Another Day, Another Bullshit Call From An Estate Agent

Yesterday I received the most pathetic phone call from an estate agent EVER. I’ve had a few bogus calls from estate agents in my time, but this one was straight out of the, “Lines to use when you’re struggling to sell fuck all” guide. I was actually cringing during the conversation because it was THAT bad; I’m just glad it only lasted 30 seconds, any longer and I would have been forced to pierce my eardrum with a screwdriver. I felt sorry for the agent because he was either a) dumb as shit to think I was going to fall for it, or b) at the end of his tether and needed this sale to get some food on his IKEA table.

That’s when it occured to me that a property slowdown does have it perks; the best aspect being that we get to witness the pathetic attempts of estate agents trying to lure people into buying property.

This is what the conversation went like:

Hi, I’m calling from blahblah Estate Agents. In the past you’ve purchased a few properties from us, so we appreciate your loyalty. To show you our appreciation we’re giving you preferential priority over a property that is currently 30% under market value. It’s a great deal. It’s located in Blahblah. Are you interested?

No. I’m not interested in buying property in that particular area. Do you have anything in Church langley (a nicer part of town)?

errr….oh. No, unfortunately we don’t. But this other property is selling for a bargain price, so it might be in your best interest to get in there first.

Ok, thanks. Goodbye.

Trust me, it was a lot more cringe worthy than I made it sound. Even the tone of the agent was pathetic- he genuinely made it sound like he was doing me a huge favour.

There is no way in hell ANYONE gets preferential treatment from an agent, especially in the middle of an idle market. An estate agent just wants a sale, he/she doesn’t care where the fuck it comes from, consequently I wasn’t going to buy the preferential treatment bullshit. I should have told him to spare others from hearing that line, because if anything, it’s disgustingly repelling. No one with half a brain would fall for it or appreciate it.

Realistically, the agent has a longlist of landlords in their books; the data was probably gathered from past deals. The agent was simply grinding through the list. I was probably 1 out of 2000 landlords that was getting this socalled “preferential treatment”. I remember when a hooker once told me that she would give me the best performance of her life if I abused her filthy services. The agent reminded me of that hooker. What a pair of bitches, aye?

If you’re an agent and you’re going through a tough time, please don’t go down the dishonest, cheesy one-liner path because it won’t win you any sales. Honesty will always prevail; perhaps a tamed bit of cheek will also help, just to help add a little colour. Anyways, I would have preferred it if he just rang up and said:

Hi, I’m calling from blahblah Estate Agents. Look, your number has been in our books since you previously purchased a property through us; right now I really need your help. This idle market is really causing strain; I have kids to feed and bills to pay. But forget my kids, they can survive on dirt and rain water. I need food, and in order for that to happen, I need a sale. I have plenty of properties on the market, come down and take a look, perhaps you’ll like something…

Has anyone else been subjected to ridiculous tactics by agents in this idle property market?

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