tenant’s corpse laying lifelessly under my feet.
I highly value a tenant that won’t put me through that distress, and it essentially does have a monetary value if you consider how much money and time is saved if it’s avoided. For those blessed enough to have avoided such experiences, just take my word for it, it’s like being rapped by an African Giraffe (currently featuring in the top 10 list of animals with the biggest dicks in the Animal Kingdom).
When I was 16 I worked as a waiter in a highly-rated pretentious À la carte restaurant where the head-chef had all the classic stereotypes. Overweight, power-hungry, and an absolute dickhead. I remember there was this one occasion when I didn’t pick-up a plate from the hot-plate using a serving cloth, instead I went in with my raw hands, and smeared my grubby fingerprints onto the plate. I admit, I was at fault, but his reaction was ridiculous. I’ve yet to hear a man yell so loudly and turn red so quickly over something so meaningless; he acted like he had caught me pleasuring his wife with his favourite spatula. He must have broken some kind of arsehole-decibel record. I’ll always remember what he shouted, while waving around his shiny meat-cleaver (seriously!), “THE FOOD IS PRECIOUS CARGO TO THE CHEF. GET OUT OF MY FUCKING KITCHEN, AND DON’T FUCKING COME BACK” Speaking of the biggest dicks in the animal Kingdom. However, I understood his point, but more so these days. Good tenants are precious cargo to landlords.
Whilst the raging loonatic did impart some of his limited wisdom onto me, which I’m grateful for, I was still pleased to learn that a few years later he had opened his own restaurant, which got fined £20,000 for poor hygiene standards. What a dip-shit.
I’m not advising anyone to undercharge or to keep rates low if there’s have no reason to, because it may not make good business sense for everyone. But in my circumstance, where I have a good tenant, the rent covers the mortgage, and I don’t particular “need” that extra £175pcm, it doesn’t make sense for me to increase the rate. I don’t want to “rock the boat”, so to speak. I’ve been in this game long enough to have dealt with enough douchebags to know how difficult it is to find good tenants. But also, if you get a tenant that falls two months in arrears, that extra £175 per month is quickly diminished. It also must be noted, 6% year-on-year increase for rent is incredibly insane.
My underlying point is, it’s always important to assess the overall value a tenant is providing when considering increasing your tenant’s rent, and not just by the hard cash they’re putting into your pockets. But rest assured, as soon as my current tenant hands in his notice, I’ll be asking for £950pcm from the next punter. You better believe that shit. In the famous words of Young Jeezy (don’t ask), “My hustle is non-stop.”
Anyways, think about it, and share the post. If this doesn’t get 150 comments I’m going to get a nosebleed!